To Whom It May Concern

How to Be Happy

some days i wake,
and i hate myself a little less.
it's bearable to open my eyes.
it's possible to breathe through my lungs.
it's possible to exist.
but those days are rare.
those days seldom happen,
and i am instead placed with the usual self hatred,
the fear of waking up,
the anger towards breathing,
the resentment of being alive,
i go through the motion of depression.
dealing with the anxiety of not taking care of my responsibilities
because mental illness holds me a hostage in my corner of melancholy.
what is it like to love yourself?
what is it like to wake up and not know what it feels like to despise being alive?
i want to know what life is like when you don't have to unlearn self hatred,
when you don't even have to learn to love yourself,
because you already know.
i want that life.
i want to enjoy being alive.
i want to enjoy being myself.
i want to go to sleep every night, excited for the next day,
instead of dreading it.
i want to wake up knowing i'll be happy,
and knowing that even if i'm not,
i will be.
i want a future where i'm alive,
and well,
and happy,
but how?
i'm a lonely broken heart drifted through the wind,
too weak to fight against the breeze,
hating the cold frozen ground i've landed on.
i have no one to help,
and i have no one to love and love me in return.
is that where happy starts?
does happy start with the person who loves you for you,
the parts you hate included?
where does one find the soul like that?
because i can tell you from experience,
that souls like that aren't easy to find.
i've scoured and scoured the earth for a love like that,
where i feel like a better person from their heart,
where their warmth and happy and love and spread to me,
and a future where i'm ok is nearer.
i have looked for a soul like that,
and i have only come back tired, and sore and broken,
and i have come back worse than before,
even though it's almost laughably by its impossibility.
but i have hurt looking so much,
that i have lost the will to look.
when will they come for me?
when will they love me?
when will i love me?
when will i be happy?
when will i be alive?