Selfish Souls (Phan)

Hits That Much Harder : 8

Warning: depressing topics and subjects near the end of the chapter.

Phil and I spend the thirty minutes before dinners ready upstairs. I try to do homework whereas Phil's more occupied with checking the bandages and seeing if they fell off or not. I try to fill out the worksheet, but Phil keeps trying to turn me around so he can see my back; eventually, I give up and let him do whatever he wants.

Catherine calls us down, saying it ready. We both walk to the dining room. Phil's father is there now he must have come home while we were upstairs. "Robert, this is Daniel. He's one of Phil friends," his mum says as she takes a seat beside her husband. His dad looks at my shirt, I wonder why before remembering that I'm wearing Phil's shirt. This is weird.

Tabitha and James skip in through the living room,  still arguing. "He's still here?" Tabitha asks. I laugh as her mum sends a harsh look. She shrugs, sitting down. I take a seat next to Phil awkwardly. "What happened to your face, Daniel?" Is the first thing his dad says to me. Phil laughs, and I elbow him shooting him a glare, but that doesn't stop him. "I, uh, ran into a door at school," I say stupidly. "A door did that," he says before taking a bite of his food. "It was a heavy door I guess," I say only making Phil laugh harder. "Oh shut up," I say pushing him. He sticks his tongue out at me, and I roll my eyes. James smiles at the exchange.

"Daniel goes to Phil's school," his mum says trying to start a conversation. "Phil's failing," Tabitha teases. Now it's my turn to laugh. "No, I'm not, you're the one with two C's," he says. "Yeah and you have a D," she counts. I laugh harder at the innuendo.

"You're mean Dan," Phil say, crossing his arms. "Hey, you're the one who brought me over. Shouldn't let me have dinner with your family if you don't want all your life secrets to be exposed," I say smirking. "It's not my fault," he says, "just don't listen to anything they say." "Well, that would be very polite now would it?" I say, raising an eyebrow.

His mum laughs at  our bickering while his father justs smiles. I guess that's a good thing. The rest of dinner goes smoothly aside from snide comment James and Tabitha. The food's good, and I thank Catherine for it when we're done.

"Stop being so polite, you're making me look bad," Phil says as we go back upstairs. "Well maybe you should act better, and you wouldn't have to worry about it," I say as we reach his room. "Ugh," he sighs.

I grab my stuff off his bed, carelessly throwing it into my bag. "I'll give you your shirt back tomorrow," I say. "It's fine; I never wear it anyway," he says. But the how worn it is, suggests otherwise. We walk down stairs, and I stand at the front door trying to express somehow how gratefully I am.  "Thank you, for everything," I say, not good enough, "No one else would have done what you have for me, and I just want you to know that that means the world to me." "Anytime," he says smiling genuinely at me. "See you tomorrow," I say, walking out. "See you later," he says waving. It was so nice to spend time at his house, so amazing to see a group of people who love each other but when I get home, the emptiness that frequently slams into me only hits that much harder.

:::

I stare up at the ceiling, not wanting to go to school and there's no one here to tell me to.

What's the point anyways? What's the point of any of this? I spend my entire life trying to not hurt anyone else, and this is what I get, a bruised body and broken mind. If I were worth anything my parents wouldn't have left, and my friends would care if I got beat up, but no one cares, and everyone leaves.

I could just give up, but that would have a point either. A meaningless drop in the ocean of death that surrounds us. I want something to mean anything, but I'm surrounded but nothingness. What good would it do, I could scream, but no one would hear me, I could cry, but no one would see me. So I scream and cry angry at the world for not caring and myself for not making them.

If I say nothing, They have nothing to use against me.
If I show nothing, They have nothing to judge me for.
If I am surrounded by nothing, They are nowhere to be seen.
If I feel nothing, They can't hurt me.
I'm better off alone
I can feel it
But I wish I didn't