Killing Tink

Ch. 20

Tink woke to a buzzing sound. Loud and obnoxious it rang in her ears seeping through the bone in her skull and unsettling her brain. She felt stiff and bent and broken all at the same time.

She puffed air from her mouth and used it to blow her long greasy bangs away from her burning eyes. The hum was coming from the dim yellow tinged lights that seemed better at making sound than making actual light.

Her room window was gone. Everything here was a sickening shade of dirty yellow. The four bare walls were made of solid cinder painted either a stark white or a putrid yellow, or was hard to tell with the harsh lights.  She could make out a door to her left - on the far side of the room with a tiny window in the center. It's smeared front showing criss cross wires running beneath the glass.

Her hands and feet cramped as she tried to move them.  She rocked her body from side and doing so caused pain to shoot down her arms and up her legs meeting somewhere in the middle. Part of her mind fizzled and sparked trying to remember what had landed her here and where that happened to be--but a bigger part of her just didn't care.

A scream was building up in the back of her throat and the instinct to let it fly beat against her mind like music so loud she could feel it thumping behind her burning eyes.

She squeezed them tightly hoping for tears, big fat wet salty tears to take away the dryness that was so big it closed her throat and coated her tongue. She was tied down in a curled position and everything hurt. The scream in her throat crawled back down and took its fury of being stifled out on her stomach by building a lake of boiling acid.

She knew whatever battle she was in, she'd lost-- and it felt familiar. Trying to distract her mind from screaming muscles and cramped up bones she searched for the memory that landed her here but her thoughts went further.

When she was seven her dad had taken her to the rodeo. She remembered being so excited she could feel actual tingles as the riders got on the angry bulls and held tight to the ropes while trying to stay on. She sat next to her dad a rare outing with just him and her that made her feel special. He bought her a bucket of popcorn and a drink that came in a cup shaped like a barrel.

The people were loud and happy and she was couldn't imagine anything being more exciting,   Until the second part started. The cowboys came out one by one on horses swinging giant ropes in the air. It was so quiet you could hear the whoosh of the rope as it flew. After a few minutes of tricks and riding around the circle a small gate opened up and a lamb ran in. It looked afraid as it yelled and ran in circles trying to stay away from the horse and rider.

She remembered feeling her heart thunder in her chest as the rider threw the rope he'd been swinging and it landed around the neck of the little lamb. Then the rider gave it a mighty yank causing the running lamb to jolt backward.

Jade screamed as the lamb flew back - landing with a thud on its soft furry back while the rider jumped from the horse and wrapped the rest of the rope around a its legs leaving it struggling in curled up place on the hard dirt floor.

She remembered the sick feeling in her stomach as the cowboy bowed to the cheering crowd. He was so proud of catching that poor little lamb and making it afraid.

She wanted to leave - grabbing on to her dad's arm and yanking it as tears pooled up and blocked her vision. She said she had a stomach ache and her dad told her to slow down on the juice.

There were six more lambs. Six more cowboys, six more horses and six more painful thuds from flying ropes. Each cowboy pretending he saved the world by stopping those little lambs from finding safety. It wasn't until Jade threw up in the bucket of popcorn that her dad finally grabbed her sweating hand and pulled her toward the car. On the way to the car she saw the lambs, standing still and panting in fenced pens panting and chewing grass. She imagined they were happy they were alive but some dark place inside her wished they weren't. Knowing they'd have to live those scary moments over and over again while kids ate popcorn and people cheered.

She'd wished she could to tell them she was sorry. Sorry that people could find happiness in their fear and pain. For weeks after that Jade dreamed she was the lamb and every time she wanted to run away a giant horse showed up with a rider swinging his giant rope and keeping her tied down.

Today she really felt it. The pain of being captured and tied and unable to move. Her throat burned from not having water and her hands and feet tingled from the ties that held her down.

It's only a show. Over and over she said chanted to herself for comfort. Sooner or later the crowd would be tired and she could rest. She was just like the lamb, and it would soon be over.

She wondered what Stash was doing. If he'd found another girl to bring burgers to and beat with soup spoons before he left her to die in the woods. Was the new girl sitting in the rocker in the corner? Running her finger along the stains etched into the top of the dresser planning a life for her baby?

She wondered what Stash would do if she came back? Walking and talking and knowing exactly who she was this time.

Was she really Tink all along? Just a lamb that was part of the show and Stash was the cowboy feeling like he saved the world as she got small and helpless?

She thought about her baby-- the only real lamb in the whole show. It wasn't in a fence feeling afraid and wishing it were free. Now it was free. Somewhere out in the great big world looking for its mama.

She didn't have a window or a clock but she imagined it was nighttime. It had to be --she was so tired. The numbness in her hands and feet marched deeper down settling into her bones. It was night. No one was coming because it was night.

She closed her eyes and let the heavy feeling drag her towards sleep. In her dreams she was the lamb again. Running in a closed up circle while the cowboys lined up to take their turns saving the world by chasing her down.