fixa

five

jimin and i are preparing to go out for lunch for the first time in a while, together at least. I don't even know why he's so set on bringing me into the public. so I voice my thoughts.

"jimin, what do you even plan on doing with me? I'm really just a burden-"

"min yoongi don't ever say that. you know damn well I'm perfectly willing to help you with every step through this, and you're not a burden. in the end if you can tell me you love me without struggling, it'll be worth it. but if you dont, it's no big deal either. just wear what you want to and then we can go, and I'll hold your hand the entire time," jimin explains, his hands resting on my cheeks and his voice quiet. I nod, resuming my outfit change.

"but still, what are we going to do?" I ask, not looking up this time.

"with your permission, of course, we can go out into the public together more and more until it's easy for you, and then try it alone until you can do it just like you did before. that means you'll have to stay home alone sometimes. if you're okay with it, in a couple weeks I want to go for that dance audition and if you're somewhat stable by then I will go alone, but if you're still scared you can come with me," he says, and I smile a little. the thought that he's cautious about all this and always considers my say is so sweet. but then I frown because fear is still handing my choice to love.

we finish getting ready and his hand grips mine as soon as we leave the door, and I follow him down the hallway and stairs, through the lobby and into the parking garage. we get in the car, and he starts it, not wasting a second to begin comforting me by playing with my fingers delicately or holding my hand.

"where do you want to go?" He asks, and several ideas pop in my head. part of me wants to go somewhere down the street jimin and Taehyung went down in the videos hoseok sent me, but the other part of me is determined to be okay with the homophobic slurs and go down the street hoseok and i went down and go to the cafe.

so we do. we walk down the sidewalk, my hand clutching tightly onto his, biting my lip and waiting for the terrifying moment somebody calls us out.

not only do I hate the thought that people will be thinking about in disgust how they saw a gay couple on the streets, but I also hate the thought that everyone is just watching us, judging us, and it's so scary. I didn't always care about that, but now I do, a hate it. this street reminds me of how worthless I felt when jimin left. and all I want is for these feelings to leave, but I can't help it.

surprisingly, nobody said anything. when we get to the cafe, nobody but a woman is here. we sit down, and a while later jimin excuses himself for the bathroom. "no- wait-" i begin to protest quietly, but I stop myself. I have to man up and get over my terrible fear of being left alone if I still want jimin to like me.

not long after, a woman slides into the booth. it startles me, and I feel an anxiety attack come on. I begin to shake and an uneasy feeling comes into my gut.

but I recognize her. I recognize her as the woman who wrote the note to hoseok and i at this exact cafe. and I feel safe around her.

"hey, it's okay don't be nervous," She says, seemingly noticing my frightened stage. I nod and wait for her to speak.

"so, what happened to that other guy?" She asks, and i sigh.

"well, about half a year ago my ex boyfriend was hit by a train and it was my fault, and he was in a coma for about three months. when he woke up he didn't remember me and my life went to hell. when I confessed my love to him he rejected me and revealed his crush on one of my friends. i only had hoseok left, the guy you saw me with, but then he cheated on me. and seeing jimin so happy with taehyung made everything worse and i- sorry, anyway i was feeling really sad so I figured nobody would care if I killed myself, so I did. atleast I tried. in the moments I was supposed to die, Jimin kissed me and I guess it triggered something because he remembered everything and he took me to the hospital and here I am," i say, smiling a little at the end.

"oh, that's a happy ending. but something still feels wrong. what's wrong?" She says, tilting her head. I sigh

"well, im too scared to let anyone in again like I did before because I don't want to get hurt, but I also want to scream to the whole world how much I love jimin. he said he's willing to wait but I can't help but feel terrible that I'm doing this to him," i say, and she smiles at me.

"child, it's okay. it all seems worse from your perspective, but try easing up a little. if jimin is so determined to make you happy again, and you take out everything else and you can just tell he's telling the truth, then do what you think is right. if he really loves you, he will wait for you. you don't need to feel bad for being broken and hurt by love. so take your time, sweetheart. it's important that you pay attention to yourself in a relationship too. I've got to go now because your boyfriend is coming back, but remember my words," She says, and she leaves my table. just after that jimin returns.

"who was that?" He asks, turning to look at the woman, only to find she's gone.

"an old friend," i say, a small smile still lingering on my lips.

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yall actually enjoy rhis shit wtf but ur all heckin emo so I Am succeeding k lol ily bye