Final Chapter

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I move towards the car, keys in hand – mentally apologizing Benito and  Pastery for taking their car for so long. It's hard to imagine that they're comfortable walking through the park right now, probably hand in hand. It's hard to imagine anyone happy right now when I'm in this state of gay mind. Someone's probably out there smiling and saying this is the best day of their life while I'm here wondering why everything decided to happen today. Someone's probably out there having their first kiss – and I'm here. Other people won't remember this day like I'll remember today. Where did I fuck everything up to this point? What led me to this complete instinctual state I'm going through? The only thought that is in bold in my mind is what if this goes wrong? What if? What if? Those fucking 'what if's are what get you. xP

The keys turn to water in my hand. "UGH, FUCK. FUCK. Fuck. No. Yes! No. Click the fucking thing!" I scream at the set of directional buttons just trying to get the vehicle to click click and show me it's okay with me leaping into its insides and taking control of it like a crazy Earth dictator without the funny facial hair. FINALLY, THE VEHICLE COMPLIES AND DOES THE CLICK CLICK. The front door nearly rips out from the force I open it with. Matt and I's house is just under half an hour away, and if I speed up the vehicle's pace I could manage to get there in less than five. I must be making a shit ton of frustrated noises now, everyone must be wondering what the hell this freak is doing in the car. If only they knew what the hell I've been through in the past few weeks. I hope their week hasn't been as crappy as mine. Actually, hold that thought, i wish their week is crappy because fuck you. :)

I pass the string of bad quality material over myself and clip it into the side metal pocket for safety before starting up the car. Music blasts out of the vehicle's music-holes and I damn near squawked from the heavy amount of french sounding shit that came out before changing it to another station. It was Death Grips, hell yeah.

Then I slammed into the thought.

I'm going to see Matt.

And it's not just that I'm going to see Matt – I'm going to talk to him. I'm going to HAVE to talk to him. I'm going to have an interaction with him where I don't ignore him. SHIT. NO. I don't want to; I have to. I don't need to. Ever. Again; I really really do. I need him: I don't. I don't need him; I do. Black eyes and rainbow hair – fuck, I can't even describe him properly. Is that how long I haven't seen him for? Where my nerves switch to deterioration whenever I think about seeing him again?

What he did to me. The whole past weeks of pain and doubts and unbearable thoughts stab into me. Was the worst shit I've ever had to go through.

That morning started out so peacefully. Waffles and mountain dew blood with a side dose of uncontrollable anxiety and paranoic self-questioning. Dora racing around the house, and me having to find out nearly 3 weeks later it was just because she'd ACTUALLY fallen asleep in our house, then having to run out after finding out she's late to work. Child labour xD. Being out of breath and running so far I reach the café. Seeing someone pinning down someone else and a broken window and my old phone is broken in turn. Glass cuts. Police sirens. My cries and a friend.

The tears that were a part of me back then become a part of me again now. I don't even have time to notice my throat is clenching before the hydrogen and oxygen compound is flooding my vision. Here I was forgiving him. I'm such a fuckin pushover lol xD.

The small street with the humble houses that had just been built. The classy, traditional earth houses that look like they've all been cloned and made the same. All with two floors and a basement. All with a small terrace and garden at the back. All with different interiors that you can't see because the curtains are always down on each other. The only thing you know about the neighbors are that they like to say hello to one another. No one talks about the big things in their lives. No one talks about how there's that one house on the road that lost their shit altogether. That one guy who refuses to come back.

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