And You Are?

10th February: 2017

8:17am:

Hey Amy

8:17am:
hey Ash
things okay?

8:17am:

sort of
well
no

we need to talk

8:17am:
oh?
okay

(8:17am:
this is it 

Flora he is going to end it

whatever it is he's ending it

8:17am:
breathe amy
just listen to what he has to say x )

8:18am:
things between us haven't been steady 

since new year have they?

8:18am:
no

8:18am:

and I wanted to talk to you about it as there's something I think you forgot. 

8:18am:
oh crap
what did I do

(8:18am:
my drunk ass made a fool of me
yet again Flora
why do I do this to myself)

8:18am:

you told me something
you said that you love me

8:20am:
oh

8:20am:
oh? 

8:20am:
I just

erm
I'm not sure what response I'm meant to have

8:20am:
I think any response is better than 'erm' 

8:20am:
just
I knew I said that

I didn't forget it
and if Flora spoke to you, which I'm expecting she did as its Flora
she told you I'm an honest drunk

8:20am:
we may have had a conversation
so why did you not mention it?

8:21am:
it was uncomfortable
like bringing it up suddenly

I thought you wanted to forget it, so I tried to as well
but I couldn't, it hurt too much

8:21am:
what hurt?

8:21am:
it hurt to deny myself a feeling that I had never had a chance at experiencing. 
with Liam I thought that was love, it was just delusion. 
yet now, with you it is something 
there is nothing like the butterflies I feel when I see you or hear you on skype or on the phone
when you talk about your ambitions I am wanting to know more and specific details
I don't tire of you

8:21am:
what is wrong with us?

why can't we be more honest?

8:21am:

because it is unconventional

we live in different countries on opposite sides of the world
not the easiest relationship to explain to my parents who probably hoped I'd meet a nice guy at University 

8:21am:
its not like we asked for it
but I don't regret it
if that makes sense?

8:21am:
no it does
I just wish it was a bit easier than this Ash

8:21am:
has Flora shown you the messages I sent her yet?

8:24am:
She has now
wow
you really think that about me?

8:24am:
and more
one day I'd like to sit with you and paint

then play music and write poems to play 

go to the beach with Cami
go to your beloved cafe or see the stump of that tree from your childhood

8:24am:
its two months Ash

two months and then we can finally do all that

8:24am:
I'll have the sunflowers ready and canvas blank

8:25am:

and then when I leave the sunflowers would've died and the canvas will be filled with life and colour
our memories painted in depth across every inch.

8:25am:
and you will have your own song

ode to the sunflower 
I love you, Amelia. 
the stranger who never sleeps 

8:25am:
and I love you Ashton

the stranger who has attachment issues and wished for a bromance 

8:25am:
but what I got instead was better

just.