the failings of a surgically healed heart | a collection

5 | the author; revised

i feel like we have

correction: i have
gone through puberty– in reverse
diagnose me benjamin button
for i have regressed
to the point of no return
unmade myself into the parts of a girl
but not a girl herself:
a disassembled barbie doll
jigsaw-ed back together to become
a manic pixie dream– 
stars in her own movie,
but still remains in the shadow of everyone

(good thing my skin is black; all the shadow i'll ever need)

the type who is liberated

correction: depressed AF

a character

correction: a caricature
who exists only in indie films.
the sort where the protagonist
is queer and.
dark-skinned and.
woman enough.
"an unholy trinity of marginalisation"

the sort of character who wants to die,

more than they want to be loved

correction: a boyfriend

i feel like i am undone

correction: i am undone.
tried so hard not to be
but the surgeons literally took me apart,
left incomplete instructions
been trying for two summers to put my self-back together

but i must have lost some part of myself 

correction: parts
tried to replace them with:

cheaper solutions

correction: distractions
instead of fix the problem
filled the emptier parts: 
with sexually frustrated white boys;
with talk of god and morality instead 
of conversations with a psychologist

(your mum doesn't count);

and junk food.
so much junk food 
to gain back all that weight i lost and then some. 

(and even more after that)

all it did was to leave me
worse for wear. 
slowed down the healing process–
like a tumour
had to quarantine myself.

spent those days:
unlearning my depression through poetry.
told my best friend(s) how i was feeling all the time.
befriended so many other lonely unpublished authors
and i don't know when it happened
but at some point i looked up
and realised:

i, the main character, 
queer/dark-skinned/woman,
lover of her friends
but greater lover of herself,
was happy–for the first time–
in a long time

- and how relieving, to know this is the truth

--

LMAO guys I'm just trolling yall's this is not the final poem I still have two more updates after this but imma talk about that more next week from uni dorm i'll be living in. Wowee.

Until then today's shout out goes out to cigarettenightmares and like I get I shout mae all the time but I just have so much to say about the way she's writes poetry to novels and how much her own work inspires mine so for folk who haven't checked out her poetry get on that shit because mine doesn't even measure up.

But beyond that, like mae your such a fucking pure soul it's unreal. And you comment on all my poetry I come out with and vote all of it and trust me to critique your writing and I'm just like so honoured because I get even/especially when your friends critique your art, your ideas and a realm as personal as that it's like a mum asking a family member to take care for their baby and their is just so much axienty attached with that so thank you for trusting me that way.

And your just so introspective and smart and you have so many opinions and I honestly - from the bottom of my heart - love you completely :)