Prompt: Kaz's POV when he lies to Killian about how he's just using him and the others (this is from chapter 15)
---------------------------
"Kaz, wait."
The others were filing back into the building. I turned to Killian, but he didn't say anything until the others were inside. He moved to the side of the building and I followed him.
"Tonight could've gone horribly wrong if Emmett or his parents woke up. Why are you doing this? Why are you being so reckless?" he asked.
Surely the others must've noticed I was being a bit reckless. But they'd followed me blindly. They'd just trusted that I wouldn't let anything happen to them, even though they'd gotten in trouble before because of my plans.
"You're a good kid, O'Malley. You should really keep away from us," I said. The others were too far in with me. But Killian had a chance to get out. He needed to take it and run for his damn life. I was dangerous.
Anger burned in his eyes. "You wanted me in this and now I'm in it. I'm not back out now. You dragged me into this, Kaz. You owe me an explanation. If you're going to be reckless, then you're going to at least tell me why," he said, that anger leaking into his words.
Of course I owed him an explanation. I owed them all an explanation. But an explanation wasn't an excuse.
Killian didn't understand. Whatever life he'd lived before coming here didn't involve people like me. I shouldn't have dragged him into this in the first place. I was a fool, and I was no better than Aaron. Thank god I hadn't kissed Killian earlier today. It would've made what I was about to do next so much harder.
I shook my head slowly, wishing things didn't have to be this way. "You don't get it, do you?"
"Get what?" he demanded.
"You said I'm their friend, not their leader. And you're wrong. I am their leader, not their friend." Saying it out loud turned my blood to ice in my veins. I'd tried so hard to help Aaron, and instead I'd become him.
"What are you talking about?" Killian asked, because he'd had faith in me. What a bitter feeling disappointment was. What a bitter feeling it was to be the source of disappointment.
"Pete, Leo, Mikayla, Beckett...you. I used all of you. I put together a crew that I could make use of." Just like Aaron had done. He'd been able to pick locks. His brother was a good liar. Vic was our lookout. I was our thief. "Leo breaks into places for me, Pete doesn't mind taking the fall for anything I do, Mikayla has a talent for creative vandalism, and Beckett is an angry little kid who would do anything to rebel."
And Killian. The boy I'd foolishly fallen for and dragged down with me. He would've been better off without me.
"And you? You're the good guy the teachers don't think twice about who comes in handy when we need a lookout or an extra hand." He was a good guy. Why had I taken advantage of him?
I ran my fingers over the scars on my arm, remembering the fall I'd taken to earn those scars. It was all for Aaron.
I wouldn't let that happen to Killian. I wouldn't do to him what Aaron had done to me. I'd stop this before it got too far. Headmaster Constance was right; I was just repeating the cycle of manipulation Aaron had started. Why hadn't I seen it sooner?
"I even use Siggy. I bribe him with his brother so that he lets us get away with sneaking out. Don't you get it, O'Malley? None of this was ever friendship. It was just about finding people who could do what I needed done."
Killian fell silent, trying to comprehend my words. I thought I cared about my friends, but who the hell used the people they cared about? I was just fooling myself. Trying to make me seem like a better person that I actually was.
Headmaster Constance said I was just setting them all up to repeat the cycle, and he was right. But I could at least save Killian. I wanted to save him. I would only ruin him, and I didn't want to do that. I cared about him too much to do that.
"All this time?" he said.
"All of it," I said, hating that it was true. Hating that I had done it without even realizing it. That's how bad of a man I was. "I came here as a 16 year old who liked getting into trouble. These were kids who had talents society branded as faults. I was getting my hands on those talents before this school beat it out of them. I protected them because they were valuable investments to me."
He looked shaken. He looked like he was finally seeing the man I really was. I wished I was a better man, for him and for my friends and for my parents. But Constance had forced me to see the ugly truth.
"Now you're getting it." I pat his shoulder as I walked by. I couldn't stand that expression anymore, and I need to keep my composure. If he felt bad for me, if he thought I could be saved, he'd just fall into the same hole I had when I tried to help Aaron. "They'd rather be used than broken. And you're not different. You sold yourself to me."
I went around the side of the building and pressed my back against the wall, looking up at the stars in the sky. I could save Killian before he got caught up with me. I would let the others stay in blissful ignorance of my true nature and try to minimize the damage I did to them. I was a bad man, but I would try to do contain the infectious manipulation I had.
I wanted to kiss Killian. I wanted to protect my friends. I wanted to make my parents proud.
Constance had shattered the lie I'd been telling myself the whole time at this damn Academy. I hurt the people I cared about. I used them.
I wanted this manipulative cycle to end, but the sky above me was as vast as I was helpless. At least I had saved Killian.
