blue

XXIII

Ashton's POV

***

"You don't love me anymore."

I wish that I could tell her the truth, tell her that I love her now more ever. But I can't. I would rather her hate me when I die than have her feel the pain of her true love not being able to love her anymore.

"That's not true," I spoke softly, "but I'm afraid that I may be slowly falling out of love with you." A tear fell from my bloodshot eye as I lied straight through my teeth. I loved her more than anything, but she couldn't know that. The reason colours were slipping away from her life wasn't because my love was fading, it was because I was slipping away; I was dying.

Silence is what followed. I didn't expect any less. What are you supposed to say when the person who promised you forever tells you forever has an expiration date?

I would take her to my gang today. If I didn't fulfil my promise of delivering Melia to them that I made many months ago, they would kill me before I even had the chance to live. I was surprised that they hadn't already come after me, but with everything going on, I assumed they lost track of time. But if I was going to find a reason to make her hate me, this was going to have to be it. She despised my dark side just as much as I do.

But she can hate me later. If this was my last day with her, I was going to make it count. I was going to show her what the world has to offer - that just because colours have left her along with me, this isn't the end for her yet.

"Let's leave."

She looked at me, confused.

"To get away," I continued. "I want to show you something."

"How will I get out? I'm still supposed to be here for at least a few days."

"Well, are you well enough to jump out that window?"

She looked at me wide-eyed. "Are you insane?"

I nodded. "You shouldn't have to ask that - we met at an insane asylum did we not?"

She frowned, furrowing her eyebrows. "No, we met at school."

"No," I corrected her, "we bumped into each other at school. We did not meet until I saw you at that hospital."

What I was really saying was I didn't fall in love with you until we ran away together with love in our eyes - but I couldn't tell her that. Make sure she feels nothing when I die. I reminded myself what my main goal was and not to stray too far from it.

"It's not a far jump," I said, breaking the silence. "Our runaway from your psycho parents was far more dangerous."

She shrugged off her fear and I extended my hand.

I pulled open the curtains and pushed up the window, a cool breeze entering the room. Without wanting, I pulled myself up as she followed and leaped, never letting go of her hand.

"See, not so bad." Both of us were unharmed, other than shortness of breath which I could hear we both had.

"Where are we going?"

"You'll see."

I wanted to take her somewhere to see colours. It was a cloudy day without rain so there was no point in looking for a rainbow. I pulled her with me along the sidewalk, fingers intertwined, as she complained like a six year old and repeatedly asked me if we were almost there. To be perfectly honest, I had no clue where we were going. All I knew was that if there were no clear blue skies and rainbows for her to see, I would have to paint one.

I could take her to an art museum, but the art there doesn't compare to what a work of art she is. She can look in the mirror to see art. I want her to see my art. I wanted her to see how I see the world and how I wish she sees it.

I finally decided where to go. "We're going back to my house." Notice how I call it a house, not a home. Because home is where family welcomes you with open arms and the smell of warm vanilla fills the house and it's a place where you feel safe. None of that happens in my house.

"Your house? Haven't you been absent from there for years now? How do you even know if your family is home?"

"I'm kind of relying on the fact that they're not home," I laughed. I've never indulged into telling her the full detailed story of my parents and I's relationship, and I probably never will, especially with the fact that I'm slowly dying and all.

She shrugged as if she didn't care where we were going as long as it was with me. I liked that. I enjoyed the fact that she would do anything for me as long as I'm there with her. I have never felt so much emotion in one week. I never thought I was capable of love or sacrifice, but here I am. How ironic. The boy who isn't supposed to love anyone and only himself now loves someone so much that he forgets to love himself.

"Are you coming?" Melia asked. She was playfully running away, waiting for me to follow. What she didn't know was that she was going in the wrong direction.

"This way, love," I said in a very sarcastic yet flirty way.

When we arrived at my house it appeared to be vacant. Perfect. Now, I just hoped that my parents hadn't thrown away my easel and paint set away out of hatred. I visually remember working my ass off in the summer to buy that paint set for myself since they never would.

"We're here."

I luckily recalled exactly where the key was always hidden. I retrieved it from under the porch, (a good hiding spot, I know), and unlocked the creaky door. I flicked on all the lights, trying to let go of the nostalgia.

When we got to my bedroom though, the nostalgia and memories really hit hard. I surprised them, of course, because I didn't want to ruin one of my last days with her.

"Alright, so you're probably as to why I brought you here. Well, so am I. I think it's because I love you and I don't want to lose you so soon and you deserve to see as much of the world as you can. So, here's one of my hidden 'talents'."
I pulled a paintbrush out of a mason jar and positioned my easel, along with opening the tee paint bottles that my parents didn't throw out along with the love they had for me.

"You paint?" I didn't reply, it was obvious that I did. She watched me stroke my brush against the canvas, unaware of what I was painting. "Out of all hobbies, Ashton Blue likes to paint?"

"Oh shush," I teased.

I collided blues and purples and white and watched them drip and soak into the canvas. I hadn't painted in so long. I'm not the best at it, but I enjoy expressing myself though art.

When I was finished, it was a blue sky, which surprised me. I was kind of just throwing around colours in order to represent life; messy. 

But, as messy as my painting can be - as life can be, it is something in the end. And we all see it differently. Some people may see the blue sky that I see and others may see an ocean full of life. We all perceive it differently but nothing is wrong - they're all beautiful perceptions and that's what I am trying to show Melia.

She didn't say anything - whether it was out of shock or just because of my terrible painting skills, I didn't know.

"It's beautiful," she finally said. I smiled back.

"I know you're seeing black and white, so I painted you a clear blue sky."

I swear I saw tears well up in her eyes. "Without you I am colour blind. It's raining everytime I open my eyes and I feel as if you just dropped a ray of sunshine into my life. Even if the colours are fading from my life, even if you are slowly fading from my life, I love you and I thank you for doing this for me; for showing me the light. For everything."

I leaned in and kissed her with every emotion I had left. Oh dear god I can't stop thinking about how hard it's going to be when I have to leave her.

At least it's going to be easier on her than me, I thought, and continued to lock my lips on hers, praying that no one finds a key to unlock them.