Carl Grimes Imagines

Scars

*Warning - mentions of self harm*

I was awoken by the sweltering heat of Georgia swarming my prison cell. Beads of sweat were already beginning to form on the back of my neck, and I clambered out of my bed which seemingly made the heat even more unbearable. I used to love the summertime, but when it has to be spent fighting off the dead, love can be lost. I changed quickly, hoping that the loose tank top would give me some sort of relief from the weather. I walked out of my cell, already hearing more complaints and groans about how hot it was, so I sat by everyone and was ready to join.

"I swear, working in this heat is even worse than fighting off walkers." Glenn ranted, taking a sip of water.

"I'll agree with you on that one." Maggie smiled, chuckling at his childlike whining.

"I'd take fighting walkers over this weather any day." I added, making both of them laugh.

"Me too." Carl joined in, taking a seat next to me.

"Look who finally got out of bed." I smirked, tipping his hat up slightly teasing him. The smirk faded from my face as I felt his hand lock around my wrist, wincing in pain at the small pressure he applied. Small cuts dazed my pale skin, some old and some new, unseen by everyone except me. Until now. They were usually covered, I was careful, but today I'd forgotten - and I couldn't hide it anymore.

I pulled my wrist away gently, avoiding the concerned look that was so prominent in Carl's eyes. Thankfully, the rest of the group were to focused on their own conversations to notice my change in behaviour, only Carl was fixated on me. I shifted uncomfortably under his stare, and hoped that I could escape the situation as fast as possible. I didn't want to talk about it, but I knew Carl's care for me ran too deep, and it was something I'd have to face.

"Y/N." His voice was soft, laced with a mixture of sorrow and comfort. It made it harder to look at him, and this wasn't the time or place to answer his questions.

"Not now." I mumbled, a familiar weight heaving on my chest, a sense of panic washing over me. I stood quickly, heading outside, preferring the unbearable heat to the even more unbearable questions I knew were coming.

I understood that Carl would want to know, but having to explain why I felt the way I did was difficult when I didn't understand it myself. Overwhelming sadness crept back over me, as no one had ever known why I did what I did. I leant back against the prison, trying to gather my thoughts and shade myself from the sun when I realised just how noticeable the cuts and the scars were. I didn't know how to cope when I was alone, when I lost my family and had no one left to care about. It was easier to fall apart, and when no one was there to pick up the pieces, even easier to stay broken.

A light tap on my shoulder pulled me out of my thoughts, and as I turned I was immediately enveloped into Carl's arms. He was giving me all the comfort I hadn't received when I lost everybody, and I was grateful for it. His embrace was a small and simple gesture, but sometimes it's all I need.

"I don't need to know everything, and you don't need to tell me everything. But what I do know is that I want to keep you safe, I don't want you hurt. And if that means protecting you from yourself, then I'll do it. I want to help you, Y/N, because it hurts me to know that you've been in pain and didn't have anyone to turn too." Carl moved his hand to move my hair away from my face, cupping my cheek when he spoke to me.

"Thank you, Carl. I appreciate it, I do. It's just..." I trailed off, unable to formulate the words I needed to say.

"What? You can tell me." Carl's voice had a reassuring tone, making me feel safe, but uneasiness still floated in my stomach.

"I don't expect you to understand, because I don't myself. Because some days, I feel so much better, and then I wake up and it feels like I have this huge aching hole in my heart that won't ever go away, because everyone I've ever loved has gone. And it was hard, when I was alone, this was the only thing I could do, that, that let me feel something again. Because I was so tired of feeling lost." The words reeled off my tongue without me thinking of what I said, my feelings pouring out like a waterfall. Tears pooled in my eyes and threatened to trickle their way down my cheeks, and my heart beat at a rapid pace due to the anxiousness I was feeling whilst talking.

"You don't have to feel lost now. I'm here, everyone in there, our entire group is here. I can't promise that we won't lose people, but everyone's making sure that we can prevent that. And I'm here to stay Y/N, I'm not going anywhere. I want to help, you just have to let me. Thank you for telling me." Carl was truly appreciative of the way I had opened up to him, which showed me how big of an achievement it was. Some of the weight which had been pushing me down seemed lifted, just by listening to what Carl said. He gave me a glimpse of light in all the darkness I felt.

"I don't know what to do...I don't know what else to do when I feel like that. I can't stop it." I admitted, mumbling as I tried to gain confidence in talking about the way I felt.

"You can talk to me. It doesn't matter when or what I'm doing, I'll always be there when you need me. Just please, Y/N, please don't hurt yourself again." I saw the love and sincerity in Carl's eyes, which gave me the fire in my stomach to try. He was willing to help me through this, and I didn't want to stop him.

"Okay." I nodded, a few stray tears slipping from my eyes for Carl to wipe away delicately. He leaned down and pressed a lingering kiss to my forehead, then wrapping his arms tighter around me so my head was resting on his chest.

"You won't ever be alone again." We stayed in that position for a while, softly swaying in comfortable silence until Carl broke it.

"C'mon, let's go back inside. It's way too hot out here." He linked our fingers together and turned until he saw the hesitant look on my face.

"What if people see?" My eyes darted to my wrists and then back to him, still wanting to cover them, they showed my most private feelings that shouldn't be shared with everyone.

"It's okay. We'll go back to my cell for a while, just us. Don't worry Y/N, no one will judge you if they see. They'll just want to help, like I do."

I reluctantly started to move with Carl, still feeling conscious about my arms being on show. We made it through the prison without a second look from anyone, cooling the panic which had surged through me. Thoughts were whirring around my head, a million things I wanted to say but still a little too afraid to say them. I remembered how it felt better, earlier to say how I felt, and after taking a deep breath, I decided to try again.

"It feels like I'm not in control of what I feel. Like one day, I wake up and there just isn't a point anymore. There isn't a reason to keep surviving. I feel so empty, so dead inside. And I'm so desperate to feel something other than nothing. It's like a drug, you keep doing it because it works. It makes me feel something, that's why it's so hard to stop." I stopped again, watching as Carl held on to every word I said.

"Does it help? Talking about it?" He waited expectantly for my answer, watching my expression.

"Yeah. It does." I nodded my head, never thinking that explaining would help me so much.

"Then talk. I'll listen."