self titled.

for me to drive away with

song: a car, a torch, a death

then I saw him, torch in hand
he laid it out, what he had planned
and then I said, "I'll take the grave
please just send them all my way."

trigger warnings// depression, suicide, religious views

!¡:!¡

My eyelids felt heavy and my eyes themselves thick, like lead was dripped into them. My head felt fluffy and airy, like I was sky high.

It's like my soul itself was floating around and hovering over certain objects and my body was just left on the hard floors. What can I say, my body was just there to carry what was really important.

There were numerous pill bottles splayed around the floors. Blood and razor blades scattered across wood. Me being the lazy and disorganised person I am, I didn't set up the pill bottles neatly for when the cops came.

My skin was grayish looking and my eyes were closed, never to be opened again. My lips were pale and blood was soaked around my wrists and arms. It looked like a murder scene.

I'm dead, why should it matter whether or not I looked nice?

--

At the moment of my death, I wondered if God would take me up to heaven or just throw me to Hell. Maybe even leave me on earth to suffer years upon years. Decades upon decades. Maybe centuries.

I did kill myself. And my mom always told me that killing yourself meant you would go to Hell.

At that moment, a sheer crackling explosion rammed against my head and even though I was dead, for some odd reason I felt it.

Blackness took over the light of the apartment and I couldn't see anything. Which didn't necessarily scare me for some reason.

Slowly, a clicking and then whirring sound petruded through my train of thought. My eyes were still blank but my hearing was perfectly acute. It was honestly kind of disturbing but I tried to pay no attention to that.

The whirring got louder and with a snap in my ears I could see again. I still felt weightless, my feet not touching the ground the way they should.

A lamp post stood, tall and disheveled. It looked to be quite old and had a artifact related vibe to it. But, yes, there was that. But what was really interesting was the lines on car directly beside the post. Its paint was fresh, but the style old. Those were the only things I could see.

The whirring sound still continued ruthlessly, and I had a hunch that it was coming from the car itself. My curiosity was getting the best of me, but I was kind of reluctant to go to the car.

Curiosity won the tug of war battle as I traveled (more like floated) to the car. As I edged closer, I felt my limbs stiffen and start to touch the ground. Pausing, I blinked in astonishment. What was this car doing?

Summoning up my courage, I edged closer to the car, my feet firm on the ground. Looking down, I saw that my clothes were starting to slowly become more visible. My bare feet felt cold from touching the road. And as I stood less than a foot from the car, I felt this exploding agony in my wrists and arms.

The pain was so vivid I felt my head grow fuzzy. I grabbed at my wrists, but didn't feel any blood. Any warm substance. It was just smooth, clean skin. Unblemished by past events. My confusion escalated, but my pain was still so indescribably agonizing.

Trying to ignore it, I tried to look into the car window from my position. I was honestly too afraid to step closer, I didn't want the pain to get worse than what it already was. I couldn't really see what was in the window, they were too tinted.

Breathing in deeply, I walked closer. The pain didn't get any worse than what it already was, thank God. Squinting, I looked in. Nothing.

After a few moments of odd confusion and wondering, I started to feel this dull thump coming from the car. Like the thump of a heart. It was a rythmatic pattern.

Stepping back, I slowly felt the pain decrease. But as that decreased, the thumping increased. It was so loud I could literally feel the vibrations rock my body.

And then, a sudden cold realization hit me. It made my eyes literally black out for a minute and my head pulse.

This was where I was supposed to spend eternity. This is where God put me. Everlasting darkness and isolation.

And the only music I would hear is the dull thumping of a woman's heart.

!¡:!¡

and then I felt chills in my bones
the breath I saw was not my own
i knew my skin that wrapped my frame
wasn't made to play this game

a/n: haven't been feeling well. i hope you guys are though :)