self titled.

you are tired, you are hurt

song: the pantaloon

he's seen too many stare downs
between the sun and the moon
in the morning air
how he used to hustle all the people
walking through the fairgrounds
he's been around so long
he's changed his meaning of a chair now
because a chair now
is like a tiny island in the sea of all the people

trigger warnings// mental illness, death

.._..

The curly haired brunette with a crooked nose and tired eyes looked at the small house before him. The boards that were holding the house up seemed to be worn away, the wood was basically peeling off. The paint used to be white, he noticed. Except the paint was only shown in splotches, which wasn't attractive at all.

A screen door was at the entrance, the screen layered in dust and parts of it ripped off the hinges. The window had what looked like spiderwebs cracks in them, like somebody had thrown an object at them.

This house has to be more than a hundred years old.

Josh hesitated before slowly pushing the screen door open. Immediately, he felt the heat sweep over him and he actually squinted at it. It was summer, and the windows weren't open. No air conditioning on either. It was basically an oven in there.

He groaned and pulled his jacket off, only being covered by a black t-shirt. Josh really didn't want to be in there, but it was a mystery he had to solve. There was no way a young man could just disappear from sight in the blink of an eye. No possible way.

He hadn't really known this man, only really as an acquaintance since they were neighbors. Well... That's a lie. Him and the man were good friends. Maybe best friends.

Josh had moved in to a more... Civilized housing area a few months ago after he figured out his old neighborhood was basically a factory for weed growing and drug selling. That being said, the most affordable house in a decent neighborhood was directly beside an old creepy house. Jeez his housing options are never the greatest.

The man that lived in there was nice, he offered him snacks when he came by to visit. He seemed happy enough. But then again he looked so utterly alone. And, to be honest, living in this old house most likely didn't help.

Josh visited him everyday. He figured out that his name was Tyler. He was 28 years old. He played basketball in high school. He loved playing instruments and Josh actually saw his piano. One time Tyler shaved his head just to piss his mom off. That made Josh laugh.

Tyler was something special... He really was. It was just, Josh couldn't come to understand why exactly the soft eyed boy insisted on living in an old house that could fall apart at any minute. Tyler refused to answer and moved on to a different topic, which Josh didn't disagree to, no matter how curious he was.

So, in the present, it had been quite awhile that he saw him. He stopped by everyday but never found him. Now, he was going to figure out what was going on.

The first place he was going to search: the bedroom. Tyler told Josh that was his safe place, his break away from the rest of the world.

Josh stepped with heavy feet to the bedroom and opened the door with a low creak, poking his head in timidly and relaxing at not finding any corpses. He moved into the room and was surprised to find it neat, organised. The bed was made and everything cleaned from his dresser. His instruments were nowhere to be seen. Josh could feel the hair stand up on the back of his neck.

The thing that really caught his eye was the sharp corner of what looked like a box poking out from underneath his bed. Kneeling down, Josh pulled out a... Cassette player? And what seemed to be taped to the top was one tape. Just one.

His heart thumped in his ears loudly as he picked it up with shaky hands, a thin layer of dust on the top as he wiped it away. Sitting on the bed slowly, he held the device in his hands. It was small but clunky, it looked to be quite old. But what confused him was why a cassette player and tape?

Setting the objects down, he rummaged in his pocket and pulled out his rolled up ear buds. Picking up the player, he inserted them into the player and placed the tape into it. Breathing in deeply, he pressed the small button and attached the ear buds to his ears.

It was silent for a minute. Just quiet. Not any breathing. Nothing. Until a small, barely audible sob was heard. Goosebumps riddled his pale arms at the sound. The sobs got louder, sounding choked. After a small session of the agonized sounds, it dimmed away to sniffles and shaky breaths.

"So......" The sudden sound of Tyler's voice made Josh jump, his breathing becoming quick. "You.... Probably found the tape, right..? I mean, if anybody even looked for me. If anybody even really cared.." A small giggle came from the tape.

Oh god.

"Oh... Well... Josh? Yeah, Josh. I know you cared. I know that you would at least, look for me." A small inhale breathed into his ears. "I'm sorry Josh... This is probably scaring you. I'm really sorry if it does. You were my only friend. My only.. Friend."

Silence and then a shaky exhale. "I was just... I couldn't deal with it anymore. It wasn't even the alone part because you were here. It was the part that I was trapped in this endless cycle of doing what everybody tells me to do. Or, told. I lived in that house because I couldn't leave. I was supposed to. I was.. Supposed to... I.. I.."

A small choked sob came from the tape again and Josh felt like he was going to throw up.

"I was going insane Josh.. My mind seemed incapable of thinking correctly. It was so hard to even... Think right. It was just, like twisted." There was a minute of silence. "I didn't want to hurt you.. I would never want to hurt you.. You were so important to me. I.. Was going to hurt you."

Josh felt his throat start to ache from tears.

"So... Now, I'm gone and you'll never find me. I left and I'm never coming back. They made me go insane and now, now I'm free. Now I don't have to follow their rules. Now you're safe. You.

I loved you. And I wish you a wonderful life. Don't follow the rules of society. Follow what path you make for yourself. Follow you. Don't make the same mistakes I did. Goodbye, Josh."

Their was a click. And that's when he realized, he'll never talk to Tyler Joseph again.

.._..

who glide across the very surface
that made his bones feeble
the end can't come soon enough
but is it too soon?
either way he can't deny
he is the pantaloon