All or Nothing (Faberry)

9. Rachel

Quinn's POV

I had no idea what to do now. Was it worth it, you know, to even try to convince Rachel. Try to change her mind. Was it worth it? I don't know.  She stared at me and it made me nervous. She stood there before my face waiting for a reaction or waiting for something to happen. Maybe she was waiting for me to move, maybe go pack my bags and leave her little apartment. I couldn't do that. Why would I do that? Why can't she just let me stay. Is it because I lied to her? Or maybe because she started notice how fucked up I am. How one second I'm happy and the other I just don't want anyone to come near me. Not even Rachel.

I looked at Rachel's furrowed face and begged God in my mind to please calm her down. Please, let her understand that she's all I got. Everything else is useless, it's stupid.. It's boring. Rachel didn't say a word yet. I looked at her face and I couldn't bare the thought of losing her. It made me sick to my stomach and I just didn't know what move to make next.

"Quinn, do you understand? You need to go" she finally said.

She was serious. I felt my heart gather all emotions I had just to explode and take it all out on the one person who actually manages to make me smile. 

"I don't understand if you can hear me, Quinn" she said and waved her hand right in front of my eyes like I was some stupid child "But you need to leave. Now" 

I grabbed her arm and squeezed her wrist with my hand. She let out a silent squeal, I guess it hurt her. 

"I'm not stupid" I said.

"What are you doing? You're hurting me" she said and her cheeks started turning red. I don't know if it was out of embarrasment or pain.

"How dare you, Rachel?"

"How dare I what?" she asked with confusion in her little brown eyes.

"You're acting like a child. Kicking me out of here won't make everything good again. I need you. I need us" 

She just stared at me again and dragged herself of me holding on to her arm. Honestly, it seemed like the only way to convince Rachel was to be manipulative. 

"You lied to me. I can't deal with you lying to me just when I finally opened up and actually talked to you about how I felt. Do you know how it feels to be compared with other people by the person you're in love with?"

Rachel. You said it. Please, say it again.

"What did you say?" I asked.

"You heard me. I said I don't like being compared with others.." 

"And after that?" 

She looked up at me now. She understood. And she understood that she accidentally finally told me she's in love with me. I could never leave now, even if she threatned me with a knife or a gun or whatever, I would stay. 

"I-I said.. It's worst when it's someone you love" she said and this time her cheeks were red because she was blushing.

I couldn't help but smiling. 

"You said you're in love with me, Rachel" I said and smiled at her.

"I did not" she protested.

"But you did.." I said and pulled her closer with my hands on her waist "You did and you can't take it back" I whispered into her ear.

"You still-still have to go" she said with a stutter that made her even more adorable.

"Do you really want me to go?" I asked and looked into her eyes. I didn't stop. I kept looking until she gave me an answer. And funny part is, she wasn't strong enough to look away.

"I don't.. But it doesn't change anything"

I lowered my face and kissed her. Warm shivers spread all over my body and my hands got warm, warmer than they were before. What surprised me the most was that despite her words from before, she didn't pull away from my sudden kiss. She kept her lips intertwined with mine and threw her hands around my neck. 

"I'm sorry.. I'm so, so sorry" I said as I with all strenght and energy in my body, pulled away "Don't leave me alone, let's just talk about it. Okay?" I said and took the strand of her hair that was blocking her right eye a little bit and put it behind her ear.

"Okay" she said and looked into my eyes and I swear to God I felt the biggest swell of emotions, I would like to say happiness, but I wasn't sure, being sent to my chest. 

I went to the kitchen to make her tea, I knew the one thing that could calm Rachel down was tea. Well, I could calm her down too but I could also make her go crazy so what was the use to even try to make something else right now. 

"Quinn, will you come in here?" I heard Rachel.

"I'm making tea for you" I said.

"Forget it, just come in here" 

I would lie if I said it didn't make me nervous but I did as I was told and made my way to the bedroom. I walked in and Rachel was sitting on the bed with my journal on her knees. She looked nor happy or sad so I didn't really know what to expect. All I noticed was the way her face lit up when I smiled at her.

"Would you..-"

"Yes" I said and sat down next to her.

Rachel didn't have to tell me what she wanted. I knew exactly just the moment she opened her lips. She wanted me to read to her from the journal. Honestly, I didn't want to. Some of the things in there were really cheesy and other things were just really mean so I made sure I chose one of the good pages. I picked out a chapter, or what would you call it, a part? I don't really know.

"18th December, 2010" I read out loud and looked up to make sure she was looking at me too "Christmas is coming up. I don't understand what everyone is so giddy about.. My christmas is going to be nothing but miserable. I wish I could spend it with her, yes, her. Rachel. I don't care anymore. I like her. And I really just want to give her presents and spend the whole day with her. No matter how much she could annoy me sometimes, she could really be unbearable.. But somehow I still found her so adorable, brave and amazing" I said and let out a loud sigh, I was honestly kind of embarrassed. 

"Quinn.. Did you really, really feel like that about me then too? I always thought you hated me"

"Like I told you before, I've always loved you.. And no, you didn't think I hated you, Rachel. I think that deep inside you knew" 

Rachel didn't respond. She took the journal off my hands and placed it on the nightstand. She took my hands and looked into my eyes. I felt my whole body starting to feel warm and I got into this sudden, very cuddly mood. I just wanted to hug her. Was that wrong? Would it be weird? I opened my arms and wrapped them around her. Being that close to her made me let out a smile with my head resting on her shoulder as her head rested on mine. I brushed my hand through her hair and now placed my hand at the back of her head. 

"I love you"

"And I love you" I said.