Selfish Souls (Phan)

Bent and Broken : 16

Warning: extremely cute fluff ahead

Phil's POV:

My mum's thrilled to have Dan stay over. Of course I don't tell her why he's suddenly staying over. "Oh, Dan! Hello, it's so nice to see you again!" My mum says as she happily greets us at the door. "The same to you Mrs Lester," he says politely and I find it hard that this is the same person who had a knife pressed against someone's throat thirty minutes ago.

We talk for a few minutes making up a bogus story for why he's here. I study him the entire time and to my surprise he's seems okay. Almost too okay, like the kind of okay where they are probably not okay because they're so calm. Dan smiles and laughs with my mother and it scares me. Not because he almost killed someone but because he seems perfectly fine about that fact and I know there's no way that's the truth. I would be less worried if he was broken down in tears right now; but he's not.

My mum finally let's us go up to my room, saying she'll bring up snacks later, despite my assurance that we don't need any. We walk up the stairs, me keeping a grip on Dan's arm the entire time still expecting him to crack. He sits on my bed when we reach my room and doesn't say anything for a few seconds. I stand at my closed door waiting for something to happen.

Then he starts laughing and it sends a chill through my body so deep I feel it in my bones. "Scared of me yet? The offer to back out is still there," he says through his laugher. "I'm not scared of you, I'm scared for you," I say and somewhere in between that sentence his laughter turned to tears.

I walk up and sit beside him in bed. "You shouldn't care about me, you're only going to get hurt. I don't want to drag you down with me," he says terror filling his eyes. "I shouldn't, but I do. And there's nothing that can change that now. You don't have to be alone," I say.

"Yes I do, everything I touch gets ruined. My friends, my parents. I feel like I'm falling apart only to be reminded that there's nothing left of me to break," he says weakly before collapsing into my chest and I let him. I let him lean on me, I bare his burdens with him, I share his unknown suffering, I take on whatever baggage he carries with him and through it all I don't question the reason these things exist. Because I trust his judgement, and I trust him. And because I'm falling in love with the broken boy I hold in my arms tonight.

:::

I eventually coax Dan into laying down on my bed. He says he's not tired and I tell him he doesn't have to sleep. He allows me to leave the room only after repeatedly promising to come right back. I walk down stairs to grab him some water and medicine for the headache he'll have, along with an extra blanket and some snacks.

My mum stares sadly at me as I gather my supplies. "Why does he hurt so much? And why does he always come to you?" She asks, she's says it without malice. "Because he's lived a hurtful life and I guess I'm the first come along and tell him that's not the only option," I say.

I walk back upstairs and find Dan in the same position as I left him, staring at the door, waiting. "Sit up for a sec," I say, he does as told. I give him the glass and medicine. I set the water on my nightstand before wrapping the blanket around his shoulders. "I was thinking we could watch another movie, so you don't have to dream," I say. He nods gratefully.

I give him the snacks before grabbing my laptop and pulling up Netflix. When I sit down he wraps the blanket on my shoulders too, so we share it. Dan agrees to the first movie I pick out and I turn off the lights.

He wraps his arms around me and leans his head on my chest as we watch the movie. I keep an arms around him, holding him tight. The movie goes on, I picked comedy and a trace of a smile shows on Dan's face every once in awhile which I'm grateful for. When it ends I look over to Dan and see him sleeping peacefully on my side. I do my best to put very thing aside without waking him.

He stirs when I try sliding us down so we're actually laying down. He looks up innocently, tear stains still on his cheeks. "Shh, go back to sleep. I've got you," I say gently, kissing the top of his head. He closes his eyes, smiling slightly. I sigh, holding him tighter. What are you doing to me Howell?

:::

Warning: (for real this time) Triggering content; please take caution when continuing to read.

Dan's POV:

It's cold and dark in the room I stand in. Lonely and murderous and I'm used to it. It's slowly filling with water and I struggle to breathe as it reaches the top of the concrete room.

Drowning.
Under the thoughts
Under the words
Under the doubts
Struggling to breathe
I don't want to die but it feels like I am
Like I'm being crushed by the weight on my shoulders
The thoughts in my head
The blood on my hands
The bones beneath my feet

Like I'm being strangled by the voices in the back of my head.

You idiot;
They'll never care;
Why do you bother?
They probably just feel sorry for you.
Can't you do anything right?
You think your so interesting, really? Then why does no one seems to care?
Are you seriously feeling bad for yourself? Please.
It's not like your worth it, you never were.

Until there's no oxygen left in my lungs and as I float to the bottom, eyes empty and dead, I know no one will miss me. Nor will they remember the words that caused my death.