say something | l.s.

- Chapter 35 -

Songs:

Lightweight by Demi Lovato

Kiss Me by The Fray

Flightless Bird American Mouth by Iron and Wine

Explosions by Ellie Gouldin

*

I tried my best to spend the day normally. It was fucking hard let me tell in the first place. Harry’s words and look were playing on my mind all day. After my confession, which took me a lot of effort and courage to, he just rejected me. Worst he hurt me in all ways possible, in ways I thought Harry would never reach, just by the way he looked at me and his choice of words. I know I deserved it but it doesn’t stop hurting though.

And a normal day would be spent with Harry in the dorm, eating lunch with my two best mates, listening to Niall’s loud laughs, with me actually paying attention to classes, with my way to the library with Harry to read, my long talks with Harry at the end of the day, cuddling with him… I didn’t have anything of that today and it didn’t make me feel any better, even with my own willingness to get better.

I don’t know if I feel worst now or before my talk with Harry. Both were awfully indescribable but this time I feel emptier as if I knew something that I had lost was impossible to recover. It really sucks to know that someone who always took care of you, someone who loved you, who you knew that were there for you, leaves and will never come back. You are always rewinding those good times you had with that person, your memories start to absorb you and you’re stuck living them instead of the present. By living I say depressing because I’m not alive and I know I’m a drama queen who always overreacts but when it touches this kind of subjects – involving people – I am very honest with my own feelings and always try not to make things worse because I know it’d be worst for me. So the fact that I am this upset with this Harry’s situation just proves that I love that guy more than I imagined.

It was your fault Louis live with it now! My subcontinent reminds me. He’s not my friend, not because he tells me these kind of things, things that I know myself and that even my own friends tell me. He’s not my friend because he literally tortures me and makes little problems into big ones, tells me how a piece of shit I am.

I am alone now. I don’t know for how long I will be, I know things will get better, even if it’s not the better I want, but I just don’t like the way I am feeling now, it’s not right, it kills me. I think I had my moments of happiness and now I have to feel this way because it was too much.

See this is my problem; I just spent fifteen minutes looking at this fucking tedious blank wall from this fucking quiet dorm instead of reading my book. However I’ve been in this page for half an hour so it doesn’t make any difference. Well it’s better like this; I don’t know why I am reading for the second time the fault in our stars. Maybe I want to slip some different tears, from a different reason or maybe it’s because it was Harry’s gift… I don’t know which one is more pathetic.

Maybe I should go to sleep. It’s only 8pm but my sleep is all switched so maybe I manage to close my eyes and actually feel comfortable if I wrap myself in some blankets. I’d probably die by how hot I’d feel so maybe I’m really going to do that. Jesus Louis!

Maybe I should go eat something instead since I’m a bit hungry. But that means I’ll have to leave the dorm and go alone to a restaurant. Or maybe I could go to the canteen… the food sucks but at least I’d eat something.

If Harry was here he wouldn’t allow me to do this, not eating and resting well. I miss the times when he’d go at the end of the street only to buy me McDonald’s because he knew I couldn’t manage to eat anything at lunch or even snack because I stayed studying. He was so kind and caring.