Then Came Blue_ girlxgirl.

Chapter 16

Its two weeks today, two weeks since I got dumped, two weeks of trying to be okay two weeks of trying to move on and two weeks that have been anything but easy. I cried myself to sleep everyday of the first week. I told Shae I was having nasty crumps. I don't know if she believed me but I don't care. I haven't cared about anything in a while. I might have slept a lot in the past weeks because when you're asleep then your not thinking about Blue, missing her, her laugh, her smile, her eyes, the way she finds any opportunity to touch you, the little random nibbles of affection and mostly when you're asleep you don't have to keep reminding yourself of how you messed up the best thing in your life.
This second week I decided I have mopped around enough, I mean, I can't lie about having crumps forever so I get up in the morning, slip on my 'I'm okay' mask and go to class when I have to, hang out with my friends, laugh where I'm supposed to, sympathize where they need me to, because they didn't know about Blue then and then dont need to know about her now. I'm trying to put my life back together, back to the way it was before Blue. So what if I'm listening to Little Mix's Secret Love Song way too much or silently crying myself to sleep every night? I'm doing the best I can.
"Hey Riley, can you push me to this poetry thing at 7?" Lou asks me on our way from class.
"Do I have to?"
"I'm so glad you never ask me to those things," Lynn says.
"Why don't you ever ask me? You always ask Riley" Shae complains.
"Because,I know you guys will all just say no."
"And I won't?" I ask
They all start laughing. "Of course you won't, you're such a good girl Riley," Shae says.
"More like a pushover," Lynn supplies. I want to glare at her but all the energy I have I'm putting in the effort to carry on this conversation. Everything needs too much effort these days.
"Riley, don't mind them. You'll come, right? Thanks, I owe you one." That's usually how it goes between Lou and I, I don't have to agree to anything. I think I agreed to everything the day we became friends and vise verser.
"Yes ma'am, I'll be there." Its not like I have anything better to do anyway except lie on my bed and hate my life.

At 6:30 I'm at Lou's because I don't like being late, its tardy but Lou is still in her sweatpants.
"Lou you can't be serious right now. Why aren't you dressed yet?"
She laughs with zero regard to my irritation. "I can be serious, and I am serious right now."
"What? You are not going in those are you?" I ask.
"No I'm not and neither are you going in that," she replies.
I look down at my jeans and t-shirt. "Why not?"
"Because none of us is going anywhere."
Now I'm confused. "What?" I plant my ass on the foot of her bed.
"Yeah, we aren't going anywhere, there's no poetry thing."
"What the fuck Lou? You had me walk all the way here for nothing!?"
"Not for nothing," she perches next to me looking unapologetic. "We need to talk," she finishes. We regard each other for about a second before we start laughing.
"That's the weirdest thing you've ever said to me. We need to talk? Are we dating or what?" I mock.
"Seriously Riley. You've been walking around like a zombie lately_"
"No I haven't," I interrupt defensively.
"Yes you have. I know you talk, you laugh, you hang with us and all but I know you Riley, its like you're not there."
"Pshh, what are you talking about right now." I try to dismiss her concern
"Like hell you don't. What's going on with you?" She insists.
"Lou I don't_"
"You don't have a problem? Bullshit! Even Shae noticed. She didn't buy your crumps excuse just so you know, but she said you wouldn't talk to her so we thought_"
"You thought you'd have more success?" I snap at her. Why are they going around talking about me behind my back?
"Well if you won't talk to her so we thought you might talk to someone else. No one likes to live with a zombie Riley."
"I'm not zombified," I grumble.
"Then what's wrong?"
I wish I could tell her. I really wish I had some to talk to about Blue but my friends don't know about me so there's no way I can tell them. I can only think of one person with whom I'd be okay talking about this and who I know would get me and that's Blue. But well...
"Is it about that girl?" Lou asks and I about swallow my heart.
"What!? What girl!??" I bet she can hear my heart beating out of my chest because I swear I can hear it reverberating in the room.
"That girl, the girl I found in your room_
"Whatt??? That old friend? No. Anyway, do you by any chance have JLS 101 notes I can borrow?" Probably not the subtlest change of subject but maybe it will work. I hope it works.
"Riley_" she starts again but I interrupt her.
"But you know what, maybe I'll just Google. I should probably go now," I say getting up and making for the exit. In a few minutes I'm going to regret how I handled this situation but right now all my instincts are telling me to flee.
I've just gotten to the door when Lou speaks up again,
"A few weeks ago you met someone whose name starts with a 'B', and you were the happiest I'd ever seen you. You started disappearing on weekends and during lunch hours, you had a permanent grin on your face for weeks and all this is around the same time I met your new "friend" called Blue_" she puts air quotes on the word friend, "and guessing from your reaction now, I think you something to say Riley, and you are going to say it today so bring your ass back here and talk to me."
I freeze at the door unable to move in any direction.
"Riley? You can come and talk about it now or you can run and I'll come find you and we can talk about it right there with Shae, your choice," she says. That threat sounds quite serious and much as I love and trust Shae, I don't think I can handle two of them at the same time. One friend at a time since it seems there's no getting out of it with Lou now. So I turn around and match back to my previously vacated perch on Lou's bed.
"So...?" She asks.
"So, I don't know what crazy stories you're building up in your_" I start but she stops me with a raised hand.
"Riley you know me, I'm not stupid and I can connect dots. Plus you know I don't judge so talk to me," she implores.
"Seriously Lou_" she knows, I know she knows, she knows I know she knows and you also know she knows but I'm so scared, so terrified of opening my mouth and let the words come out. I don't even know what to say, how to say it although I want to say it, at least to someone even just one person. But how?
"Riley?"
I really want to say something, I really do because like she said, Lou doesn't judge. She's that friend in the movie who's always cool and indifferent and listens without judgment except you can never truly know how people will take something. But from what she said I guess she's had a clue for sometime now, and she hasn't been mean to me at all and she hasn't changed at all in the way she acts around me or talks to me.
"Okay, I see you having a hard time over there,so let me ease you into it, okay?" She supplies helpfully. "I'll ask you questions and you answer, just nod your head yes or no."
"Okay."
"Fine. Are you in a lesbian relationship with that girl Blue?"
"Oh my God! That is not easing into it!! You said you'd ease me into it, there was nothing eased about that question!" My outraged reaction has her laughing.
"Wow girl, you don't know how nodding works," she says.
"And you don't know how easing works!"
She laughs again.
"Okay genius, how would you have eased into it?" She challenges.
"I don't know, something like, Blue is more than just a friend, isn't she?"
"Well forgive me for not having the handbook on how to ask a friend if she's in a relationship with a girl. And answer the question."
"Which one? Mine or yours? Because I'd rather answer mine." I say.
"Fine, answer whichever." So I nod my head. I nod my head and wait for the world to implode or maybe the ceiling to cave in or for the ground to fall from beneath my feet but nothing happens, nothing! I'm just seated in the same spot looking at Lou's stupid face except now her expression has gone from curious to smug. That and my erratically beating heart and sweaty palms is all that is happening right now on the day I came out to someone for the first time.
"I knew it!" she says excitedly. "You do realise whichever question you chose you still answered both questions?" Not "Oh my god, or what the fuck ,or why the hell,or ewww". Not anything I expected. The relief that pulses through me is palpable so I go with a nod again because I'm welling up with so much emotions and she rolls her eyes.
"So B is Blue?" She asks but she already knows the answer to that. I humor her and nod again.
"I knew it! I knew it!" You guys acted all shady when I walked in that morning. So you have a girlfriend?" she asks disbelief and awe in her voice. I nod again.
"Okay enough with the nodding!"
"What? You said all I had to do was nod or shake my head."
"Wow. I thought so, I mean I suspected this was happening but hearing it is kind of...I don't know, you really are seeing someone!"
Seeing some? I was seeing someone. "Well..." I begin letting the melancholy creep into my voice.
Lou's happy grin slips off. "This part I'm going to fill in on my own, you guys broke up didn't you?"
I nod.
"Is that why you've been mopping around for weeks?"
Another nod.
"Okay your going to have to stop with the nodding, makes you seem retarded," Lou says making me laugh.
"Yeah, we broke up like two weeks ago."
"Did she dump you or you her?" She asks and I look at her like I don't understand the question. Does it matter who dumped whom?
"What? It matters who dumped whom but fine. So tell me what happened? You were so happy."
So I tell Lou what happened, everything, from the beginning, the relationship, the happy times, then how it all went south. I tell her about Lynn and the party and by the time I'm done I want to cry but I don't, I won't.
"Wow!" She says. I feel good, I feel lighter somehow though my heart is still heavy with a the sadness.
"Wow!" She repeats.
"Okay you're going to have to come up with something more than that," I say.
"Give me a minute, this is my first lesbian relationship problem."
"Uh, aren't they all just relationship problems?"
"No. I don't think straight couples fight over being out." I guess they don't.
"Okay the way I see it, you two are both fools," comes Lou's piece of wisdom.
"Gee,thanks."
"No, listen. Clearly you both love each other but you are both selfish. Blue has had a long time to deal with this and come to terms with who she is, her family and friends all accept her butyou on the other hand has only had months to accept this side of you so she needed to have given you more time. Rome wasn't built in a day after all." Lou with all her clichés and all makes sense. I've been blaming myself alone for all this but Blue had a part to play in it too, she could have_
A smack on the back of my head snaps me out of my thoughts, "Hey! What was that for?" I rub the offended part as I glare at Louise.
"And you, what the fuck were you doing caring what Lynn thinks? Lynn is a bitch, she's always going to be a bitch whether you are straight or gay. What do you care what Lynn or other people think? What you need to worry about is what the people you care about think, plus you are girls, you can get away with a lot of things in the guise of friendship."
"I know all those things you've said but I dont know, I panicked," I explain.
"Well you're going to need to get your shit together and stop panicking. That girl makes you happy Riley and you shouldn't let fear take that away from you."
"Did you get that from a fortune cookie? But anyway, its too late now."
"Is it though? From what I heard she wants to be friends."
"But i don't want to_"
"Yes you do, you want to be her friend Riley."
"No, I don't. I don't want to be_" she doesn't let me finish again.
"Another Skylar watching her bring in another Riley, yeah you said that but you are going to make sure there's no other Riley."
"I don't think you know how break ups work. People move on to other people." Just the thought of it is enough to kill me but life happens.
"Riley, do you love this girl?"
"Well..." Its not easy for me to admit these things.
"Riley?"
"Yes, I do."
"Do you want her back? Because I do, so you can stop mopping all over the place."
"I wasn't mopping," I grumble under my breath. "But yeah."
"Then here's what you'll do, you'll go back to_"
"Oh no I will not!" She stops long enough to glare at me for interrupting.
"Like I was saying, you'll go back to her place and accept that friendship offer, little by little you'll warm your way into her heart again as you come out to the people that matter gradually, me being a start. Actually you already came out to me so that should earn you bonus points with her." Lou has gone into this scheming mode that only she can get into.
"Lou I don't think_"
"Yeah, that's exactly what you'll do. She chased you before but now you are going to show her how much she means to you and get her back. Let the other Riley's of this world go find their own Blues okay?" When I raise my eyebrow at her she says, "This Blue is for this Riley, don't let anyone else take her away from you."
"Wow, you really are into this aren't you?" I ask because this reaction is so far from what I expected.
"I'm into you being happy and me getting my none zombified friend back."
But then she's right, Blue getting someone else will kill me so I might as well stop being a coward and try to get her back. I came out to Lou and I'm still alive, still me and like she said, I can't let fear keep me from the best thing that has ever happened to me. She did all the chasing before, she did most of the caring, she showed me how much she wanted me and I guess its my turn to show her how much I want her, how much I need her. Its my time to do the chasing and if her knowing how much she means to me requires my coming out, then maybe I will just have to do that.
And I'm thinking a friend probably stands a better chance at getting her back than a stranger. Maybe this is exactly what Skylar thinks, what she has been going through, why she's still around.
Oh my God! I am going to be a Skylar! But if being a Skylar is what it takes, then I'll do it. Blue is my reason. By the time I leave Lou's place I have a plan and a new found energy I haven't had for quite a while now. I guess opening up wasn't such a bad thing after all.
I turn to Lou again and ask, just to be sure. "So you really don't care that I like girls?"
She tilts her head and raises a questioning eyebrow. "Riley, I don't care who gives it to you at the end of the day or who you_"
"Okay, okay, I get it," I interrupt her because I know Louise, that sentence will keep getting messier and dirtier if it goes on. "Thank you."
"I gotta ask though," she says, "who's the dude in this thing?"
"Uh, lesbian remember? You do know what that word means right?"
"I do but I don't know, during sex_"
"Oh no! No way! I'm not talking to you about my sex life," I'm quick to shut her down as I get up to leave.
"Riley, its just a ques_"
"Mh mh, I said no!" I continue out the door but I can still hear her shouting at me to come back and tell what she wants to know.
"You prude!" She shouts at me through the walls.
"Pervert!"
I can still hear her yelling even at the stairs and I find myself laughing at her absurdity, my first genuine laugh in weeks.
I feel so much lighter and better than I was before I came here.
I feel more hopeful.
I feel stronger.
I feel hopeful again..
I will get her back. I hope.