blue

XXI

My heart may have been beating at one million miles a minute, but despite that, I don't think it was pumping any blood.

My skin was pale and I felt light headed as if my body was vacant from blood and oxygen; it was vacant from all life.

I always said wanted to die. I told myself I wanted to die, I told others I wish I was dead. But now, when a doctor was looking me dead in the eyes telling me I wouldn't make it until next Christmas when Christmas was my favourite holiday, I no longer wanted to die.

I wanted to be with my family who I haven't seen in years and leave all my worries behind. I wanted to see Melia only to let go of her so that she has time to heal before I die instead of after. If I break up with her now she'll forget about me by the time I die anyway. It was what I needed to do to protect her. She was the love of my life - whether I'm dying or perfectly healthy I will always love her and always put her first.

Everything suddenly came back to me. Every memory, ever emotion. It wasn't as if my life flashed before my eyes - instead, everything I didn't do in my life flashed before my eyes. Every chance I didn't take, every bit of love I didn't give in time, every moment of my life that has not been lived. I have spent my days in coward from the people I love and the people I hate. I can't die yet. I miss my family.

My family left me. Well, I left my family. But they left me emotionally way before I left them physically.

I didn't touch every inch of Melia's body, I didn't love every inch of her personality, I didn't show her every inch of care I hold for her.

But most importantly, I didn't love myself enough. I didn't tell myself I was okay, I didn't tell myself I was a beautiful human being - even if it's not true to others, I know I am a beautiful person. We were all beautiful people until society and ourselves convince us we are not. I have felt love, and that's beautiful. Love is apart of me and love is a beautiful thing.

I am beautiful, even if every other beautiful thing I touch turns into a tragedy, I am beautiful.

After the doctor told me every information I need to know, they still suggested I stayed longer to make sure everything's alright.

But what's the point? If I'm going to die at one point anyway, why attempt to try and let me stay a little longer? I'd rather live my life to the fullest while I can instead of in hospital beds as people try to find a cure for me.

I'd rather be there for Melia. If I can't be there for myself, I'll but there for her. I'll show her colours, I'll show her what it's like to be loved. She deserves it.

It's almost as if we have some kind of deal binding us together, almost like a force.

I give her a colourful world and she gives me happiness in return. And it's all I ask of her.

I was in such an emotional state that I couldn't help but think about the scary parts of our toxic relationship.

What if she only wants to be around me because I allow her to see colour?

At least I'm doing something with my life. At least I'm bringing happiness to someone's life, even if it isn't mine.

So, I stormed out of the doctors office with no regrets. I will not regret anything else from here on out. I headed straight to Melia.

I burst through the doors, tears in my eyes for the first time ever in front of Melia. I showed emotion; I showed her I care. She deserves to see the real me. I am someone who cares and I am someone capable of love. Only love for her though, only for her. I don't want to be the mean, obnoxious, numb person I pretend to be. I don't want to be apart of a gang and I definitely don't want one of my tasks to be to bring Melia to them so they can kill her.

Once I'm dead, none of this will matter, I thought. They can take Melia and they will as soon as I'm dead. There's nothing I can do about it.

She was awake, but still looked confused from all the drugs they have her on.

I walked over to her bed and planted a kiss on her forehead, running my thumb along her temples, trying to clear her head.

"I'm back, Melia."

She groaned, turning her body away from me. She mumbled something, but I couldn't comprehend it.

I needed to let her rest.

I went for a walk downtown to settle my anxiety. I wasn't sure if I should get it over with and tell Melia the sad news now, or wait until it's the perfect moment. Maybe there never will be a perfect moment. Maybe I just shouldn't tell her at all. If I tell her it with ruin everything. She won't want to spend time with me anymore because it'll scare her. I don't want her to be scared; I want her to enjoy every moment she has left with me,

even if that's only a few months.