All or Nothing (Faberry)

5. At last

Quinn's POV

Pain. How do I even describe pain? Is it when you don't get to love the person you want to love, when the person you love leaves or when the person you love doesn't love you back? I have no idea. Some say pain is when you don't have people in your life.. no family, no friends.. My definiton of pain is hate.

Ever since I told Rachel how I really feel, well yes, she didn't hear me.. But still, I've been looking at her differently, just like she has with me. We don't talk as much, It's like I just live here, it's like we don't have a friendship or some kind of connection at all. It's the usual "good morning", "I'm going out" or "see you later". Rachel goes to work and I stay in or go around the town shopping alone. Even though this trip wasn't what I expected, I still like it. I still like it because I'm closer to her than I was before, I can reach out to her if I want to.. But I'll wait, i'll wait until the time is right. She'll notice when.

"Hey" I said when Rachel walked in.

"Hi, Quinn" she said and hurried into the bedroom.

"Why are you so stressed?"

"I'm meeting Kurt in like 20 minutes, you know how it is with the traffic in the city and he'll eat me alive if I'm late"

She's meeting Kurt.. And she didn't ask me to go with. I mean, I am a guest and she keeps leaving me alone all the time.

"What are you going to do?" I asked while she quickly put her bags on the bed and changed outfit like 3 times.

"We're going for a movie and dinner, or something" she said and walked out to the living room "I guess.. you can come with us. If you want to" she finally said, but I noticed she actually didn't mean it.

"No. I'll stay here, I wouldn't want to bother you"

Without even insisting or saying anything, she gave me a quick look, opened the door and just stood there and stared at me for a while and walked out. I locked the door and sat down by the kitchen table. She wasn't like this, just one week ago she was the one who always dragged me out, I don't know what changed.

I'm thinking about going back home sometimes, even though I love being close to her like this, like old times. I can just book a ticket and I'll be on my way.. But I can't, not now.

I took out my journal that I keep to pass time, to write down thoughts I can't share with people and rant about stuff I can't say out loud and walked over to the living room couch. I opened the first page and started writing.

Day 236, September 21st, 2012.

In New York, people aren't as kind as they are in Ohio, it's a stressful city. They don't have time. How do I compare a small town with this?

However, I told Rachel. I told her how I feel, but I told her in the wrong way. She was asleep. I've got a weird feeling ever since, she's been ignoring me and I'm not on her mind. Is it possible that she heard me? I don't think so. I hope not.

There's so much more she doesn't know, so much poor Rachel would be shocked to hear. She would probably never talk to me.. Not that it has anything to do with her, but still. I don't understand, why did I fall in love with her? With Rachel, out of all people? She is the first person who's made me feel like this. I've had boyfriends, none of them has ever brought feelings like this to life. She's something special. 

I put the journal down on the living room table and closed my eyes, took a deep breath and walked towards my bag. I took them out and swallowed two right away with a bottle of water. I know I said I would stop, but getting rejected by the person I love brings too much I don't want to remember back.