Killing Tink

Ch. 3

The time went by slowly and painfully, with no sign of Stash for as long as she could remember.

She panicked the first time it had happened, but that was so long ago. Now she just waited, keeping her mind occupied on the baby. On things that mattered. On getting away and making herself a better person. That's what a baby needed. A mom that took care of it, one that was sweet and kind and didn't dream of killing someone.

She wondered what she would do if he never came back, but it was almost impossible to envision. He always came back. Just when she got used to the silence and the hunger was so severe she no longer felt it, he would show up. He'd be loud and fill the room with sounds and smells and the wave of heightened anger that always lay beneath the surface of that toothy smile.

When she could no longer stand the hunger, she rocked. Her bones ached and her breath came and went each one feeling dry and hot and slow like it would last forever. Her heart pounded quickly like she'd spent time running in place and her muscles agreed. Everything hurt. She lifted her hands and picked invisible grapes off a beautiful swirling vine and lifted them to her lips. It was a strange feeling, the memory of grapes. The way they burst wide open on your tongue and exploded in mouthwatering juice.  Somewhere deep inside she told herself it wasn't real, and scolded herself to stop the madness and conserve her energy, but each time she blinked she was reaching back toward the wall for just one more.

Tink's lips were cracked and bleeding and the insanity of opening and closing her mouth for reasons she couldn't explain kept making it worse. Finally, sick of the wood from the chair digging into her back she forced herself to move. Her brain had it all planned out but her legs refused to listen. Instead of getting back to the stained mattress where she could at least lay down she slumped from the rocker onto the dirty wood floor.  She cursed at herself for being weak, ashamed of the way her loud breathing filled up the room again squeezing out any space for new air.  

As she lay there in the blackness she remembered being afraid. She wasn't anymore. Her pain was going away, and her breathing getting slower. It was all going to work out.  All she wanted to do was sleep and the floor was probably just as comfortable and maybe even cleaner than the bed. It was a good place to be, and she wondered why she'd never thought of laying there before. She thought about the lightbulb hanging above her. It had burnt out a while ago, but it was still good. Still there, even when she couldn't see it, like her.  Invisible things still existed and if she had some light she knew she'd see it there.  

Tink didn't move when she heard the hum of a car from outside the room, or when the sound of boots thumped down the stairs. She didn't flinch or even try to crawl into the expected corner chair. With her body numb and her energy gone, Tink she just closed her eyes and tried to find her memories of the ocean.

A blast of cold, clean air scraped across her skin as Stash opened the door. Despite knowing it happened, she didn't shiver, her body no longer cared about cold.

"Well, shit, Tink. You look like hell. What did I say about taking care of yourself?  You look worse than you did before. Is that to spite me?"

She felt his boot kick her in the chest, sturdy and sharp. She assumed it hurt, and that she moved, but she didn't really know if she did or not. She stayed in the floaty place.

"Let's get you showered. And maybe some food. Nobody can say I don't take care of my girl."

He picked her up harshly. Her bones clinking together as he hoisted her onto his broad shoulders and up the steps. She could hear the crunch of his boots and feel the whoosh of the cold night air as it hit her lungs.

Without giving her clothing, or a blanket, he threw her in the back of the car and drove into the night.

Tink wanted to open her eyes and see the outside. She wanted to know if the memories of stars spattered across the sky were real, but even if she could have opened them she knew she wouldn't have the energy to lift her head and look around. Part of her wanted to fight the floaty place and make her body listen until Stash's voice made her realize how much she wanted to stay there.

"I could just dump you. You know that right?  As bad as you let yourself get I probably should. People passing by will think you're a whore. I should leave you out by the trash bins and let your body feed the rats. Maybe then the garbage men will scrape you up. But I'm not gonna do that Tink. Why would you even think I'm serious?  Would I spend my money buying you food and gifts just to throw you away?"

Jade thought about being tickled by rats and being away from Stash until the sleep took her to a soft place. When she woke back up sometime later it was in a fit of coughing with someone shoving a spoon of broth down her throat. Her hair was damp, and combed, and she was wearing a nightgown with Sesame Street characters all over it.

Stash laughed as she struggled to find the energy to cough and get a breath at the same time.

"There she is!  Hiya Tink. You had me for a second. Thought you croaked on me. You wouldn't do that would ya?  You wouldn't leave me here alone. We're a team you and me. It's you and me versus the world remember?  You're the fairy with the magic dust that makes me fly. Isn't that right Tink?"

Another spoon of warm broth was shoveled deep into her mouth causing her head to jerk backward. His hand grabbed her hair and pulled her forward too far causing her to slouch forward. She tried her best to swallow and avoid taking another deep breath full of soup.  Struggling to find the back of the chair she felt herself sway to the side.

"Sit up damn it. You think I want soup all over my fucking shoes?  I'm the only one keeping you alive Tink. Remember that!  Don't you dare be an ungrateful bitch. I will put you down like a dog."

She thought of giraffes. Slow and steady right after birth. And the baby!  She needed to stay alive for the baby. Nothing else really mattered, did it?  She grabbed the vision of the baby curled and waiting and fought to make herself wake.

She willed herself to swallow the broth until her stomach gurgled and a cramp waved through her body causing everything she had swallowed to eject itself and flow back out onto her lap.

Stash released a string of curse words, as he dumped the soup down on her, and she could hear the ting of the pan across her face and scalp. But she didn't mind. She didn't feel anything. She had found her happy place, it was warm and floaty and perfect.

##################