As I Lay Dying

Twenty four

1917

Summer is slowly giving way to autumn. The leaves on the trees are turning to bronze and that distinctive earthy smell that signals the end of summer floats through the morning air.

The past two months have suited Jimmy well. After a full summer of relaxing in the gardens and feasting on Ellens smuggled food, the flush has returned to his cheeks. He looks almost as healthy as he did the first time I met him.

Ellen is both delighted and despairing of this. On the one hand, it pleases her to see him well... On the other, his return to health has only one inevitable outcome.

I'm surprised he hasn't been sent back already. He's long since recovered but the only concession to this is that he's now an outbound patient. He has lodgings with Ellen in London, much to her delight. Both of them spend as much time as possible with me in the hospital gardens anyway, but it can only be a matter of time before Jimmy is called back.

I'm desperate to go with him. Seeing as we're both going to be sent back at some point anyway, I don't want to be separated from him again. The problem is that although I've recovered to point, I'm very weak from spending a couple of months bed-bound. I can barely walk ten paces before I'm breathless.

I've become accustomed to the scar on my thigh. It's a huge indented area of raw fresh skin that I try to avoid looking at. It doesn't mean much, it's only physical.

The other scars are deeper.

It's been 4 months. Evie never did write back to me.

I humbled myself further by writing three more letters to her, knowing all the while that my first would have been delivered safely to her nurses lodgings and she chose to ignore them.

Jimmy often tries to talk about this subject but Ellen shushes him firmly and gazes at me with such sympathy and understanding it makes me want to cry. I almost wish that she'd be as fooled by my nonchalance as everyone else is, that she didn't share my secret humiliation with me.

Evie's silence speaks louder than a letter of rejection ever could.

I had allowed myself to hope that she had been forced into her marriage, or perhaps she was unhappy in it. I can now see that no matter how awful Darlington is, she meant what she said when I saw her last.

She really didn't want the humble life I offered her. Being married to a titled Lord really was important to her and she could overlook his many faults for the sake of his title and wealth.

I try to tell myself that I never really knew her, the girl I loved could never have ignored cruelty for the sake of her own comfort. She's changed beyond anything I could have imagined.

The problem is that my heart still sings her name, she still flits teasingly through my dreams and when I awake in the deepest depths of night, the tears on my pillow are for her.

I should move on. I should carry on and cast aside my past as a childish romance that is long gone. But I can't. It's not in my nature. My mother always used to look at me and say "Still waters run deep."

And that's the truth. I can't alter the way I am. I can hide it, but I can't change it.

I have one body, one heart, one soul.

And I gave them all to Evelyn.

They are no longer mine to just take back.

***

"By yon bonnie banks and by yon bonnie braes, where the sun shines bright on Loch Lomond... Where me and my true love will never meet again... On the bonnie, bonnie banks o' Loch Lomond..."

I smile at Jimmy over the sound of a young Scottish soldier singing from across the gardens. Private Archie McDonald has filled the wards with his singing since he arrived, much to the annoyance of the matron, who has a strong preference for silence and a sombre atmosphere.

We are sat playing cards with an older solider who was stationed with us in France. Private John Gillespie was more than happy to return to English soil with a serious injury and an honourable discharge and was delighted to find myself and Jimmy already here. We've spent several days together and Gillespie is eagerly awaiting the arrival of his wife and the journey home.

"What happened to that mouse of yours Jimmy?" John asks, taking a long sip at his tea and leaning back in his chair.

"Oh yes." I frown suddenly, remembering Jimmy's tame pet mouse. "What happened to Pepper?"

"He did a runner. One night after a bomb raid, woke the next morning to find him gone." Jimmy laughs and stretches his huge shoulders.

"Oh. Well he's not the only one." John lays his cards down with a sigh. "Lost again. Good job we're not playing for money."

"What do you mean, he's not the only one?"

"What?" He glances up from his cards. "Oh yeah, forgot to tell you. I received a letter the other day from Private Rawlings. You remember that young Aussie soldier? Lance or something-"

"Luke." My throat feels dry as I glance at Jimmy. He's eyes flick to mine as he frowns.

"That's right, mate of yours wasn't he? He's deserted. Done a runner. Have to say I didn't have him down as a coward..."

I stare at Jimmy in disbelief.

He's done it. Luke actually deserted.

"... I mean we were all scared, all hated it. But to turn your back on your fellow men like that, bloody cowardly..." Gillespie is still talking but I'm not listening.

If he received the letter a few days ago then that means that it's been several weeks. Could he have made it? Is it possible? I picture Luke on the run, chasing the freedom he so desperately wanted.

"... Course he wants to hope they don't catch him after what he did..."

"What do you mean?" I ask quickly.

"Well, apparently he crept into headquarters in the night and attacked his officer-"

"Officer Darlington?" Jimmy asks sharply.

"That's right. Stabbed him straight in the chest then scarpered. Wait till they bloody catch him..."

I gasp in shock. Luke's face swims into my mind and I recall what he said.

I'll kill that bastard with my own two hands. I swore it over Tommy's grave. He'll get what's coming to him.

"Did he die?"

"Darlington? Well I dunno. Waiting for another letter aren't I? Apparently it looked very bad though, Rawlings didn't seem to think he'd make it. The injury was very deep and last Rawlings had heard... It didn't look likely he would survive."

***

AN- Unedited, sorry it's so short too! I just wrote this on the plane back from Dublin. Hope you enjoyed it... Did you expect this? What do you think will happen?

I'm dedicating this to @Chanmapan who is absolutely lovely and recently went out of her way to help me with some work stuff and just brightens everyone's day with her lovely messages. She's a great writer, you should check out her works and give her a follow.

Also, a hugeeee thanks to a couple of people who voted for this in the undiscovered fanfic awards, I don't qualify as apparently I have too many followers and reads on my other stories, but I do honestly appreciate everyone who took the time to do it, and all of you who read or comment and vote. It really does mean a lot that people enjoy my stories enough to read them and enter them in awards like that. Thank you so much ❤️