fixa

four

ik i changed my username sorry abt that

enjoy fam 

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I sit next to Jimin on the couch. It's been days in a row and I haven't left his side. His leg has healed now, so he's perfectly free to go for the dance audition if he wanted. But he refuses.

"I can't leave your side, yoongi. you may think you're okay but you can't see yourself through my eyes. which, you look beautiful, by the way. but you also look unbelievably broken, scared, and vulnerable, and there's no way i'm going to leave you alone again to hurt if it means it kills me, because all I want is for you to be happy again. that may mean you find someone else who you trust completely and that may mean you find nobody, but im determined for you to be happy again. I'll wait for you, just like you did for me. it could turn out badly, but i promise you i will always wait. i wont feel sorrow for myself if you find someone else. if you love me again, i'll except you without hesitance, i want you to know that. i want you to know that its okay to be broken and hurt, its okay to feel this way. but its also okay to ask me to stay, it's also okay to be sad. please know you can tell me, you can ask me to stay by your side as long as you want if it makes you happy. if you want me to leave, i'll leave. if you want me to superglue myself right next to you,  i will. whatever you want, because i love you. you deserve everything because you're a king, a king deserves to be treated well. you're my king, and I love you," he says, his voice tender and soft the entire time. he doesn't seem forceful, he doesnt have that pitiful gleam in his eyes, rather than love. every second he continues to talk, I can feel my eyes well up with tears, and the salty liquid begins to stream down my cheeks. they drip onto the couch.

he delicately reaches a hand up to wipe them away, smiling at me a little. "why are you crying?" he asks, his hand resting on my cheek. he fees so warm, so nice.

"im sorry, I still can't say i love you. im sorry im so worthless. you don't have to waste your time trying to make me happy, jiminnie. im okay, really. im just a little shaken up by the recent events. im not sure i can ever love again. im so desperately afraid of letting somebody take care of me again. im sorry i cant tell you i love you. im sorry i cant do that for you yet. i dont know if i ever will. its not because of you, its because i'm terrible and worthless and i need to get over myself and quit being a pussy. but i just cant. i will try, though. ill try to love you. but i have to know you're going to wait. i need to know you'll be patient with me," i say, tears falling from my eyes. my voice is quiet, hoarse, and i can barely talk.

"yoongi.. of course i'll wait for you. i promise i will. what do you need me to do?" jimin asks, wiping away each tear as it falls.

"well.. don't yell at me, please. please dont force me into anything. please always hug me and support me. if i tell you im okay, im probably not. just stay with me. if i tell you to leave, dont fucking leave me. if you ever go somewhere, tell me when you get there so i now you're okay. i don't want to do anything sexual for a while, i guess, so don't pressure me into it unless i initiate it. there's more, but it's only little things i'm sure you wouldn't do anyway," i explain. jimin nods at everything.

"I promise i'll do anything you ask. i love you, so much," jimin whispers, shaking his head a little. each word we've both said, although our voices small, carried so much emotion.

i want to scream, i want to cry, i want to tell him i love him so bad, because everything about him just makes me want to tell him that, but i can't. im way too scared. the thought of getting hurt again because of love scares me. i almost died because i was hurt so bad. i dont want that again.

something inside of me feels like jimin can either break me in half or make me whole again. if he fixes me, i'll be happy again. if he breaks me, i might end up killing myself. it's almost life or death here.