Learning to Love Me

You and me, you are my bad thing

*I know last chapter was pretty over the place but there is a reason for that.  Will make sense, promise*

Dear Dairy,
         I have yet to meet the family again since this past week. Ive woke from sadness crying often, well more like denial. I've still not come to complete acceptance of what has occurred the betrayal of those I once love . The last time I wrote (my last entry 1 week ago) I mentioned how it was different. I slept soundly in the arms of him, how he broke more into my inner core, with 4 words.
        How my thoughts were running in circles, not making much sense until now. How 'alone' i truly was, with concern making him feel the same as i. But it occurred to me that he does not see the same as I do in the mirror as I look onto myself.
          A sad young girl who is lost, damaged and is trying to figure it all out.

Another day, another hour, another lesson to be learned of oneself

Day 15

The family. His family. They didn't push me to, what's the word reveal my weakness? No, no, that's not it. Open up.
I mean, they are the ones that saved me. From my own hell which I did not want to or saw to leave any time soon.  With his encouragement I managed to engage with his parents and form relationships with them. It took much motivation from Phoenix. 

Over the course of the week, I became familiar with my new surroundings. As well as the never-ending standoff with my inner demons,  my family. 

The fear that this family will also leave me.

              ALONE

Alone, to be left. Not wanted, needed. Loved.... cherished.

But Phoenix, he seemed that he wanted to make me understand that I was loved, needed and wanted. But why do I get a sense of guilt or fear of loss from him?

our interactions seemed somewhat normal. He was his usual sweet self, until the phone buzzed. He then became jumpy... easily annoyed. Was it something that involved me? My family? Did I cause him distress but he didn't want me to know?

I walked around the main garden to keep my mind at ease. But I couldn't help the sense that something was soon to come, a cloud. I couldn't shake off this feeling. It seems that indeed I will have to face whatever he is keeping from me.... however, am I jumping to fast to conclusions on  my own merit? Maybe its something personal that he doesn't want me to know for my own protection. Right? Right..... that must be it. 

Then again... STOP. I will believe in him, i will trust his words....

"enjoy the outdoors love??"

As I turned, there he stood memorized. by what though? I am nothing of the sort. 

"Love.." he says

"uh-uh, sorry. Just lost in thought. are you okay now?" 

"I am.. sorry it was a business associate that i did not want to see again. Our interaction ended on bad terms."

"oh, i'm sorry to hear that. You just seemed out of sorts, easily annoyed. I felt I did something to offend you. "

he slowly approached me and ever so sweetly took my hand over his breast. 

"I am so sorry if i ever made you feel like that in any moment and time"

He leans in. 

"I am sorry love, I will do my up best not to hurt you again... i'm sorry."

The softest chaste kiss I have ever received from any person... i really can not describe the sensation. Was it too much too think how cute he looked at this moment... all I said was how he looked a little out of sorts and he quickly apologized to me with such deep emotion, he really cares for me... my heart just won't stop beating... 

"you... my little angel.. you.. and me. you are my bad thing, you are my sweet addiction." he whispers in my ear as he slowly roams around my waist. I can feel the heat from his hand as he slowly adventures around my breast, descending down to my side of my stomach, my back.. and firmly grips my waist.  Possessively so, almost yelling "MINE".