Dear...

To the part of me lost

We weren't even together.
We weren't even together but in my heart I know I loved you. Or love you it's all still so mixed.

They ask if you loved him why did you say no. Everything I ever wanted. You called me perfect. You told me I was beautiful. You asked me on a date.
 
They ask Are you attracted to boys who don't want you? Do you only love the broken? Is your obsession with fixing things so much that when you're done you have to break yourself for a new project? What is wrong with you?
What is wrong with you? What is wrong with you? What is wrong with me?

I know him I tell them, like the back of my hand. I see his freckles in constellations. I see his opinions in politics. In my dreams his hand fits into mine like a puzzle piece. In my dreams our bodies lie together like paper folded into itself. We are the same person. That's what I have told myself for seven years. I love the way his lips are always chapped. I love how he towers over me. I love that he is home. I love how kind he is. I love how he's never seemed to grow into his ears. I love him with all of my heart.

And it took all of my courage to say no. After everything all the ignoring and the broken promises. Why do I still love him? Why am I attracted to broken and unfixable? Is that my type? Do I have a type?

I know him better than he knows himself. I know that beautiful and perfect was out of pity. I know that he did not love me. Not the way I wanted. I know the back of my hand and it did not want me.

I told myself I would give up, this last time was too much. This last time I needed him and he was not there. I needed my friend and my friend was gone. I told myself you will not go back to him. You will be his friend if he needs you because you owe him that much. But he does not deserve your love.

I cried for nights. I could not balance for weeks. I did not know how to be.

He came back to me. Wasn't that my curse that no matter how hard I tried I would go back to him? Wasn't he my destiny?

My friends constantly pick loves that do not love them back. They pick loves that do not deserve them, that do not deserve their unconditional love. How could I be the example, how could I tell them how wonderful they were and how they deserved to be treated if I could not do the same? I said no. It was not what I wanted at first.

At first I said yes, I fell for you and your big ears. I do not know how I had the courage to take it back.

I finally loved myself or my friends or something more than you.

I do not know how to be still. But I do know that I did not know you. You are spiteful and arrogant. Your pride is bigger than your ears. You are everything I hate about the world. But I still love you.

You are the reason I started to write. I do not know how to do that without you. I do not know how to write the boy I loved when he is so awful now. I do not know how to continue novels of cliches when you are not him.

The scariest part I think is in my head I still separate you. The boy I loved and the boy who broke my heart. They are the same person but I do not know how to believe that.

I can't write my dreams anymore because we do not fit. Our hands shake when they are about to touch, our bodies lie flat and still as parts of us begin to grow unevenly and against the other. I can not finish the stories about us because there is no us that I want anymore.

I tell my friends that I am fine. Some days it is true. Some days I can feel the piece that is missing from me. The hand I used to know so well seems to have changed. His freckles are gone now. And apparently they were never the constellations in the first place.

I'm sorry I was not enough. I'm sorry the first girl to love you could not choose you. I'm sorry it was me. I'm so sorry.

How lucky it must be for you that you have only had your ego hurt. I am missing. I am missing parts of myself I did not know were you.

My first heartbreak was by a boy I did not love, and my first love broke my heart because he did not love me.

My friends try to convince me that I am wrong. That you did love me. But I know you. I knew him.

You always seemed to say things you did not mean. So when you told me to take it or leave it I knew I was joke.

Maybe in a month, maybe a year. Maybe sometime in between that I will figure out it was not my fault and that I am not a joke.

But I still have the video of your voice. I play it when I can't sleep. I play it when I need the boy I love. You are not him anymore. But I wish so badly you were.

To the part of me that is lost now,
I do not think I will ever find you because I have only ever seen you in him.

How can I be okay when he was my galaxy ? I learned the constellations as his freckles and now I must learn that they were never that. I am not ready but I hope to God this letter makes it easier.

I still can not write with out him.

Love,

Every part of me

Ps
I hope you're doing well....