self titled.

my name is lame

song: fall away

every time I feel selfish ambition
is taking my vision
and my crime is my sentence
repentance is taking commission
it's taking a toll
on my soul
im screaming submission and,
i don't know if I am dying or living

trigger warnings// depression, insomnia, suicidal actions, anxiety

;:;

"So here we are.

Varieties of people all over the world with the same exact issues as me. With the same exact problems. With the same exact mental incapabilities.

But hey, thats when I'm wrong. No, we don't all have the same exact issues. We don't all have the same exact inabilities to do as we are told.

See, for me, I've always been wrapped up in this cocoon of sleepy eyes and runny noses and heavy weight. The heavy weight that pressed on the inner tombs of my skull and the sockets of my eyes.

The cocoon was tight and constricting and my chest would heave with shallow breaths and contorted throats. My eyes would be heavy but my mind would be light. And no, not light as in the heaven type of light.

Light as in I can't feel absolutely anything. Light as in its so weightless that I wonder if it's even there. Light as in, this can't be healthy. That it's a matter of time before it travels all the way up to the ceiling.

But then again, as much as there was light there was also the heaving heaviness. The heaviness that could only be presumed as a dark cloud of rain and lightning and swirling nothingness. Sometimes it would be way too dark. So dark my eyes couldn't detect anything, even if there was light in the room.

It made me tired. So tired that keeping my head upright was one of the most difficult tasks. But, as I lay down to sleep at night. My body screamed with exhaustion but my eyes lay wide awake. They state hopelessly at the ceiling until I could see the traces of light of dawn.

Then the process is repeated.

And besides that, why should it matter that I'm alive? There are millions of other people that have the same name I do. Another one will just take my place as soon as my lungs stop functioning.

Im a basic human in a basic world.

As a result of these tendencies, I have found my only way of escape is a bottle of pills. Maybe even a tied noose. Just as long as I get the sweet embrace of death. Of something so utterly silent and chilling.

Hell honestly seems more ideal than life. Or whatever this stupid process is. Believe me, I've tried but my issues can't be addressed, for they're too deep.

They're too confusing and scary for anybody to fix.

So, maybe this will help. And maybe I'll find the light that has grown to be appreciated.

And not the light that causes me to feel absolutely nothing."

;:;

as the days spent away
as I stand in line
and I die as I wait as I wait on my crime
and I'll try to delay what you make of my life
but I don't want your way
i want mine
i'm dying and trying
but believe me I'm fine
but I'm lying
im so very far from fine