Stay (ManxBoy)

Chapter Nine - It Never Ends

Anagapesis:

(n.) No longer feeling any affection for someone you once loved.

Chapter Nine – It Never Ends

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I don't know why I didn't push him away or punched him like I would have done with anyone else. I would never cheat, I am not one to be unfaithful. And yet I kissed Evan.

The worst part of it all is that I told him, I told him that I have a girlfriend. And he just smiled at me and shrugged his shoulders. Because apparently that isn't even weird, or mean. No, it is normal for people like me to hide behind a woman he told me. And I still don't understand what he means with a person like me. I cannot be gay, I cannot have feelings for him and most of all I cannot betray Charlotte like this.

But then there's the other part of me, who want this so badly. That little bit of freedom I felt when Evan's lips connected with mine, that's something I want to feel over and over again. It's as if that little unhappy part of me -that has been struggling even since I started to realize that Charlotte is a good friend- has been cleared up now I know why she's no more than a friend. And that thought feels good, but it also scares me because I can't act on it. There is no way that I'll be able to tell Charlotte that all those year have been a lie. And even if I would do that and Charlotte would accept it, accept me, even then her and my parents would never accept it. It's a sin and people who think and feel like that should be murdered. God would have never meant homosexuality when he said people had to be treated as equals. There could be no such thing.

And now here I am, sitting in our garden with my last cigarette. How could I be so stupid to give into it, to let him do this to me? But I already know the answer myself. Because I like the feelings he gives me and I like the freedom that comes with doing some-thing you're not allowed to do.

How will I lie to Charlotte and keep him hidden? I can't just run off whenever I want to. I need him to make me feel in control, but I need her to survive. And without surviving, there will be no need to want control. In less than two months this boy got me to question my entire life.

I had hoped that the smoke that fills my lungs would calm me down, that it would make me think more clearly. But everything that it's doing right now is making me panic. I am smoking my emergency cigarettes, the ones I used to smoke when someone had died or when I was so deep down I wanted to kill myself. And now I'm using them for something I don't want to use them for. I don't want this to be an emergency, I just want to enjoy him and me. But I simply can't and it's making me want to scream and cry and just break. I hear the familiar rumble of Petra's car and in a hurry I put out my cigarette against the wall of our house, throwing the rest of it in the garden of our neighbours. I run inside and throw my clothes into the hamper, before pulling on the pair that's folded and ready to go upstairs. As I pull the shirt over my head I can hear the front door being opened and I let out a sigh of relief when only Charlotte walks in.

'Alexander?' She calls out and I smile nervously as I meet her in the living room.

'Hi Charlotte, how was the spa?' I ask her as a distraction from my own nerves.

'It was so relaxing Alexander, we should go together some-time!' She gives me a kiss and walks into the laundry room and I put my fingers to my lips. The paranoia is consuming, it's not as if she can taste him on me.

'Oh gosh I forgot to tell you that I'm going on another business trip. I think Jared's going to promote me to assistant manager.' The smile on her face really looks as if she's incredibly proud and I so don't want to be the one to ruin that for her. I am relieved that I still feel this protectiveness for her, to keep her safe from that idiot. I decide to not let it out though.

'When are you going, for how long and where to?' I ask her and she smiles at my tactics.

'Oh and who's taking you!' She now actually lets out a snort at my question and shakes her head in amusement.

'To London, in two days, for eight days and with Jared just as last time.' Even though I can see she thinks it's weird for me to be so over-protective, she answers me anyway. I nod along with her and decide that it's simply not worth fighting over.

'OK.' I say and she is clearly surprised that I agree so fast.

'OK?' She asks me with her head titled sideways and I give her an approving smile.

'As long as I get an update as least once every two days I'm fi-ne with it.' She squeals and hugs me tightly while jumping around. 'Why are you so excited, you would have gone even if I would be angry?' She smiles up at me and stops jumping.

'But then you would have felt bad those days and I would have too. I'm just happy with your approval.' It is almost sad how she thinks am in charge of everything, as if we're back to the "women have no rights" time.

'I love you.' She says to me with a smile and I just give her a kiss on her forehead. Silently adding in my mind, I don't know if I love you anymore.

Not even an hour later I'm seated on the couch, with a book in my hands. The dinging noise from my phone wakes me out of the story and I roll my eyes as I start thinking about who it could be. Maybe it's Grace asking if I can work today, on a Saturday. How-ever, when I pick up my phone I am pleasantly surprised as I see Evan's name and I smile as I read over his text.

To: [Me]

From: [Evan Knight]

2:00 p.m.

I enjoyed yesterday! Can we meet up again sometime? .^_^.

I look around the room for a second to check if Charlotte's still standing near the kitchen counter with her new make-up. Luckily she is and she is absolutely oblivious to me and my phone.

To: [Evan Knight]

From: [Me]

2:03 p.m.

I would love to, Monday evening @7?

His response is almost immediate.

To: [Me]

From: [Evan Knight]

2:04 p.m.

Monday @7, noted. :)

My heart beats faster and I almost regret saying yes. I shouldn't be doing this, I shouldn't betray Charlotte like I am doing. But I want that freedom, I want him. So I don't let myself think about it for too long, deciding to just go back to reading my book.

'I'll be back in no time.' Is everything Charlotte says as she leaves the house two days later. To my amusement she had pre-pared everything for me, so I wouldn't be death by the end of the week from starvation. From the moment we've been together we have never separated for more than four days, maybe five, but absolutely no longer. She bought all kinds of groceries for me, washed all of our clothes so I'd only have to do my own laundry and clean the whole house for if I were to have guests.

And so I find myself sitting in our garden, without a cigarette this time. And the only thing I do is stare at the people that are walking by. The stares they give me makes me feel uneasy, as if all of them have read that small article in the newspaper. But even with that going on I smile at the knowledge that I can finally be free, even though it's just for a little while.

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A/N: You are beautiful and you make my day! Just so you know.

~Noortje