House of Paper and Wax

6

Max wasn't happy when we walked out to the parking lot. Until right then, we hadn't remembered that our vehicles weren't here with us at the hospital. In all the chaos, we hadn't thought about getting home, and suddenly Max was even more angry he hadn't just followed in his truck. We were stranded. Great. Just Great.
I reminded myself, that it is never a good idea to  say "what else could possibly go wrong now?" Because if I do, another situation comes spinning out of nowhere, ready to really flip my world around. And that was exactly how the whole weekend had gone. But I felt a sudden urge to say something, anything, to break the tension by asking that very question.
Halfway through the sentence, "how much worse (right about here) can this day get?" I realized I made a huge mistake. Of all the things I could have said right then, I had picked that? I felt like an idiot, and my cheeks began to burn hot and flush red. I laughed nervously, and smiled with a half grin.
Max shot me another sharp glare. "Dammit Kat! You just have to go and fuck everything good up for me, don't you!?!"
I can only describe my own reaction at that moment , to that of a cartoon. It was that "oh shit" kind of look. Just like the one on Wiley coyote's face towards the very end of a cartoon clip. Coyote stands stunned, and all shaken up after a long day of backfired attempts catch the Road Runner for dinner. The snarky Road Runner always gets out of any trap coyote sets, and usually the coyote gets caught in his own contraption; or worse blown to shreds by a rocket or a bomb, labeled in big red letters, "ACME". As if things couldn't get any worse, the road runner decides to sneak up and tap Coyote on the shoulder. It startles Coyote every time. His eyes  widen and pop out of his head, and his teeth fall out in a piano key fashion. Quickly, the road runner boldly decides  to go one step further. (As if eyes coming out of a skull, along with a sudden lack of teeth isn't enough,) "Meep Meep", the Road Runner smirks.
And there coyote is (I am), stunned and just standing there, eyes bloodshot,  and shaken up. Right there in the dessert, (the hospital parking lot) the skit closes to an end, and the final ACME bomb blows the Coyote away, and the Road Runner (this would be Max) runs away, unharmed, free and in the wind.
If that wasn't entirely clear, his answer to my "joke" wasn't even close to what I expected. The blame he just laid on me...it wasn't even logical, let alone nice. This was not like him. I had never in all our 7 years together seen him react that way.
But, as if I wasn't already stunned enough, he went a step further and his "Meep Meep" was much more surprising than the Road Runner could ever dream up.
"It's your fault we are here. You just have to go and be so over dramatic and overreact since I got us something you wouldn't ever normally pick out yourself. You got yourself all worked up over nothing and fucking fainted on me."
"Max!" I cut in, "I fainted because I AM PREGNANT!" Hm. It felt so strange to actually say it aloud. But this wasn't how I had pictured saying it for the first time. Not. At. All. This was supposed to be a happy occasion. We had both dreamed of this for so long...
Max walked over to me and spoke an inch away from my face. I could hear his teeth grit together as he spoke in a gruff tone "You know WE can't get pregnant, Kat. You know we just found out my count is lower than normal. We didn't have a chance. You knew that. So you know what I think? I think you met someone and went and cheated on me. I can't believe this! You're crazy if you think I'm going to raise someone else's child!" This would have been about the point in time time my theoretical teeth fell out from feeling the initial shock.
"Max!" I pleaded, "I would never---"
"Shut up." He cut me off. "I want you to listen good. Do you understand?"
I nodded. I was shaking and the feeling in my hands went cold and numb. And I was seeing spots again. I think right then, I wouldn't have minded one bit if I were to faint again. It would get me out of his intruding space, and away from him right at that very moment..
But.
I didn't faint.
And my teeth, of course, really didn't fall out.
Instead I felt a new feeling. A Feeling I had spoken to clients at work about, but had never really experienced myself. The feeling of being helpless and scared. The feeling of freezing up in total shock. The feeling, of what a victim experiences right before they are about to be attacked.
I knew he wasn't going to hit me right there in front of the hospital. I looked from side to side to see if anyone was noticing his violent body language. Strangely, there was not one stranger in sight. I could only hope someone was looking out a window.
"I...I---" I stuttered.
(Acme bomb comes flying out of nowhere).
"Listen carefully. I want you do exactly as I say. Do you hear me!?! I'm taking your phone and your purse. I want you to go inside after I call my mother for a ride to the house. I want you to watch out the window for us to leave. I want you to stay out of sight, and wait here for me to come back."
"Ok...B-but why, why can't I just ride with you guys to the house?" I dared to ask.
"Because my pretty little, cheating wife.
You need to stay here and think. When I come back I wanna hear the whole truth. "
I cried out as I cut in, this time backing away slightly. "Max, what are you even talking about!?!"
"Kat you've gotta be the dumbest bitch on the entire planet." Max walked closer to my face again. "I don't want to hear another word about it right now. You hear me?"
I nodded. Now I was certain someone was seeing this. They had to be...
But again, no faces in sight. Maybe the window!?!
Max grabbed my face. I was begging myself to faint, but I just couldn't.
"LOOK AT ME!" His eyes burned black.
"Ok." I said quietly, tears flowing down my face.
"Quit your crying. NOW! "
"Okay!" I said slightly angry.
"YES SIR." He mocked.
"Wha--? I-I mean, yes sir." I looked down. This is not the way the books I read made me imagine saying those words. Not at all. It was shaming. Not sexy. Not passionate. Not steamy. No. it was absolutely shocking and down right degrading.
I stood there shaking. He let go of my face. But still kept very close to me. He stared into my eyes like fire.
He turned his attention to his pocket and pulled out his phone. He took a deep slow breath, and then he smiled. I wanted to run. But my legs were shaken. I wanted to cry, but the tears only slowly tricked out, without any sound of a sob. He dialed his mother and spoke cheerfully. "Hey there mom! So, you won't believe what happened!"
He was so carefree and calm.
He paused a moment and then responded. "Yeah. Kat fainted when I got home."
He paused again. "No. No," he began again. "No ma. I'll explain later. Listen, I was wondering if you could come get me here at the city hospital. Kat's still inside and they have her waiting in labs. We had to come here in the ambulance, and I'm stuck like chuck because I forgot my truck!"
She was talking now, and he smiled. It was if nothing had just happened.
He kept talking. "No mom. No. No, just please come get me and I will explain more on the way. It'll be easier this way if I can just come back quickly before her labs are done."
I was in awe. He was lying so well. And I wondered how often he might do that to me.
"Ok. Ok. Yeah mom. I'll tell you all about it when you get here. Just hurry. I'll be outside. Yeah. Yeah. She will be fine. They think it's just her anxiety. It'll be ok."
My anxiety? Ha!
He hung up the phone and looked back over to me. Again, the smile from his face transformed into an angrier version of himself.
"Go inside now." He ordered, as he pointed to the front doors.
"Yes---" he nodded and raised his brow, coaxing for me to add "sir".
"Yes, SIR," I began again. My nerves were shot, and I hoped for anything to take the edge off all this sudden tension. I was begging myself to faint again. Can I at least have my cigarettes and lighter? I'm pretty shaken, and it might help me relax..."
I instantly knew I had made another mistake. Max grabbed he purse from my shoulder, and wrapped the leather shoulder strap around his fist and gripped it tight.
"Are you fucking crazy!?! You're pregnant, Kat! You realize what that could do to our baby!?!" He grimaced.
Why didn't I just grab my purse and run? Why didn't I just take my cigarettes out of my purse and not have mentioned anything? Why didn't I just tell him no, or scream, or anything other than submitting to all his demands? Why was I suddenly asking for permission to do anything?
"Oh no, I-I wasn't thinking...I'm not used to this yet." I held back the real things I wanted to say. Like, "since when do you suddenly care about the baby?" Or, "Don't you dare speak to me like that ever again!" Or even asking, "Why Is this even happening?" He hadn't even said a word about it til now, and  I wasn't sure he even wanted a baby after his strange reaction inside and outside of the hospital. And, for the first time ever, I was actually scared of my own husband. How was that going to work out with a new baby around? The thought of raising a baby with Max acting this way made my heart drop into my belly. My head was spinning  with all kinds of confusion, and I was absolutely stunned with disbelief.
What should I do? I thought about what we tell victims at the shelter to do when outburst like this begins with a partner. Letting a family member or trusted friend know about a sudden change in a spouse's behavior is always a good start. I didn't have much of either. My parents didn't live close, and we really didn't have much of a relationship anymore. I didn't want to stress them or call them and tell about Max when I rarely called them at all. And I had very few friends outside of work, so that didn't leave anyone I could just call and talk to about any of this. Maybe it was just this new news. Maybe it won't happen again. My thoughts screeched to a hault. The realization that I was exactly in the same position so many of the victims at the shelter had been in....the beginning stages...the red flags, and the big warning signs. The denial. The victim's "mindset".
The whole damn deal.
I could not let anyone know about any of this. I couldn't take a hit like that in my career. I didn't want people at my work to know anything bad about my life. I was a model employee. And Max, well Max won the hearts of my coworkers every time they saw him. He really was charismatic. I don't think anyone would believe me if I told them, anyway. He just "didn't fit the profile of the typical abuser." And then I remembered, there is no "typical abuser." There are all types of people who abuse. There really is no typical stereotype. And I've seen it all first hand. Rich, poor, criminals, or upstanding citizens...It could happen to anyone. I had to wait and see how things would progress. Because this was just not like him. A little voice from my heart cried out "he's not going to change. This will get worse if you allow it". And my brain snuffed it out immediately, and told me everything would be ok and to just keep it all quiet.
A tear fell once more from my cheek, and I turned and walked expressionless into the hospital. I looked out the window that I had hoped someone had been looking through. I really hoped someone was there and had seen the whole thing. But when I arrived in the lobby, it was vacant, just as it had been outside. I let out a sigh, and Max's mother drove up shortly. I watched as Max smiled and climbed into her SUV, and I watched as they drove away. I had never been more upset in all my life. I felt so alone. I walked outside, stonefaced and confused. I stood there quietly in the dusty wind, and refused to let myself shed another tear.