amity // phan

four.

-phil-

The cotton candy clouds were swirling down from the evening sky and sweeping me off my feet. They tugged me up up up until my head was way above the water and the pier below me. I was floating around in the marmalade skies, held up only by the knot of balloons in my chest, woven around my heart.

Pop.

Dan wasn't there.

Pop.

He wasn't going to come.

Pop.

He hated me.

Pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop.

My feet crashed back onto the ground. Where the balloons used to be, now there were only strings tied to nothing.

I craned my neck around, searching for the fairy tale boy. He wasn't there. I'd been waiting on that stupid pier for an hour and a half already, and he never showed up. But I couldn't blame him. I couldn't even pretend to be upset with him. Because if I was Dan, I'd run and run and run away until my legs turned into dust.

"Fuck," I said loudly. I threw a pebble as hard as I could into the water.

He'd probably run forever. Because I pushed him until he- until we both- snapped. I laid back on the dock, my legs dangling over the edge.

I considered leaving that pier a hundred times. A million times. A billion billion billion times. But my feet weren't moving and I couldn't make them. It was stupid. I knew that. He wasn't going to show up. I'd never see those stupid fairy tale eyes again. I'd never see those stupid pink cheeks again. I'd never see those stupid dimples- the ones that drove me fucking wild- ever again.

I should have just left.

I closed my eyes, leaving my arms splayed out up above my head. He really wasn't coming. He really wasn't.

So what?

What did I care if he didn't show? I had other people that I cared about. I had friends and I had my dad and who the hell cared if one little boy didn't show up to hear my apology.

But none of them were really the same as him.

None of them made me feel like I was drinking lightning whenever I looked at them. None of them made me hope and wish and dream that one day I'd be closer to them. None of them were so fucking lovely that I'd gladly give up my entire future for a chance to see them smile.

So I stayed.

I stayed until the sun sank below the water and the clouds turned into flowers and the world was a blurred painting of watercolours. I stayed until three hours after he was supposed to get there. And thank fucking god that I did.

"Hey."

I spun around and then my stomach vanished.

Dan.

The space where my stomach used to be was full of angry butterflies.

Dan.

He was standing there. He had his tiny little hands stuffed into the middle pocket of his grey hoodie. And he didn't want to be there. It looked like he was shaking, but that might've been the wind. And it looked like he was crying, but that might've been my eyes.

"Dan."

I realized that I said his name outside of my head.

He swallowed thickly and looked away from me. I bit my lip.