4 | on catholic guilt

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there   is   an    irony,
i   think   to    myself
amid   one  of  many
pews  in the  church
hall  of  an  all - girls
private         catholic
academy   my   high
school  is  on  a visit
t o,  i n  h a v i n g  a
collection of priests
&   bishops   talk   to
a  r o o m  f u l l   o f
teenagers   a b o u t
relationships    and
sexuality  and  love
s  o  m  e  t  h  i  n  g
particularly hellish
a  b  o  u  t       t  h  e
arrangement      for
both                 sides ;
something  i   know
now to  refer to  as:
" catholic guilt "

the   priest   tells  us
h o w  o n e  s e x  i s
incomplete  without
the opposite and the
h a l l   e r u p t s   i n
stunned       silence -
u n s u r e     i f     h e
understands        the
hypocrisy     of     his
celibacy    and  such
teachings

when     the       priest
receives       question
on   queer   identities
and how  the  church
isolates    them   -   he
responds   by  talking
about  the   woes    of
an   over - sexualised
world  -  whilst i turn
to  my   right  to   one
of  my few childhood
friend's   ;     who     is
a s e x u a l          a n d
aromantic    and     in
turn    disgusted     by
the    very    idea     of
intercourse  but  will
l i k e l y  h a v e  s e x
anyway   to   appease
h e r    n i g e r i a n /
christian mother

the priest  talks about
maintaining        one's
v i r g i n i t y   u n t i l
marriage  and i  think
about my best friend -
who is  as catholic  as
they  c o m e  w h i c h
means  to  say, is  pro-
life  and   feels   guilty
even     after     french
kissing   her   (atheist)
boyfriend

the  priest  gives   us  a
lecture on promiscuity
and   the   flaws   of    a
lustful  girl. and  i  look
to   one  of  my  friends
who   is    no   longer  a
v i r g i n      nor  is  she
r e l i g i o u s   b u t   is
confident       in       her
sensuality

the   priest  says  a   lot
more   that    day   and
avoids         answering
many more questions
most of which,  i can't
recall  and  don't  care
to either;  after all the
priest is  hypocrite, so
is the  entirety  of  the
roman              catholic
church    with     their
holier     than       thou
superiority   complex

which  is  to  say ,   the
foundation    of      this
branch of  christianity
is    a   tsunami    wave
which is to say,  it was
only    after     purging
myself   of   this    guilt
and taking a step back
from  the faith could i
see  the  cracks  in  the
floorboard which is to
say,   i   wish everyone
else could  see  it,  this
crumbling        o f   a n
ancient   c o n c e p t  i
wish  my   closest  and
most religious friends
especially   would  see
it,

rather     than         feel
themselves      become
cloaked  by  a  opaque
shadow of guilt

- and on the off chance i'm wrong. i'll see all you hypocrites/priests in hell.

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