Dear...

Dear Confused Friend,

I have thought about this letter since the day it happened, or rather the day it ended. I want to explain. Not really for you, but for myself. I want to explain why Im still so angry. 

Sometimes I try not to think about it, but it overwhelms me. Here goes my explanation. We met early on and immediatly became friends. Though our friendship didnt truly come to it's peak until two years later we were still in contact between the time we met and the time we could not be seperated. Here I was the best friend of the greatest person in the world. In this year my family and I lost our house. Most people lose their houses because they dont pay bills, but we were lucky. We payed every bill that came our way, but the bank had to screw someone over. As a child who looses their home, people look at you with that "I'm so sorry you're poor look". But the look was wrong, the reason I was kicked out of my home was because the bank put it on the market while we still LIVED there. By the time the judge saw the truth, a couple had bought the house. Sure we couldve gotten it back, but it wouldve costed a pretty penny, and though we had it there was no more fight left in my parents. 

Anyways, this connects to us for a specific reason and that reason is; my anger. I was so angry that we lost our house, we'd done nothing wrong. We did what we were supposed to do, we were good people and still here we were. I was horribly angry and you sat and told me about your problems. About the boy across the street that thought you were pretty, never did you once ask me about my new house, or about the truth. You sat with the same look. 

Fast foward to to two years later. Most of that year to me now is a blur. Blocked out by my subconsious. Though I remember still being upset, but I had you this time right? I remeber once we sat together and this rush of sadness and anger came to me. Of course I started to cry, not a weep but a steady good cry. You asked me what was wrong and I said everything. Because truly it was, it was the lives of the people I'd never see grow. My house. My family's new finacial situation. I said this and you patted my back and turned to your new boy toy. 

Later that year, I healed myself. I was happy again. We entered talent shows and ran for student council. Once we sat together again and you showed your new favorite song. I Knew You Were Trouble~Taylor Swift. I fell in love with the song. Immediatly it became the song of our friendship.  We sang at the top of our lungs. Soon you told me the song would, play whenever I felt the sad and angry rush in. Sure enough it did. 

Then the news came, our inseperable duo would be split. We would not continue together. The sad and angry came rushing in. At least we spent the remaining days together, right? You know the end to this cautionary tale, but I assume you dont know the answer to this specfic question. The answer is no. I was left in that moment and I shouldve noticed. But how can one notice that the sun is gone when it's still dark out? My world came crashing down in a matter of minutes the moment we said our goodbyes, with powerpoints of those we would miss the most, I was not on your list. "I will not miss you because we will stick together." You said. May I ask if you ever believed it, or did you forget about the person who knew all of your secrets? Did you forget about the person who stayed with you everytime you became slut shamed? Who was there when you needed a shoulder to cry on or an honest opinion, or someone to tell them to stop looking when you cried? But, you got your new chew toys and you decided to spit me out. Okay, I figured she forgot. It's fine, she just forgot. 

The summer in between was great until, I went to see you. We hadnt seen eachother in MONTHS. I stood before you and I remember thinking, it'll al go back to the way it was. But it didnt because you were not you. You werent natural beauty and kindness anymore you were ass hanging out and profanity. But you were still my best friend so I looked at you and I disregarded the new changes. You know those stories that continue here and say "We talked for hours and it felt as though no time had passed" this is not our story. Time had passed and as soon you saw me you saw a ghost. You ignored me the rest of the day and "hung" with your new friends. I suppose it should not bother me that the person who forgot me, chose everyone else above me. But, it did. It crushed me, though I was still hopeful.

I tried to contact you the entire summer and most of the school year. I walked into the school year knowing that my best friend didnt want me let alone love me anymore. I was awkward lonely and aware. I wrote and angry letter to you once, on your birthday. Though now I regret ever sending it. It wasnt until a year ago, I decided not to hate you anymore. It took so much energy out of me to hate you. I decided you were not worth my time, I was not worth yours. 

Now I sit here and I try to explain to you what happened. Though ahlf of my letter makes no sense, its all I can write without losing myself in hatred again. It has been three years. I do not hate you. I am however still angry, still hopeful that you will become the person I thought you to be. Everytime I see a photo of you a scroll and continue on. Sometimes I even make a point to ignore most of them. 

I do not sing our song for I find it ironic now. In acutallity it took me a year to even sing again, I remeber the night I sung for the first time. My voice cracked but, it was mine and every part of you that lay imbedded into it vanished. I now have a best friend. She loves me, shell never forget me and I her. But in all of my years of healing I never once explained what it was thaat had hurt me. Now I have, I still sometimes wonder what wouldve happened had the events that led to our downfall not occured. But then I stop myself, and remember how much I love my new friendships. I remember the people that will never forget about my hold on them. 

There are nights when the angry and the sad rush at me, but there is a new item on my list, and it is you. They say the loss of frienship hurts more than any heartbreak ever will. However they also say  that time heals all wounds. 

 Sincerely, 

The Girl Who Waits for Time to Pass

P.S. A part of me wishes that the only part of me you remember from this letter, is guilt. 
P.P.S. Another part of me hopes you're doing alright.