Killing Tink

Ch. 30

John scrubbed himself in the shower using the pumice stone until his skin was red and sore. When he was finished with the scrubbing he turned the water to a temperature so hot he had to fight against his body's impulse to jump out.

His feet stung from the bleach left over in the bottom of the tub and he wondered if he'd cleaned it enough after Alice. He loved her, but the filth that filled the tub when he soaked her now haunted him. Was it clinging to his skin and wiggling within his pores? 

The obsession with cleaning and order was getting worse and he knew it was a textbook symptomatic response. His life was in chaos - a caveat of things he both wanted and didn't want and it would drive him to dark places if he didn't get some order.

When the water didn't burn anymore he turned it off. Cold wouldn't help him- it was a Petri dish of bacteria and he'd have to start his whole cleansing process over. Tonight he didn't have time or the energy for that. So much to do. In the silence of the steamy bathroom he made resolutions. Alice would have to go. His original plan was right. She was a toxin. An obsession that he couldn't allow himself to feed if he wanted things to work.

She would bring nothing to him but anger and lust and that would take away from Hope and cause a wedge between himself and his wife. That would be bad for Sophie. She had enough pain and sorrow. She didn't need to worry about her parents having trouble.

He dried himself with the rough side of the towel happy to have made a decision. Things would be easier without Alice. Much easier without Hope too, but she was going to be his success story. The redemption of his past, the win of his future and the world would be right again.

Using the same towel he dried himself with he swiped the mirror up and down cleaning away the steam and bringing his own blurry form into focus. He was capable. Weak, but that was something he could work on. Everyone had demons to slay, it was human nature.

Picking up a latex glove from the counter he struggled to get it on his damp skin before carrying the baggie full of clothes to the kitchen where he deposited them in his briefcase. A busy hospital with hundreds of pounds of trash was always a safe place to discard things. Patients were filthy and no one ever bothered to open up bags for viewing before putting them in the incinerator or the bins outside for pick up.

The silence put him on edge and he looked toward the small black and white monitor. Hope lay half on- half off the cot sleeping peacefully. He knew he probably shouldn't have drugged her food, Alice had become distrusting and volatile about eating when she'd figured it out but he really needed a few days to get things in order and as much as he wanted to start working with her, priorities must be maintained.

Alice had to be taken care of and his family needed a day or two to adjust to having someone new. It was only fair. This time he wouldn't be so obsessive. He would give them attention first, always. Perhaps the resentment they'd felt toward Alice wouldn't happen if they saw her as his lowest priority. It could work if he could just keep himself in order. Not get carried away no matter how badly he wanted to.

He crossed to the calendar enjoying the feeling of the the cool night air brush against his skin. He opened the drawer below it and rifled through its scattered contents until he found Sophie's reward stickers. Picking out a gold star he put it on the square on the calendar marking the day. Day one for Hope.

As he watched her sleep on the tiny screen that used to be a baby monitor he felt comforted. She was going to be good for him- and he would be good for her. A fresh start was just what he needed. The possibility of it was enough to make him feel a spark of happiness and he made himself a sandwich. Peanut butter and jelly. Hope had eaten hers, the plate sat empty and he was pleased. She'd be the one, his gut instinct knew it from the moment he got the call. So many girls never got there, to the place of being whole, understanding love and what it truly meant to live for someone else. When they had done enough work he would even give her a baby. They'd be happy, and she'd understand how families work and what it means to be loyal. He had no doubt she could find safety and happiness, and he would be the driving force.

He chewed slowly to the tune of her breathing, syncing himself to her...connecting.  As he washed his dishes and put them away he looked at the gold star- it was a promise of good things to come. He walked through the living room making sure to not look toward the couch. He was in charge, Alice would not tempt him tonight. Tomorrow he would take care of her, but tonight he had some mending to do.

It was time to tell his wife that he was sorry, and admit that he was wrong and she was right. Alice couldn't be tamed, as much as he had believed it, hoped for it, needed to make it happen, it wasn't possible. Some people just broke beyond the place of ever coming back.

He took a clean pair of scrubs out of the linen closet and put them on resenting the feel of the cold stiff cloth against his skin. Next he reached for a coated hospital protective suit and put it on too.  Calina would be angry and the room too cold.  His head throbbed and his chest constricted. It was so much. Too much sometimes.

He felt the heaviness and pressure of guilt and responsibility like a thousand pound weight.  He told himself to zip the suit. Face it like a man and pay his dues but his fingers refused to follow orders. Numbly they stayed in place at his side rebellious and unmoving.

From deep down he felt anger bubbling. Calina could have done more. She could have stopped him at any time with a single word or loving touch. But as always, she chose to cower behind his decisions and gloat when they blew up in his face. He had given her plenty of opportunity to speak, to act. His thoughts tried to take him to the night she had found her inner dragon, the moment she surprised even him, screaming and clawing and grabbing her keys and Sophie while he... no, he wouldn't go there. Not tonight when things were finally changing for the better.

He tore off the suit and threw it haphazardly back in the stack.  He was in charge. He didn't need forgiveness or understanding or even redemption. This could have all been avoided.

He took off the scrubs and grabbed a blanket. Tonight he didn't have to deal with any of it. Alice was taken care of, he'd done that. He stopped the destruction and made things better. Calina was happy, Alice was finally submissive and Sophie would get along with Hope, who was finally here and away from all the nosy people trying to get her away from him. Grabbing a blanket he boldly marched himself to the one place he was sure he'd feel at home, next to the one person who had always understood him.

#########################
John is a volcano of emotions and on the brink. He's hiding things from himself and the world and I wonder how long a crack can hold boiling liquid before it crumbles.