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[katie]
i lie awake that night, staring at the smooth white ceiling in deep concentration. i normally don't allow myself to think too much because thinking brings my monsters back.
but tonight i was letting myself think. my mind went to the subject of harry. i indulged on the image of his lips wrapped around the cigarette, and how his eyes smirked more than his mouth. i found myself wondering why he hates himself and if i could help.
i used to love helping people,
well, before i needed help, that is.
i remember starting my first year of high school so eager and prepared (i thought). but my excited persona was smothered by the massive pressure and cruel judgement i was faced with. i attempted to push through and stay positive, however the following year of school was just another hand pulling me farther into my own retreat.
the second-to-last year was the hardest and most painful of all. i was depressed, anyone could see that. especially the doctor who diagnosed me. i was lost, alone and angry. the raised white lines on my forearms and thighs are evidence of that.
my last year of high school i have been walking through the motions. i'm numb and can't seem to shake the heaviness on my shoulders. instead of the lively, joyous girl i used to be who braided her hair every day and loved to sing; i am a corpse, i sit in the middle of an ocean while others play on the beach- they've forgotten i'm even here.
i shut my eyes tightly and roll over, legs tucking up instinctively as if to guard myself from the horrid thoughts.
so much for thinking.
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the next morning i wake up slowly, but then the memories of yesterday and the possibilities they pose push me out of the bed. i glance at the clock on my phone and it reads 11:00, about an hour or so before i met harry yesterday. my stomach is fluttering and most would call it childish for a seventeen year old to be like this. but after years of being utterly alone, the possibility of a companion is a thrilling concept.
the shower is too hot, so i quickly scrub myself down and rinse before stepping out. i try to style my hair but it ends up looking weird so i pull it into a ponytail with a sigh. i dare to put on makeup, which i haven't done since my cousin's wedding over the summer, and when it looks even enough i pad back to my room and throw on jean shorts and a t-shirt.
i glance at my reflection in the long mirror that rests against my door. my scars are mostly faded, so luckily it's not that noticeable. but still, ever the self conscious girl, i pile on bracelets that I have collected over the years. i yank on converse in a hopping motion as i go downstairs.
"well, morning Katie, good to see your face." my mother looks up from her coffee and book with a surprised expression that she tries to play off as a yawn. i nod as i grab a banana and a red leash.
"i'm going to take Jo for a walk, okay?" i call over my shoulder before clipping the leash on to the waiting dog's collar.
i hear her murmur something back as the door thuds shut behind us. i force myself to walk normally, and try to calm my pounding heart.
what is he's not there today? what if he is? what do i say? do i say anything at all? do i act like i don't remember him?
my mind whirls as i try to decide how to make my entrance. the weather is much more pleasant today, the air is crisper and the heat not as suffocating. my dog happily trots beside me, oblivious to the fact that this is the first time i've willingly taken her out on a walk in - a year, maybe?
as we near the park, i force my gait to become even slower, i even pause to let the dog sniff around. finally we enter the park and i subtlety look around, blood singing in anticipation.
my heart sinks to my stomach. there's nobody here except a young woman and her toddler. i try and keep a neutral expression as i continue walking as if nothing happened.
why would i think he would be here like he was yesterday? fuck, i feel stupid. I should probably head home and stop day dreaming that -
"looking for someone?"
i spin around to face the cigarette boy smirking at me, all evidence of his previous discord gone. my heart is beating erratically and i feel i might faint. remembering his question, i swallow hard and smile,
"perhaps. are you?"
Harry grins at me, teeth showing, and rumbles,
"perhaps. may i join you, Kathryn?"
i nod.
we walk for a few paces in silence, then he reaches around to his back pocket and pulls out a package of cigarettes. i watch him light the toxic stick and place it between his lips. when he offers one to me i automatically shake my head, but after a moment i go back on my answer and ask for one. Harry pulls one out, lights it from a navy lighter with a black skull, and passes it to me. i bring the stick to my lips and inhale. it burns immediately and i begin coughing.
oh, god, it tastes so bad.
i can't seem to stop coughing, and i attempt to apologize between wheezing. but Harry is laughing, and finally my lungs calm down. he puffs from his own cigarette and says with a chuckle, "maybe not this time, yeah?" i blush and apologize again but he waves it off. we begin walking again and after a few minutes of silence i ask boldly, "so, why do you hate yourself?"
he glances at me, green eyes hooded in dark amusement, "you really want to know, Kathryn?"
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yAAAAAA ik, cliff hanger. ok so I have a story to tell lol. on Thursday i was writing this chapter during a car trip and literally it exited out of it in the middle of me writing and didnt save so i had to start over the next day -.- and it ended up deleting it AGAIN so i ended up doing this on my computer. it sucked like a bitch but I hope y'all like it, it hasn't been edited bc i just wanted to update so tell me whatcha think! thanks all 😚
-grace
