blue

IX

"I'm always anxious. Anxiety overwhelms me everyday because I constantly think I'm not living my life to the fullest. I always let others do the deciding for me. I just don't want any regrets, y'know?"

The boy and I had finally began talking. I was sharing all my insecurities with him; completely opening up. It felt so freeing, like I had lifted one thousand pounds off my tired shoulders. I never tell anyone how I feel. Not until now. But he's already began shaping me into this new person; a girl who sees colour, a girl who's not afraid to speak her mind, a girl who is finally finding herself.

We continued our conversation.

"I know what you mean, although I feel like we have opposite problems. I'm living in my own world. I'm the only one who makes my decisions."

"Don't you feel lonely living in your own little world?" I asked.

His eyes searched mine. He definitely needed a friend. I could be that friend. I could make him not so alone. I obviously didn't say this out loud, but I was definitely thinking it.

He whispered into my hair, which was wet from the drizzling rain,

"Don't you feel powerless living in other people's worlds?"

I looked him up and down as I thought about it. I did feel powerless. But the more and more I thought about it, the more I wanted to change it.

I nodded in response. "The scariest part is, I could change it right now if I wanted too. And let me tell you, I want to. When you carried me here, it was like I was a character in a movie. I felt so alive, like nothing was holding me down anymore. And I want to feel it again and again until I'm sick of it. I could literally change my entire life at any moment. I could stop talking to anyone who makes me unhappy. I could shave my head, or - or get on a plane and start my entire life over. I could even end my own life. Nothing is stopping me. The entire world is in my hands. The only problem is, I have no idea what to do with it."

I paused my rant to gaze at his soft, rosy lips.

"I could even kiss anyone who I wanted," I sheepishly said.

He smirked at my suggestive comment, obviously enjoying the attention.

"The problem is," he said as he leaned in, inhaling his cologne, "if I kissed you, I don't think I would ever be able to stop."

I blushed. I truly wouldn't mind if he didn't stop.

As if it was meant to be, our lips collided. They moulded together; went hand in hand with each other like a key does a lock. It felt so natural. It was sad that I had never kissed anyone, but I was glad that he was my first kiss. The time simply stopped as he gently kissed me over and over again. It wasn't fierce; it was as if I needed to be handled with care; just delicate. I wanted to write poems on his skin with my lips. He placed his hands on my cheeks, before moving to my hips. We were so deeply connected and intertwined.

He kissed me not as if I was beautiful; but as if I was exquisite.