grey

sable

sable- color black, dark; somber

Ace's POV

***

I slam the door behind me, anger flowing through my veins. Fuck. She calls now? After everything? I slam my hands on the kitchen counter, trying to feel.

The door opens again; I know who walks in behind me.

"Hey man you okay?" Rafael ask putting his hand on my shoulder.

I grunt in response shaking off his hand. No, I'm not.

"I think that answer is self-explanatory Raf," DeShawn spits out throwing himself onto the couch turning the T.V. on, "Just take a cold shower."

I go to the refrigerator grabbing a beer and opening it. The loud pop sound gets DeShawn's attention, "Hey can you grab me one?" lifting his hand into the air.

I ignore him and make my way to the couch siting on the other side of DeShawn.

DeShawn didn't mind, he was used to it. My ever-changing mood. Rafael was used to it also; he just didn't like it. He grew up with a man who was like that, laughing with you one moment and throwing a beer bottle at your head the next. DeShawn grew up with a sister who cared about his ass, he also took care of her kids. Me, well I don't talk about it.

"Ace who was that on the phone?" Rafael asks grabbing a beer for both him and DeShawn, Rafael's eyes drilling into the side of my head.

"My mother." Was all I need to say for the subject to drop. I sigh deeply sitting back on to the couch trying to watch a rerun of Friends, slowly drinking my beer feeling the alcohol going into my system. Maybe this would help.

The silence is relaxing. Even though we don't talk I still feel them here. Its better than being alone. Alone with myself.

Rafael doesn't touch his beer after the first swing, I wonder why he got it. Self-control maybe?  Probably wanted to look normal. He didn't have to around us, knowing someone for fifteen years gives you the ability to be yourself. Yeah what about you? Shut up.

A couple beers (for DeShawn and me) and an episode of Friends later DeShawn's phone rings breaking the tension in the room. "Hey babe!" he walks out to the kitchen. Must be Shania.

"Hey Ace," Rafael says trying to get my attention. "I was wondering if you'll like to go back- "

"No." My stare didn't keep him off the topic.

"Ace man, come on the gym is the best place for you not that slimy- "

"I said no Raf." My eyes meet his, my eyes showing him my angry state, he backs off, he nods understanding, now isn't the time to talk about life decisions.

DeShawn comes back in stuffing his phone in his pocket, "That was Shania," Knew it, "Wants me to come down by her place told her I was- "

"You can go, don't stay on my account, Shawn." I sit up, elbows resting on my knees, staring into my hands like they'll give me the answer to life. Or how to feel again.

"Are you sure because I'm a little buzzed- " I shake my head.

"Raf can go with, he hasn't taken a sip of his beer yet." Rafael's face flushes and quickly goes up to rebut but I get to the punch line first, "I... I need some time alone." I make my way to the front door to let them out.

"You sure?" Rafael asks making me face him, his head towering over me.

"Yeah... I just got to be alone for a bit." I need to feel. I want to scream but I don't. Rafael nods and walks with DeShawn to the elevator, I wave and smile like everything will be okay. I shut the door. The eerie silence wasn't doing me any good, now I was alone.

Alone with my thoughts.

Maybe Rafael was right maybe I shouldn't be alone. I'll probably blow up, wreck the place, again. I need to do something, move. DeShawn would say I need a good lay, Rafael would say I needed some cardio at the gym and some pizza. I just needed to feel. To remember anything but-.

No. Stop it, Ace. What did that frozen princess say, 'conceal don't feel'? Yeah listen to that Disney princess. Don't feel that day. Feel right now, this moment.

I slowly pick up the empty beer bottles, only Rafael's wasn't empty, and throw them into the bin. Shutting off the T.V., I turn on the radio heavy metal blasting threw my speakers. Sound, maybe this would help. While the music played, I walked to my bedroom.

It was a plain bedroom, plain black walls, plain bed with white bed sheets, nothing on the walls, all there was a small little desk and a night stand. That was all I need. I already lost the one thing I need most. I fling myself on to the bed, grabbing a pillow and screaming into it tried to get out my feelings. My feelings other than guilt and sadness and anger. After I'm done screaming all I feel is numb.

Numbness.

I felt numbness before. A lot of times. Like when I lost her, the one person who I wanted to live for, one person I was supposed to protect. Like when I got pissed drunk afterwards, or when the guilt stared to eat me up, it was all I could feel. I suppress those thought and the real problem of my anger arisen. My mother. She was an okay mom, fed us, clothed us, stuff like that. My aunt was better at it though. But why would she call now? It's been months since I moved, eight to be exact.

Numbness again.

I never used to feel this way before? What happened? To me? To her?  Remember the Disney princess, Ace. I don't want to feel that day. The day my heart shattered, into a million tiny little pieces, they're still like that, broken, unrepairable. I know what I need? Some bruises and broke bones. No, remember what happened last time.

Fuck remembering. Feel now.

I get up and grab my gym bag, pulling over my shoulder. I quickly move out of my bedroom, grabbing my keys and locking the door.

I head to the only place where I can feel.