amity // phan

six.

-phil-

No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't get my hands to stop shaking. They were made out of lightning or something- but not the good kind. I felt like I was hollow, like I was fake, like I was dreaming.

There was something off in my head.

When I stepped outside, it was raining flowers. Daisies were dripping from the sky and down my cheeks. My heart felt very heavy. It was sinking down down down down in my chest, just like how my legs were sinking down down down down into the pavement below me.

It was really damn cold outside. I would have gone back for my coat, but I couldn't face him again. I had to get out of there. There were stars falling all around me. The sky had given up on them. The whole world had this kind of washed-out look to it.

I was disappearing with every step I took.

I started to run. If I slowed down, even for a second, the ground might've swallowed me whole. My hands were still shaking, and I felt like my heart was catching on fire. Like my lungs were drowning in the smoke.

It was one of those things. I shouldn't have shown up at Dan's place. It wouldn't end well. But I didn't know where else to go or who else to see. All I could think of was how warm Dan's room would be, and how his eyes would probably be even warmer.

I stood out on his lawn for a few minutes, catching my breath and looking around at his idle little town. Everything looked so neat and organized. The streetlamps were captured fairies, the houses were towering kingdoms.

There was nobody else outside that night. It was strange, how everything was deserted. I was the only person alive- or that's what it felt like, anyway. I could have screamed and nobody would have noticed. I could have laughed and nobody would have cared.

I wiped my eyes off on my sleeve before I tapped on Dan's window. I had to wait for a second. God, it was cold. When he saw me standing there, his eyes went really wide.

Dan opened the window quickly, but he kept staring at me like he wasn't sure if I was real or not.

"Phil," he whispered. "What are you doing here?"

"Hey, kid. Nice to see you. You look lovely tonight," I said. I was pretty breathless. "Listen. Could you let me in? It's really fucking cold out here."

After he nodded, I clambered in. I couldn't think straight, so I kind of tipped over and had to grab onto him. Normally, I might've been embarrassed, but I was distracted by how damn pretty he was.

"Phil, are you drunk?" he asked. His voice was quieter than before.

"No. Listen. I've got a favour to ask of you."

I noticed that his whole room looked like strawberry sunshine. He looked like strawberry sunshine. There were flowers everywhere everywhere everywhere, not to mention the crystals and candles and dreamcatchers.

"Are you okay?" he asked, stepping a little closer to me. "Phil?"

"Could we get outta here, Dan? I need a distraction right now. I don't care where we go- it could be anywhere."

There was a pause. I just stared at him.

Dan grabbed my hand. His fingers were perfectly still. "No. Absolutely not. You need to sleep, and I need to study. No way."

There was something funny about that, to be honest. He thought I could just sleep. Like I could just turn my brain off. Like I could actually feel safe enough to shut my eyes right then.