amity // phan

three.

-dan-

My head was swimming. But not sinking, exactly. It was floating. Gliding. Or flying. Flying through the pink clouds, just like the ones that were at the game. My room suddenly felt a whole lot bigger. I felt a whole lot bigger. Because Phil freaking Lester told me that flowers were cool. And Phil freaking Lester took me to a football game. And Phil freaking Lester had actual freaking friends who could pull all the clouds and the moon and the sun down to the earth if they wanted to and they screamed at football games without liking football and they threw popcorn at math teachers and they wore flowers in their hair.

And they liked me. That was the strange part.

Which was funny, because my life was very stuck for a long time. The only constant being that I was stepped on by most people. And then Phil freaking Lester took one look at me, under those bleachers in the rain, and then he hit the play button on my life, just like that. And then everything was spinning out of control- in the very best way. After being on pause for so long, my life was moving so quickly quickly quickly. And I was left flying, trying to get used to the idea of not being pinned to the ground.

It was late at night. Very late. I should have been sleeping. But I was far too busy to sleep, since my head started to float up, until it was definitely not on my body anymore. Because Phil- he was tall and funny and cool, and he had a leather jacket that was scuffed-up and worn in, and his shoulders were broad and his jaw was sharp and his eyes were blue and his lips were pink-

Pause. Stop. Slow down slow down slow down slow down slow down.

I shook my head a few times. I shook out the thoughts that were making my heart claw at my chest like it had come alive. Because I'd seen him kissing girls before. I'd seen him making out with them in the backs of classrooms and outside the school and under stairwells, like it was all he ever did. So I pulled out a roll of extra-strong Do-Not-Cross tape, and I wrapped my heart up with it, so that it wouldn't be tempted to leap from my chest whenever I saw him.

Phil freaking Lester was off freaking limits.

But I already knew that it was pointless. All I had to do was think of his smile- a smile so pretty and powerful that human beings should not be allowed to possess it- and then I was a complete goner. All the ground would fall away from under my feet. And then I would start to fall off the edge of the earth. Falling falling falling all because of his stupid smile.

I put up another line of tape- this one much thicker than the first. I also stood up some big flashing signs between the two of us that read danger and keep out, but it was futile. I didn't really have any choice over liking boys instead of girls, so why would I be able to choose which boy I became obsessed with.

I closed my eyes again, staring very intently at all the danger danger danger signs inside of me, trying as hard as I could to stop thinking of him. But then my heart laughed at my brain because it knew that I would fall. I would be forever obsessed with both boys and flowers.

-

My heart ended up being right. I never did stop thinking. I thought all Friday night, and all Saturday morning, and all Saturday afternoon, until my mum knocked on my door and told me that if I didn't come for dinner right that second, she'd drag me out of my room by my feet.

My mum was a nice one- a rare adult that retained some her teenager-ish qualities, like watching scary movies and climbing apple trees. She understood, for the most part, what it was like to be confused and worried and things, and she also knew me better than I knew myself.