Killing Tink

Ch. 8

She stared st the white square ceiling with its Florescent lights glaring. Why didn't this room have a window?  What was it like outside?  Maybe she was still underground. Maybe she would always be underground, always be a little bit of Tink.  Maybe it was destiny, or maybe what she deserved.

There was no part of Jade that could have survived three years. It wasn't possible. A deep black wave of nothing rolled over her. No panic, no fear or determination, just a sea of understanding.

In a haze things went by, people came and went and from somewhere far away she could hear muffled talking and see faces speaking above her. She could see someone come in and move her arms and legs and music, somewhere in all of that was music.

John's voice swam in and out on the waves and she knew, even far away that he was there, reaching out his hand trying to find hers. Sometimes she wished she could put hers out, in a deep black swirling sea she wanted to feel his hand, she wanted to let him pull her up and remember what it was like to breathe, but her arms were so heavy, and it seemed like so much work.

She saw blurry images of policemen and nurses and men in suits and she was glad she couldn't hear or see. The blanket of darkness became a shield keeping her from feeling and knowing and each time she could just make out shapes it slowly pulled her back under. 

Perhaps weeks or months or years were flipping by, it wouldn't make much difference now. What was six years, or even a decade when she'd lost who she was already. Three years. Those three years weren't hers. Maybe they were. 

Slowly, all the weight settled, and the waves pushed her back toward the shore, her body was numb, her mouth filled with sand and Cotton, and her mind thick and slow.

The room was quiet, and dimly lit. John sat beside her as she slowly moved her eyes trying to grasp another block of time and space gone. The beeps were silent, her wrists untied. She was in a smaller room, one with a window darkened by blinds.

"Does it open?"

John dropped the book, jumping and immediately stilling as if caught doing something wrong.

"The window?  It doesn't. But the blinds work. Would you like to see?"

She nodded. Appreciating the fact that he didn't acknowledge her, just the question.

He walked to the window and twisted a long metal rod as light shot into the room.

Her eyes burned at the brightness but she refused to shield them, instead lifting her hand to the ray that splayed across the bedding.

He didn't speak and she was grateful. Tears streamed, she didn't know or care if it was because of being unaccustomed to the light or because of finally seeing something real.

She felt him watch her, but didn't flinch, she pushed through the heaviness, stretching to put as much of her skin in the patch of light that she could fit.

"You have me medicated. I'm heavy."

A long slow breath escaped him; or maybe it didn't. Everything was delayed and thick.

"I do. Now that you're here again I'll decrease it. I'm sorry Hope, it was just surprising. I never should have brought it up like that."

She froze. His apology was unsettling. She could taste it, smell it. Sorry. I'm sorry. She had said it so many times, worked for her sorry's, planned for them, hurt for them. But this was different.  This was his, to her.  She eyed him suspiciously. What was the game?  Sorry's weren't free, to give, or to accept. 

It hung there like she knew it would. Waiting for more. Sorry's were the sulfur on the head of the match, igniting the flame, creeping and dancing until they made you cover them or run.

"I didn't know. It's a long time."

He waited for more but what more could there be. She studied the light on her skin and soaked in the silence.

"About the restraints.  Are you going to be alright without them?"

She rolled away from him and covered herself with the blanket.  She wondered if it mattered, if she answered or not. At this point she was nameless and just a number on the door to everyone but him.

"Jade is dead. There's no reason to tie me down."

She could hear him talking as she drifted back into the fog. 

#########