I am what I feel

My head is spinning, I can't get you out of my mind

So important things happen again but no cliffhanger this time. This was all written on my phone so I apologize for any big mistake.

Matteo is not looking for Luna with his eyes because, for the first time in two weeks, he knows exactly where she is. She is talking with Nina, not far from where he is talking with Gastón and Ámbar, and is sending him looks every once in awhile thinking he doesn’t notice but of course he does. He notices every little thing that she does, it’s impossible for him not to. His eyes are fixed on Ámbar but from the corner of his eye he can see her perfectly, she can see her trying to be sneaky, her eyes darting towards him every few seconds and he wants nothing more to go to her and kiss her or just talk to her be close to her in any way but there’s still so much he has to think about, there’s still so much he has to process.

“Okay what’s happening with the little girl now?” Ámbar asks and Matteo looks at her confused.

“What do you mean?” Matteo asks “Nothing new has happened.”

“Yeah, you don’t look like a zombie and she is making an appearance less than ten feet from you so I don’t really buy it.” She tells him and Matteo sighs.

He doesn’t know how to explain what happened and more importantly he doesn’t want to, Luna told him a secret, a really big one, a secret he would never share without her permission, a secret no one would believe anyway.

“We talked.” He admits vaguely, glancing at Luna. She chooses the same time to send look at him and their eyes meet, Matteo avoids her eyes instantly pretending he doesn’t see her disappointed face.

“And?” Gastón presses and Matteo shakes his head.

“We just talked.” He shrugs. “There’s still a lot left to figure out.”

“What’s there to figure out?” Ámbar rolls her eyes. “You are both crazy for each other you should be just kiss already and fix this.”

“It’s lot more complicated than that.” Matteo tells her.

“Since when are things complicated for Matteo Balsano?”Ámbar asks and both her and Gastón look at him expectant.

Since he could hurt beyond repair someone he cares about deeply, since he could be the reason of her almost literal downfall, since he could ruin her life, since there are forces bigger than himself and almost everything he believes in involved, since he was rendered powerless,  nothing but a small,  diminutive part in a game of giants. Matteo looks at both of them and then turns to look at Luna.

“Since now.” He whispers and his friends look at him weirdly, he can see the questions in their eyes but he can also see that they are afraid to ask.

The bell rings, saving him from his pensive faces and Matteo walks into the classroom without looking at any of them.

He thinks about Luna the whole day, but that's nothing new. The information she gave him last night is still spinning around his head, all images, all memories she showed him appear in his mind like flashes but there's one that's been permanently in his mind the last few hours, the picture of a person, or a god he guesses, with empty eyes looking barely alive, like his mind can’t hold into reality anymore no matter how hard he is fighting to keep his grip on it. The picture in his mind shows him someone who is slipping away into nothingness but the void refuses to swallow them fast enough, making them suffer until the very last second, until that last moment that might never come.

He can’t do that to Luna, he can’t hurt her this way and he knows this is her choice, that in the end she is the only one who can choose over herself but he can’t carry the burden of that responsibility, he can’t live knowing that the he could be the reason that someone so alive and so vibrant as Luna turns into a shell of herself.