Show Me Your Eyes

Chapter 8

you can hate me after you've read the chapter

—

Sometimes, Lydia would ask herself when did people go wrong.

When did the world become so... nefarious? Why doesn't anything feel like home anymore, not even the place she grew up in. Why is everywhere, anywhere and nowhere so dangerous? People are terrible and Lydia knew how the world works. People are void. And Lydia; she had enough cases to see how awful people can be. How can human life be so worthless to someone who takes it...? How can a life be so worthless to take it in the first place? No one's life is worthless.

When did people go wrong? That was something not even the super-smart-mathematical-genius-science-nerd Lydia Martin could give an answer to. But maybe the truth is that people have been going wrong every day. It was like an eternal process of wronging; it just never stops, because they go wrong every day.

Love. Lydia didn't even want to think of it. Where was it? Because the world sure got her wondering. It just didn't exist for Lydia. Anymore, at least...

Lydia's midnight thoughts. Thoughts that she didn't want, but thoughts that night would give her. Maybe thoughts from sunset and maybe thoughts from a person at the other side of the world. Thoughts that sometimes everyone has. Perhaps even should have. It wasn't easy to sleep, for Lydia, lately. She just couldn't. The colours of the night kept the little fraction of the fear away, and Lydia wondered why was she so scared lately. She couldn't close her eyes, without opening them not even a second later.

She just thought and thought and thought again.

Eventually, the beauty of the moon she could admire through her window would sing to her and then, Lydia's thoughts would be replaced by a melody of the moonlight. And she'd sleep, just a little.

And in the morning, Kira would call her and wish her a good morning and maybe make a joke or two. And Lydia's morning would be like cinnamon then, sweet and good.

Kira had straight black hair and one time, Lydia was playing with it and added glitter to it. It looked like night. Another time, when Kira dyed her hair in a lighter shade of blue, they helped Lydia's mom make cake for Lydia's birthday. Lydia threw flour on Kira's hair and it looked like afternoon sky in winter. If there was love in this world, it was a person and it was Kira. Kira was loved and she loved.

All of her life, Lydia wasn't fond of herself. She tried to cover it and she tried to like who she was, but with some people it just... doesn't work like that. She couldn't start loving herself by pretending she loves herself (even if she'd seen it works for most people). Nothing was enough, not when she despised every fraction of herself.

Maybe she had life every teenager wished to have, because her mom let her do whatever she wanted. Lydia realised it wasn't like that. Her mom just didn't care, that's all, she never cared nor she understood her own daughter. Lydia would stay out the whole night just to get her mom's attention, and just to feel what it's like when someone cares where she is. Lydia still remembers when she asked Natalie if it was her fault that dad left and what did Natalie say? "It's all your fault!"

So, how could Lydia ever love herself after that? She blamed herself too much to feel affection for who she was. And when she grew up, it just didn't matter anymore. Lydia knew she was beautiful and intelligent, and a lot of people would want to date her but, that meant nothing to her for Lydia would never love the person she was. She just wasn't enough.

The night was quiet, so were her thoughts.

That morning, Kira didn't call and Lydia acknowledged how empty it felt without Kira's voice in the morning. She was most likely sleeping.