Stay (ManxBoy)

Chapter Fourteen - Marry Me

아쉬움 (oah-eoom):

(n.) The mingled feeling of disappointment, frustration, and regret that results from an unsatisfactory situation.

Chapter Fourteen – Marry Me

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I don't think I've ever been more anxious and it's the worst feeling ever. It's like one part of me is completely relaxed, Charlotte won't think anything of it. She's only heard of homosexuality when people tell her it's not OK. But the other half of me is freaking out. I never take people home and she must be suspicious in some way.

Charlotte sits next to me, completely oblivious to my internal struggle. She's too caught up by the book in her hands to even notice the fact that I'm just sitting here, doing nothing more than just staring at the wall in front of me.

If she does start asking, how will I respond? I wonder to my-self. I could of course just say he's a friend from work, because that's the answer she'll expect. But if she starts questioning since when I am friends with him or when I hired him I will run thin. I am not good with lying.

'Would you like a cup of coffee?' Charlotte asks me with a cheery voice and I almost groan from annoyance.

'Please.' Is the only thing I say, but still she doesn't seem to notice anything different.

As expected she just gets up and walks into the kitchen, not taking a second to look back at me. And that makes me kind of happy. Because as long as she's not acting weird, she won't expect anything weird from me. I am simply overthinking everything and that's making matters even worse.

I stand up from the couch and follow Charlotte into the kitchen, trying to keep my mind focused on anything but Evan or what just happened. She moves through the kitchen like a maniac, pulling open cupboard for coffee and cups. She doesn't even notice me until I wrap my arms around her waist. She turns around with a shocked expression on her face and her mouth is open as if she's ready to scream.

'Why would you do that?' She asks me with a breathless laugh and everything just becomes too much for me. She's laughing and the look in her eyes tells me so much. She loves me and whatever I might do, she'll keep loving me no matter what.

I can feel the tears form in my eyes and in a second she's standing straight with her soft hands on my face. And then I can feel them rolling down my cheeks, all the emotions falling from my eyes.

'Marry me?' I stutter out and now I can't keep them in anymore.

In less than a second we're both crying messes. Charlotte because she is more excited and emotional than she's ever been and I because I just made the biggest mistake in my life.

'Oh my God, yes!' She screams as she wraps her arms around my neck and I can't help but completely break down.

I slowly fall onto my knees with Charlotte still in my arms. With this I betray Evan in every way possible. I will not be able to keep him with me, to hold him and love him. As the realization hits me a choked sob escapes my lips and Charlotte only hugs me tighter, thinking that it's because of her. Because of my nervousness for the proposal. She doesn't even questions the fact that I don't have a ring, or that Evan was here before.

'I love you so much.' She sobs into my shoulder and I softly dig my fingers into her back. I am going to marry Charlotte, no matter if I want to or not.

'I'm sorry I don't have a ring.' I say and I can just feel her smile against my shoulder. She softly pulls herself away from me and cradles my face in her hands while shaking her head.

'I couldn't care less about that stupid ring.' She says before pushing her lips onto mine.

I kiss her back because that's what's expected from me, but all I want to do is push her away and run to Evan. To be able to lay into his arms tonight instead of in hers. There's no way that I'll be able to keep this act up forever, especially if I will keep seeing Evan. In a matter of three months my whole life gets thrown around, simply because of that boy. Because of Evan, who somehow wormed his way into my heart without me even noticing it. He was my form of freedom, an escape from the horrible thing that is life. And slowly he became more to me, so much that I am now constantly thinking about him and all I do is getting inspired by what he does. 

I don't want to marry Charlotte, but I do realize that this is the only way to keep Evan and me safe. The only way to make sure that no one will look for anything behind our sudden friendship because as soon as I will marry Charlotte everyone will let us live in peace. They don't see me capable to be married but go behind that persons back and if that does happen, never with someone of the same gender.

If Evan still wants to see me after my marriage, then at least we'll be safer. Then I'll at least have the knowledge that he'll be safer. And that might be the most illogical thought ever, but it brings me somewhat comfort in the mess I just created.

Luckily we break apart sooner than I would have thought and I take a deep breath to compose myself. With everything I have I muster a small smile, but every idiot could see the foolishness whit which I am doing this. Charlotte though, she is so caught up in her happiness that she doesn't see anything other than my "loving smile".

Everything will be OK, I tell myself. I will get through this, no matter what.

Charlotte had been calling and texting friends and family all night long while I had sat a and listened to her rambling about wedding plans. And I hadn't even informed my parent yet, because as long as I don't tell anything this whole thing won't be real. As long as mom doesn't know anything there isn't a wedding and as long as dad doesn't start thinking about future children, there's nothing to worry about. But then again, who do I think I'm fooling? This is a thing now and I'll have to deal with the consequences.

Charlotte is fast asleep beside me, with her back turned towards me and her phone still in her hand. I would have pulled the blanket on top of her and laid her phone on the desk, but I may wake her up. And the thought of having to talk to her scares me while it shouldn't. I am not afraid off Charlotte, hell it isn't even her fault that I proposed. And still I am angry with her. I feel guilty for it, I shouldn't have to be angry, but I simply am even though there's no real reason for it.

And now I will have to deal with it the rest of my life. And in my own miserable existence I'll probably take Evan down with me. I will have to tell him no matter what. I wouldn't want him to figure it out on his own because of a stupid article in our church newspaper. The community knows, our parents will know and there is no way to keep it a secret for him.

I want to hit myself as the thoughts circle around in my head. I shouldn't even think about keeping it a secret for him, I have to tell him and if he goes on with me or not will have to be his choice.

How hard it may be, this is the best thing for the both of us. It is simply too risky to stay with me. A person who's pretty well known has to keep his name high and coming out as gay will be the most stupid thing I can do.

We cannot be a thing, at least never official.

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A/N: Are you crying as hard as I am? 

Please let me know what you thought of it by leaving a comment and a vote!

~Noortje