amity // phan

fifteen.

-phil-

The two of us were frozen in place, waiting.

I was still holding onto Dan, and his hands were still clinging to the fabric of my shirt. Rain had started to fall, and it felt like it was cutting through my skin. Dan was silent, and so was the rest of the world, except for the wind.

"Hey," I said, after a few minutes of nothing. "Dan?"

He let go of me, and sank to the ground. He tugged his knees close to his chest.

"You okay?"

Dan looked up at me, his eyes still puffy and red from crying. "Are you joking?"

I sat down next to him. Again, I didn't really know what to say to him. The whole sky was grey, clouds swirling above us.

Even his eyes seemed grey.

"Listen, Dan, do you have any idea– do you know who did this? Because I swear to god that I'll–"

"You don't have to do anything," he said. His words were shaky. "I'm used to it. It's okay."

"Used to it," I said softly.

Dan looked away, his eyes trailing the pavement. He crossed his arms over his chest, squirming a bit. I got the idea that he didn't mean to tell me that. That he'd meant to keep it a secret.

"Used to it."

He kept staring at the ground, avoiding my gaze. Like he was scared of me. Like he was scared of what I might think.

"It's not– it's never been this bad before, I mean," he said, his words rushed and clumsy. "But there have been these, like, notes, I guess. Shoved in my locker between classes."

There was a sharp tug in my chest, like my insides were being licked by a flame.

He shrugged, scratched the back of his neck, looked away. "They got less creative as time went on. Repetitive. Like fag and pansy and stuff."

There was a fire burning in the pit of my stomach.

"When did it start?"

"Last year. Around spring, I guess. But it didn't get bad until I started hanging out with you," he said. There was another pause, and then he met my eyes. "Whoever it is– whoever's doing this– they don't want us to be friends."

Little things started to click in my head after that. It was no wonder that he asked me why we were friends.

"Shit," I said. "Why didn't you tell me?"

And why didn't I see?

After all, I was falling for a kid who pressed freaking flowers in his spare time.

I should have known something was up.

Dan's face was closed off, and all the shutters were locked. "I don't need you playing superman all the time."

"No, Dan, that isn't how this works," I said. I could feel everything building up inside. "You can't just keep all of these things to yourself–"

"Oh that's rich. Especially coming from you," he mumbled. And then he met my eyes, and all I could see were storm clouds.

"What are you talking about?"

His eyes were sharp, just then. "I know that there's something going on with you, Phil. Something big, something you aren't telling anyone about–"

"Shut up."

"You're always acting like it's fine, like everything's great. But I'm not blind, and I'm not an idiot. It's something at home, right? With your dad."

"Shut up, Dan."

I didn't notice that my hands were fists until my nails started biting into my skin.

"He isn't a bad guy," I said, my face hard, tight. "And you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. It isn't his fault. It isn't anyone's. He just gets carried away sometimes."

And Dan was still staring at me, and I could hear all those stupid questions coming, the ones he was inevitably going to ask. The ones that everyone asked.

"I started taking the city bus home from school when I was twelve." The words were bitter in my mouth. "Because sometimes, when he picked me up, he was manic to the point where other kids could tell. His eyes were too bright and he was all jumpy and wired. And I didn't want to be known as that kid with the crazy dad anymore."

Dan leaned his head on my shoulder, and I let him.

"Notes in your locker is something that can be fixed," I said slowly. "But telling you about my shitty life isn't going to make anything better. It's not going to keep him from kicking me out again. It's not going to make Damien's floor any more comfortable to sleep on."

I stopped talking for a second, and Dan didn't push it. I looked up at the sky, and noticed that the rain had turned to snow. It was the first time it had snowed all year, and the flakes were puffy and white. They were settling on my skin, then melting into nothing.

I bit my lip, then let the words spill. "Look. I know I'm lousy at talking about these things. And I know I don't ask for help when I should. I'm just tired of being that pathetic basket case people feel sorry for."

The words had come out all thick and choked. I wiped my eyes off on my sleeve.

There was another long pause, and his hand found mine, our fingers tangling. I could see him thinking, considering, calculating what to say to me. I could see the snow falling around us.

"Why are you allowed to feel sorry for me, then?" Dan asked, his voice small.

"Because you let them walk all over you."

He pulled his hand back from mine. "No, I don't."

"Yes, Dan. God. Yes, you do. You think it's okay to make yourself small for people– to cut yourself down for the convenience of others."

He was fiddling with his fingers, his hand strangling his wrist. "What's wrong with that?"

I looked away, finding my words. I watched as sparks started to spill from my skin, I watched as they hit the ground.

"It's like burning artwork, Dan. It's like pouring paint down the drain," I said.

I could tell that he was listening to me, finally.

My voice was shaking pretty bad. "You don't deserve all this shit that happens to you. You don't deserve it. And you're acting like it's fine, like it doesn't matter. Like you don't matter."

He looked at me, eyes quiet.

And then I met his gaze, and everything just spilled over the edge.

"Dan, I–"

But I stopped myself before I said it.

My words got lost in the snow.

I hoped that he would understand what I was trying to say, regardless.

- - -

an//

It seems that i've posted early, yet again. you guys are probably drowning in updates at this point lol.

so! what did you think???

also,,, new cover!! do you like it?

see you soon, (around april 23rd, maybe earlier.)