As I Lay Dying

Eleven

1913

If there is one trait I would never have associated with Evie it was cowardice. She had always been fearless and carefree, it was one of the things I loved most about her.

Two days after she had sobbed, naked in my arms, the announcement came that she was to marry someone else.

In all the time before and since that moment, I've never experienced such pain. She would have done me less injury if she'd reached into my chest and tore my heart out.

The shock was so vast, so great, I can scarcely remember the week that followed, it passed in a series of broken images flicking through my mind. Evie as a little child, reaching out to hold my hand. Our clumsy, tender, first kiss. The soft weight of her body on mine. It is an exquisite form of pain to be tortured by images of beauty.

How could she have laid naked with me, made love to me with such passion and tenderness, knowing all the while that she was about to destroy me? Why did she allow me to hear the news from other servants, as if I was nothing to her? How could she be so cruel?

I waited for her to come and explain to me. 18 years of love couldn't mean so little to her.

But my wait was in vain. It was the first month of my life without even a glimpse of her. I knew that she was avoiding me and it ached my heart all the more.

The night before the wedding the servants were invited to a special party in honour of Evelyn's marriage. I wanted no part of it. I sat alone in my cottage, staring at the embers of the fire.

I almost thought I'd imagined the hesitant knock at the door. She entered cautiously, not meeting my eye and we stood, inches apart but with a world of difference between us. The silence hung between us and she made no attempt to break it.

"Should I congratulate you?"

My voice sounded hollow, like it belonged to someone else and the words hung heavy between us.

She gave a sudden short laugh and looked up at me. I could see the shine of tears on her eyes.

"I'm sorry Harry."

"Do you love him?"

"Yes. But it's not about that."

"Then what is it about Evie? I just don't understand how he could replace in 3 months what we've had for an entire lifetime." I tried to keep the desperation from my voice.

"There are things you don't understand." She said quietly.

"So tell me. I'm sorry for any wrong I've ever done you, truly, all I've ever wanted is to make you happy. I just need to know why you don't love me anymore..."

She didn't answer, she just stared down at the floor.

"Do you still love me?"

"Harry-" She made to turn away, but I grabbed her arm to stop her.

"Just answer me." I pulled her towards me but she wouldn't meet my eye.

I felt rather than heard the sob from deep within her and I crumbled, I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her as tightly against me as I could.

"Just tell me Evie, is someone forcing you to do this?"

She shook her head and sobbed against me.