Show Me Your Eyes

Chapter 7

Lydia blamed herself after her father left.

She wasn't enough. Her mom wasn't enough. Nothing was enough. So, he left. Just like that. Like she was nothing. Like she didn't even matter. Maybe she didn't.

He used to buy her Nutella and he used to watch 'Disney Channel' with her.  She liked when he would make her a bowl of bananas with Nutella. They'd eat it together without Natalie knowing, because Natalie rarely let Lydia have sugar. He told her her mom can't say anything against it, because bananas are fruit and they're healthy, and that was the trick. He used to not cheat on her mom and he used to buy Lydia things because he loved her, not because he wanted her to love him again. He ruined her family and she couldn't do anything about it. It was her fault; she didn't stop him.

Lydia blamed herself after her father left.

She knew she would always do it. Think about the possibilities of mistakes she's made to make him leave like that or wonder what could have she done to stop him. Think if she herself was the mistake... Think of everything that could have happened if he was with her. Just think.

Lydia, when she was ten, seeing suitcases in her parents' bedroom and asking them if they were leaving her alone because she invited Mandy White to a sleepover without them knowing.

Lydia, at eleven, hearing her friends complain about their dad's not getting them the right lip gloss. And then laughing with them, because they couldn't know she didn't have a dad to buy her one.

Lydia, thirteen, seeing the posters for the first father-daughter dance in her school and smiling, because it would have been the first real dance she'd have attended. But she had no one to take.

Lydia as a fifteen year old, having her very first real crush on a boy whose smile she could never resist. Lydia as a fifteen year old, being asked on a date for the first time in her life and her mom always smiled but she missed it. She missed someone telling that boy she liked to take care of her. She missed someone narrowing their eyes at that boy, but winking at her because she knows he's trying to scare him. But there was only her mother's smile.

Lydia with seventeen, crying herself to sleep because of her broken heart. And the boy who broke it would just move on like she's glass, it didn't matter if she was broken or not. Not to anyone, not to him, not to her dad.

Lydia, losing an important person in her life, if not the most important and not being able to say anything for months, not being so able to sleep or breathe. Her person was gone, and nobody could ever heal her. It made her wonder if there was a reason to continue, to try. All she could do was cry pointless tears that bring back nothing. Pointless tears that made it worse. But maybe her dad's forehead kiss would have made her tears vanish.

Lydia, graduating high school, being held high by her teachers because she was the best in their class. She still had the picture with diploma, her smile prettier than tulips. If only that smile was real. She would never forget her mom's face, proud and happy, and her mom's hug, warm and loving. If only her dad's eyes shined with proudness and he kissed her on the cheek. But he wasn't even there. He never came. That night, she cried.

Lydia, done with law school, top of her year. Her friends' laughter filled the room and she had the best cakes made. Everyone was congratulating her, because she had accomplished something so big and they knew she could make it. He didn't know. And not even joy around her and the best cakes she'd ever eaten, or her friends' laughs or the fact she acknowledged her intelligence weren't worth it, because there was no one to impress. He should've been there.

Lydia, twenty six, still thinking she'd done something wrong. Just... why wasn't it ever enough? All she did, was for her dad to come and see how far she made it without him. But he never did. She was not enough.