fixa

six

We order our food, well jimin orders our food. if i tried, knowing how i've changed, i'd probably fuck it up and say something wrong. the waitress delivers our food, not paying any additional attention to either of us, like i've see in the past. 

we finish our meal, completely in peace, having a somewhat regular conversation. he pays, with who's money i couldn't debate against, and we leave. i expect that we're going to go straight home and spend the day together cuddling, but he tightens his his grip on my hand, ready to ask me a question. "yoongi.. do you want to go somewhere else?" he asks, looking at me carefully.

i want to say no, i want to scream no, i want to say i want to go home, but if I did he'd be disappointed in me. i dont want him to look down on me. i want him to look at me the same way he did before without having to force it.

"I guess," i say, trying not to let my voice shake. he nods, smiling a little. i really don't want to go anywhere else. people are always judging me, what im wearing, what i look like, who i'm with. and i dont want that. it scares me so bad. i could fall over, i could speak a little too loud, i could be stuck in a crowd, i could lose jimin and i could be alone. it could all happen, and it scares me so bad. but i have to. i have to get over myself.

he holds my hand as he begins to lead me along the sidewalk and into town, and i feel so unbelievably nervous. i clutch tightly onto his hand, and soon we're in the city. i haven't been here in so long.

he decides to take us to the mall. it looks so spacious and glamorous, i just noticed.

"yoongi, i wanna treat you today. you can buy yourself anything. get you some clothes, some snacks to eat at home, anything you want. i want you to feel happy again," jimin says, looking at me with serious eyes. i nod, although i don't want to. "so what do you want first?" he asks, and i shrug. "clothes, i guess," i say, pulling on the sleeves of my shirt. i realized i haven't seen the scars since then, and when i change today i can't avoid it.

he nods, leading us to the mens section for clothes. we browse through, and i find several long sleeve shirts that i like. i pick out a few in different sizes, folding them over my arm. i trail along to the pants section, finding two pairs of skinny jeans i like. i fold those over my arm too, turning back to jimin. "im ready to change,"  i say, only now realizing the meaning behind that sentence. i have to go look at my scars. jimin has to see them.

he follows me into the dressing room, and i set the clothes on the bench next to him. my lip is caught between my teeth as i slowly pull the shirt over my head, taking even more time to reveal my skinny arms. i close my eyes, wanting to avoid looking at the scars for as long as i can. when i do, i feel so scared. they remind me of everything, everything that happened, everything i felt. 

and i cry.

i hate to be so emotional, i hate to be such a crybaby, but i can't help it, and i dont even know what do anymore.

jimin is quick to turn me around and wrap his arms around me, and i try to make as lease noise as possible. if other guys heard  me crying, it'd be quite a concern. "please stop crying, yoongi, it's okay," he whispers, petting my hair. "no it's not. i hate that i can't stop myself from crying. im sorry im so stupid, it's just these scars really scare me sometimes," i say, my voice cracking as my fists curl into his shirt.

"it's alright to be scared of them yoongi. but they don't make you any less than you were. they make you beautiful. you're so fucking strong and amazing, to think you survived what you went through," jimin whispers into my ear in a way that makes me shiver.

"they don't make me beautiful, please don't lie," i say, pulling back a little. i don't want to look into his eyes.

"yoongi.." he starts, hooking his finger under my chin and forcing me to look up at him. i do, and i gulp. theres a certain look in his eyes i can't pinpoint.

"everything about you makes you beautiful. you may not think so, but i think you're beautiful. that's all that has to matter," he says, cupping my cheek. i let myself practically drown in his eyes. his eyes are like a maze i can't find my way out of. 

everything is like a maze i can't get out of. i cant get away from this fear, this constant cycle of being paranoid, reassured, all over again. it's impossible, and it brings such overwhelming confusion that it hurts.

i stare at him, and i find myself leaning closer and closer until our lips are just barely brush against each other. i can feel his warm breath fan against my lips, and im shaking. i don't want to do this, but i do want to. i want to do it so bad. jimin speaks, his voice just below a whisper.

"do you want to do this?" he asks, his eyes switching from my lips to my eyes. yes, im going to say yes. im going to do it, and im going to kiss him and im going to enjoy it. everything is going to come back. im not going to be scared anymore. i'm going to be fine, im going to be fixed. if i say yes, it'll be the old me again.

"no,"i say, shaking my head a little. thats not what i meant to fucking say.

he smiles a little. i didn't want to hurt him, but he just smiles. his thumb brushes my cheek, and he pulls away a little. he watches my eyes as he leans to the right, and i twitch a little under his touch as his lips make contact lightly with my cheek. i blush, and he smiles at my reaction.

"all in good time," he says, reaching a hand down to gently grab my wrist, he brings it up to his lips, and he kisses it shortly, still remaining eye contact. then he leaves to go sit on the bench, leaving me without words, shirtless and flustered.

-

i dont have any words to explain but all i gotta say is yall better be prepared for the actual ending to his shit i am so excited puh;kdjhf;kasdh;kasjejwehjwe;hewhpewh is this making u emo