As I Lay Dying

Twenty one

1917

I'm lost in a sea of pain.

Sometimes I'm on the estate with Evie and we're fishing down by the river or lying under the oak tree.

Sometimes there are strange things. Pitch black. Mud walls. Pale faces staring down at me. Strange conversations around me.

He can't face it. Not another battle. He needs to be in the medical camp.

The order has come straight from our officer. He's got to go back to frontline. There's no choice.

That leg is infected and it's spreading. There's no way he can fight. Look at the state of him. He's barely with us half the time. Poor lad needs medical help.

Sometimes a soothing voice I know, but can't place, urges me to come back to reality. Sometimes it's angry, but I don't know how to please it.

I always mean to tell Evie about these things but I forget.

"Harry, just survive this. Please, just get through this one day."

I'm being carried along by two men.

"Luke." I know that's his name but I don't know how I know this.

"That's right." The voice is soft in my ear. "Just get over the top ok? Please, for me."

I don't know where they are carrying me to. I feel sick, dizzy. I need to lie down. Why don't they put me down?

"Just get over the top and we'll lie you down near the edge. Please Harry. You'll be safe, we'll lie you down right at the edge and you'll be safe. You have to look as if you've gone over the top. Come on, don't give him the satisfaction..."

The voice drones on in my ear. Somehow I want to please it. Luke is my friend.

I open my eyes and see a worried pair of blue eyes gazing into mine as he carries me along.

"You're going to be ok. I've stuck with you this long, just try and keep it together ok? You're very ill but once he's proved his little point we'll have you straight to the medical bay, just get over the top and we'll lie you down, play dead..."

The voice drifts away from me and I'm back with Evelyn under the oak tree. She keeps laughing at me and I don't know why.

It's a strange blur. Her face keeps merging with with others, pinched, scared looking faces.

I tell her this but she doesn't answer.

Instead I get that voice in my ear.

"It's ok Harry. It's ok. Hold on, don't you dare leave me now..."

I laugh loudly. Why is she talking in Luke's voice?

There's loud noises and I groan. I ask Evelyn to keep them away from me but she shakes her head and runs back to the manor. I'm pushed upwards and I protest but I'm too weak. The voice is harsh in my ear, even over the loud noises I can hear the pain in it.

"Just get through this Harry." The voice breaks. "Oh lord, I'm far from a religious man but please, carry him through this. I'll kill that bastard with my own two hands I swear it."

Luke. That's Luke.

The noise starts up but I'm ok. There's an arm clutching me close and I'm ok.

"Remember what I said? Keep him upright. Bloody shove him up there if you have to-"

The sound around us is deafening and it pounds through my head. I turn to side, lolling against the man who is clutching me as though his life depends on it. I try to push him away but I have no energy.