blue

XVII

Ashton's POV
***

I stared at the crumpled piece of paper in my hands. On the other side of that paper was not an ordinary piece of Melia's math homework.

When I flipped it over and my mouth fell agape. My body began trembling and I didn't want to read on. I did anyways though, because it was a piece of her and I needed it. It read,

I'm sorry.                            Melia Cronshaw 7/28/16

To anyone who cares,

i'm going to try and put my pain and reasoning into words, along with my love and lust. i have so many things to say but all the words seem too shallow to describe the depths and swirls of my twisted, human mind.

here goes everything:

i swear i was doing okay. i was doing so much better than before, i made so much progress. i was almost even happy. i don't know what happened. something went wrong along the lines of recovery and now i find myself drowning; gasping for breath and i don't know when it started to happen but i started losing my mind again. i think i'm losing pieces of myself, and i don't know where to find them.

it hits me out of no where. all of a sudden, this overwhelming sadness rushes over me. i get discouraged and i feel hopeless, sad, and hurt. and then once again, i feel numb to the world. and that's why i finally wanted it to end; to feel something, even if it's just pain.

i'm always either used, replaced, or forgotten. and i can understand that. but what i don't understand is why. i always try my hardest to make people happy, to mean something to them. but it never works. i'm always worth nothing to everyone, every time. and that's why i'm going to leave my reasoning a mystery. no one ever told me why, so it's my turn. who knows why the girl with the tacky outfits killed herself. maybe it was your fault. or maybe, she just lost her purpose.
whatever the reason was, it doesn't matter now. if you're reading this, i'm probably already dead and there's nothing you can do about it.

now that we've gotten my darker thoughts out of the way, i'm going to talk to mention some of the very few good things that were apart of my life.

dear mother,

no matter how many times i felt betrayed or hurt because of you, i was able to overcome it. and i have you to thank for that. you taught me to be strong and that there's always a way out. if you ever care enough to read this, i'm sorry i gave up. i'm sorry that your lessons on strength weren't valuable enough. i'm sorry that you married someone who made me feel worthless. i'm sorry that i wasn't the perfect daughter, too. i'm sorry for everything. i hope you're not sorry or think you were a bad mother. because you're not, i'm just an uncontrollable daughter. i love you x

dear distant family or old high school friends,

i spent small amounts of time with you and they were fun while it lasted. i love you all but please don't take my suicide as an excuse for someone to feel sorry for you. i was the one with the shitty life and i do not give you permission to act like we were close or something, because we weren't. you probably just heard this on the news and the first thing you want to do is tell your friends instead of grieve. well guess what, if that's what first comes to your mind, you didn't love me and you're one of the reasons i did this to myself. i am not singing off with an 'i love you', either.

and last but most definitely not least, Ashton.

where do I start, Ash. you were my main source of happiness but that just wasn't enough because you were hurting inside too and there just wasn't enough happiness to go around. i care about you more than myself and that's why i left. i used to think it was because i was protecting myself but that's not the case. it's because i didn't want to be a burden upon you. you deserve so much better and i hope you move on and live every minute to the fullest.

thanks for showing me how love feels, and thanks for showing me how loss feels too. thank you for saving me numerous times from john and my own twisted mind. thanks for holding me when no one else offered to. thanks for asking me if i'm okay when no one else cared enough to. and most of all, thank you for showing me an entire new world of colours. if it wasn't for you i wouldn't have been able to see colour. colours are the most beautiful and magnificent things. after seeing black and white for so long, you finally brought colour to my life. and i mean that literally and figuratively.

i'm in love with you ashton. and the reason i don't say 'i was in love with you' which would make more sense since, well, i'm a dead girl, as in past tense. but i don't think i ever will stop loving you, even beyond this earth. i will keep loving you into the afterlife and millions of years after that. i don't remember falling in love with you, i just remember holding your hand on our very uncomfortable bench in the park and and realizing how much it was going to hurt when i let you go. and i had never been afraid to let someone go before, so i just knew you were the one.

i hope you don't feel the same. when i was alive i would have, but i don't anymore. i don't wish to bestow that pain upon your innocent heart. you don't deserve it, and you deserved someone better than me. i'm sorry. please don't forget me like everyone else. actually, please do forget me as quickly as possible. it will help you heal. trust me, i've been there before.

i love you, ash. you are my angel. i was seeing black and white and you painted me a clear blue sky. without you i am colourblind. you brought sunshine to my world; it used to rain every time i opened my eyes.

don't forget about me, melia xx

My whole world has stopped. She was my entire world and now she's gone and it has just stopped. Reading that note hurt my heart more than I can describe because everything I assumed about her was wrong. I was wrong. About everything. She did love me as much as I loved her if not more.

My eyes wandered down to the bottom of the page where there seemed to be some more writing, almost minuscule compared to the rest of the note. I squinted my eyes and looked past the blur from all the tears. At a perfect angle, I could read what she wrote. I was right, this is all my fault. It read,

None of you cared enough.