Poetry Dump

3/19/17

Unspoken Words + Unexpeted Journal Entry

What people say:

"I regret telling you."

What my truthful response would be:

"At least I'm trying to understand your troubles. At least you have people trying to comfort you. AT LEAST YOU HAVE PEOPLE YOU CAN LEAN ON! You had the gut to tell people your problems. You had the courage to cry in front of people. YOU HAD COMFORT, SUPPORT! PEOPLE DEFENDED YOU! THAT INCLUDED ME! I TRIED TO HELP YOU, TRIED TO LISTEN, TRIED TO UNDERSTAND YOUR POINT OF VIEW, BUT I CAN'T BECAUSE I'M NOT YOU! So know, as I tell you these things, tell you to never forget that you have me as a friend, you push me farther away. You tell me to leave you alone and forget about everything you told me. You tell me that you regret telling me things. It hurts me, but I give you space. Because that's what you asked me to do. So, as we drift apart, you get closer with other people. But you know what, even through all of this, even if the pain is slowly killing me, I wouldn't change a thing. Because, this is my life, and I've learned to accept it."

What happened:

We ignored each other. We would never speak a word to each other nor would we even try to.

Note: (Where the unexpected entry starts)

My friend and I got into a fight. I won't go into detail, but she has wattpad and wrote an explanation on it. Here it is:

---Start---

so if i kinda got mad at you after school please don't take it seriously cause i am deeply sorry it's just been really hard lately i just don't like it when people assume my point of view don't tell me what i don't see don't tell me what you don't know if you think he's scared as he told you might wanna recall that again cause if he literally made me cry there's something wrong and you guys know that and if you're gonna ask, "do you wanna talk about it?" don't change what i'm feeling you don't change what i see it just bothers me when people tell you how you "should" feel i literally had to yell something at you guys cause you guys just don't listen sometimes i have friends who literally don't listen no matter what i'm feeling especially paprika like he's mad when i just called him an "idiot" like WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU GET MAD AT THAT I CALL EVERYONE THAT or in my head being called dumb shouldn't hurt you that much you know it's been like idk ide remember calling you that but okay have it your way you just lost someone we're just so on and off it's annoying like i've been speaking up and you say that i'm mad LIKE WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK I'M SO MAD THAT THERE'S A FIRE IN ME THAT WILL BURN MY HOUSE DOWN THAT'S HOW STRESSED AND ANGRY I AM I'M NOT HAVING A GOOD WEEK AT ALL uGH YOU'RE THE ONE WHO KEEPS IGNORING ME I WAS TRYING SO HARD TO TALK TO YOU AND YOU'RE NOT TALKING TO ME DON'T YOU SEE THAT I'M TRYING DO YOU REALLY NOT SEE IT FUCKING PISSES ME OFF SO MUCH THAT PEOPLE DON'T SEE MY FEELINGS AND DON'T TAKE IT SERIOUSLY UGH i just i cant like i'm just really angry at paprika maybe it was a big mistake to like him cause like nothing is going well so i'm just gonna like drift away from him like it's only been like 2 weeks and this thing is already burning flames ugh bai

---End---

If you know who she is, please don't do anything. Don't tell her anything, don't mention anything, don't mention me. Don't mention this entry, don't do anything. Please. I just needed to write this entry because I wanted to just tell someone, anyone. It's driving me crazy keeping my words unspoken as I'm slowly dying. It's eating me up everyday as I see my friend at school. We ignore each other but no one knows that. No one knows about the problem. Only me and her. No ones knows how much I want everything to go back to normal, not ever she knows that. No one, not even her, knows how much I cry about wanting things to go back to normal. But the thing is, she has the guts to tell people her problems, while I just keep my feelings bottled up. She has the guts to cry at school, while I keep my tears hidden and put on a fake smile. I don't tell people this, because who would actually care enough to listen to my problems without giving me pity. Who would actually care, who could I actually trust. Because trust, is the only thing I never believed in.

So, after I read the entry I commented saying that I am trying to understand how she feels, but all I can really do is TRY, because I'm not her. Here was her reply:

--Start--

i appreciate that you're trying but just don't try to assume my perspective even if you think that it can help, it's not gonna help me. so just don'tdo that please

--End--

But, being the asshole I am, I had to ruin everything by telling her that I don't assume her perspective. That all I'm really doing is trying to understand, trying to listen to her problems, telling her that I will always be there for her. So, here was her reply:

--Start--

you know what. i'm pissed off now from all of this so i'm not gonna tell you anything from now on because you're just gonna keep going and going on and on about it. just stop talking to me for a while. i'm just gonna hang out with people who don't get what's happening so that i can heal by myself. i don't want to talk about it. it's already getting annoying how you're the only one trying to defend yourself. i'm starting to regret telling you things. just please stop and leave me alone. i'm not even feeling any better from what you're saying. so whatever you type again is just gonna anger me even more. you're making me feel that my feelings are wrong. and it bothers me whenever you do that same thing. i know you're there for me but sometimes you just do things that bother me way to much. and the guys have already read this. they don't comment, because they just wanna leave me alone. i just wanna be left alone for once so don't comment about this anymore please 

--End--

And that's where it ended. That's when I respected her wishes and stopped talking to her. I deleted my comment so I don't have to be reminded of this, but of course, her replies are still in my notifications. This happened on March 10, 2017, and I've been keeping that in for a long time. Right now, I don't know if I would want anything to change. I mean, if I do apologize, what's that going to do? Nothing. Because it's impossible to have everything back to the way it was, especially since everything is already screwed up.

- Bianca Nicole (InfiniteStory10)

_________________________

For my readers: Sorry you had to go through that. Sorry you had to read through my problems. I'm truly sorry. I just wanted to "say" something. By "say" I mean write it out, because I'm too much of a coward to say anything. I don't want anything to change. So, I'll just keep my screwed up life, screwed. I would rather have the pain kill me inside than to have people know my true feelings.