Unseen | ✔

18 | TAPES

"The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind." –Caroline Myss

[18]

I STARE AT the plain envelope with nothing more but my name on the front. I know the truth lies just inside. Maybe that's what is keeping me from opening it up?

I've always wanted to know why my life is the way it is, always been kept in the shadows and not understanding anything.

Why had my parents made Gary my godfather? Why had they left?

Give or take the fact that perhaps it isn't entirely their fault they left this world, but, why? I was just a young girl. Nothing made sense then.

Nothing makes sense now.

I've just wanted to know the reason why my life turned out the way it did. Now though?

I don't want to know why my life had been made like this. I don't really care. I don't want to know the truth, I just want to be happy.

Now, the truth doesn't matter. Now, my friends matter - my new family matters.

I grab the envelope and walk down the hall to where my bedroom is. The once plain house is now a lot brighter and decorative than it was when I first moved in.

I admit I'm not the one who'd chosen the theme. All the credit goes to Lily who had somehow turned my extremely boring and depressing house into something that had some colour. Not a lot, because - I, myself - am not a particularly happy person, but it works.

I huff and open the closet doors where a box of photos lie.

Tearing the box open, I rip and pull out all the memories I've been trying to forget for years, the scar finally reopening.

Smiling faces, happy people. My family.

Tears slowly start to build up at the memories. My shaky hand pulls out the one thing I am looking for.

Our old videotape.

I fall back against the wall and pull out the first tape.

January 14, 2004.

"Ma, look what I've got!" My five-year-old self-screams. The camera shakes and a laugh is held back.

"Put that down, Izzy!" My mother yells, her Dutch accent evident.

"But - Mama! It's a chocolate stone!" I laugh at how oblivious I was to the fact that I was holding a piece of shit in my hands.

"Boo, put that down now!" My father angrily shouts from the back door.

"But - " Younger me was cut off by my mother's laughter. I grinned at her and lifted the piece of dog shit up to my nose before quickly throwing it and running away.

"Ma! That's Tales poo!" I screamed pointing towards our old dog.

"Oh, honey..." My father walked over to me and started tickling my little belly. My mother once again, cracked up laughing before the camera shut off.

-

I pull my knees up to my chest and cry. The pain is unbearable and is slowly suffocating me. The dark shadow is - once again - casting itself over me.