Carl Grimes Imagines

All My Love

*Warning - mention of suicide*

"There's always a reason to keep trying, Y/N."

We were young when he first told me that. It was on the farm, Carl was recovering from being shot, and I was taking almost losing him hard. I didn't know something so important and realistic could come from someone at such a young age. I remembered what he told me through everything else, through losing the farm, then the prison. I thought that Alexandria would be our safe haven, and it was for many of us. It wasn't long before the Saviors were our new threat, though. After being at the line up, seeing the brutal deaths, I decided then I didn't want to do it anymore. I knew I'd be safer if I was dead, I'd be with my family and I wouldn't have to feel this constant pain.

"What's going on?" Carl asked, waving a hand in front of my face as I'd been blanked out of the conversation completely.

"What?" I replied, shaking my head and covering the best I could to not show my emotions in my expression.

"What's going on in your head?" He pushed, tilting his head to the side as he studied me. I moved my gaze from him and looked out over the streets of Alexandria as we stood outside the house.

"Nothing." I shrugged, wearing a small smile to make everything believable. Carl knew how to read me, and hiding things from him before had never been easy.

"You sure?" He spoke again after a moment, fixating his stare on the side of my head.

I nodded slowly, turning my head around to look at him and hoping he couldn't see right through my lies. "I'm sure."

"Everyone's out looking for supplies. You wanna spend the day together? We could go out and help." He suggested, knowing that Tara had Judith and he wasn't on babysitting duty this time.

"I can't, sorry. I have to help Olivia with the inventory." I replied, thinking of the first excuse that could come to mind.

"Okay. I don't think Dad's left for his run yet, so I'll see you later, alright?" He informed me, pressing a chaste kiss to my cheek before he descended down the steps of the house and on to the street.

"Alright. Stay safe." I chewed on my lip, watching as he walked down the street away from me. That's the last time. The last conversation I'd have, the last time I'd see him. I didn't notice the tears that gathered in my eyes, and quickly had to wipe them away. I didn't want to cry, because I wouldn't be able to stop.

I walked back into the now empty house, fiddling with the gun that was strapped into my holster. It was always an absentminded habit I had, but now it meant something more. I decided that I was going to do this, and now it was time. I climbed the stairs and entered my room, pulling the small note I had hidden by the side of my bed. I left it folded, not able to read over it again, knowing exactly what it said. I didn't want Carl wondering for the rest of his life why I did it, so it contained the explanation he deserved. Pacing back down the stairs and leaving the note on the kitchen table, I made sure it was a plain sight for Carl to be able to find.

Carl's POV

The run had been long and slow, and it was a relief to see the familiar gates of our home coming into view. I wanted to see Y/N, wishing she could've come with us to see how we'd actually been successful this time. We pulled through the gates and I set about organising some of the supplies we'd found.

"Carl, can you take these to Olivia? You can go after that, don't worry about anything else." My Dad handed me a bag full of food, and I nodded in reply, knowing that I could see Y/N as she'd be working with Olivia.

The streets of Alexandria were quiet, and my footsteps seemed to echo around as I made my way toward the already open inventory. I dropped the bag down on one of the shelves, scanning the room but not seeing anyone.

"Did Y/N leave already?" I called out to Olivia who appeared from the back, walking toward me with a confused look on her face.

"I haven't seen Y/N today." She replied, picking the bag up and looking through the contents. "Are these from the run?"

"Yeah. She told me she was helping you with everything today, she didn't come?" I asked again, a feeling of worry brewing within me.

"I don't know anything about that. She never told me she was coming to help. Sorry, Carl." Olivia shrugged, taking the bag and heading into the back again. "Thanks for the stuff."

I barely had time to reply before my feet were taking me to our house, wanting to know why Y/N would lie. A sense of panic had settled inside of me, not knowing why she'd want to avoid me or make excuses to not go with us.

"Y/N?" I yelled through the house as soon as I entered it, the door still wide open and obviously attracting attention from people outside. "Y/N!"

"Carl, what's going on?" Rick asked as he followed me in, clearly alarmed by my shouting. I didn't respond, only continued to call for Y/N and hunt around the house.

I walked through to the kitchen but noticed she wasn't there, only seeing a folded piece of paper that wasn't sat on the table when I left this morning. I unfolded it quickly, skimming over the first line before my feet were bounding against the floor and up the stairs.

"Carl, what's wrong?" Michonne questioned again as both her and my Dad followed me up the stairs, confused by why I was in so much panic.

She wasn't in any of the rooms, the last one being the bathroom. I placed my shaky hand on the handle, pushing it open to find that it was unlocked. I glanced around before my sight landed on something that ripped my heart clean out of my chest. The now crumpled note was still in my hand, and it tightened around it knowing that it was now my last connection with her. Michonne and my Dad were soon behind me and had comforting words, holding my in their arms when all I wanted was to be in hers. I was dragged away from the bathroom whilst I cried, cursing myself for not being back faster, for not noticing anything that could've even suggested she felt like this.

Reading the note made the pain worse, but I owed it to her. I had to know why, I had to know why the haunting image of her with the once fully loaded gun by her side was now engraved into my mind. It hurt, it hurt more than I could have ever imagined. I should've protected her, including protecting her from herself. I should have never left this morning, because if I didn't I know that the situation I'm in now could never have happened. I smoothed out the crumpled piece of paper, my vision blurry from the tears present.

Carl, 

I don't know what to say, except that I'm sorry. I won't be able to say much, because I know that you'll deserve so much more of an explanation than this.

I don't deserve more, Y/N did.

I always tried to remember what you told me, although you probably don't remember, I always did. There's always a reason to keep trying. I want you to remember that when I'm gone. I don't want you to give up, because it's not what you deserve. You're going to live a lot longer than I did, and you're going to be okay. I love you, Carl and you should remember that.

I'm sorry. I just ran out of reasons.

All my love,
- Y/N

I never thought that she would. But now she was gone, I'd lost one of my own reasons to keep trying.