self titled.

in your mind

song: before you start your day

look in the mirror and ask your soul if you're alright
put on the glitter that your soul hides behind
you're in my mind
im singing
you're in my mind

trigger warnings// loneliness, past depictions of self harm, death

""××""

Its been a number of days since your death. Its been a number of days since my world crashed into oblivion and I was left to float freely.

You left me with the simplest of intentions: move on. Move on and try not to look back. Try not to pay attention to the fact of the matter. That you're gone and there's no coming back. And even though you did so happen to make me float freely, you didn't want to hurt me.

It just confused me. Hopelessly and weightlessly. I didnt understand why that happened or what led you to do it. I could see the black and white of faded colors that wouldn't depict themselves. And it was all because of you.

You and your foolish, selfish pride. The stupid selfish pride that led to your choked induced death. It was so painful, even for me. And I wasn't even the one to feel it. But, the aftermath was left for me to suffer through.

And let me say, I have agonized. For so, so long. My thoughts would turn negative and grotesque. They would tell me its my fault you're not here anymore. That you're not walking or breathing. That you're not laughing with me anymore like you used to.

I would hurt myself because I thought I deserved it. Pink scars now take the place of wounds that used to be swollen and runny. They hurt a lot and sometimes I think I can feel them when they were fresh on my skin. But, I don't blame self harm on you. That was my choice and mine alone. Like I had slowly come to terms with the fact that your death was all on you. And maybe that's what you wanted me to figure out.

It's taken years. Years upon years for me to come into a well deserved peace. A peace that I needed for so long. I will feel your gentle presence at times, just as a reminder that you're still here.

That even though I can feel your physical body, I can still know. And that's one of the most wonderful gifts of all.

""××""

nowhere were they holy
open up your eyes and see
the clouds above will hold you
the clouds above will sing