Stay (ManxBoy)

Chapter Fifteen - Irreversible

La douleur exquise:

(n.) The heart-wrenching pain of wanting the affection of someone unattainable.

Chapter Fifteen – Irreversible

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'I'm going to church today. Are you coming with me?' Charlotte asks me with a smile.

Since the moment we woke up that smile has been here and it makes me incredibly anxious. Because it keeps reminding me of what I did last night, of the mistake I made.

'Nah, I'm going out for a bit.' My voice is steady as ever as I try to keep my emotions inside. Charlotte can't know that I'm not really into this marriage. She has to think that I love her as much "as I always did", maybe even a bit more. Because as long as she believes in this, I can pretend to be happy and play a couple with her. And as long as I can keep that act up, I will be able to keep seeing Evan. At least if he still wants to see me after I tell him that I proposed to Charlotte.

'OK that's fine.' Charlotte says and I am surprised by her answer. Usually when Charlotte asks if I will come along to church with her it's not as much as a choice as she makes it look like. I am lucky she respects the fact I don't want to come along every week, but when she asks me she wants me to be here. But sitting through two hours of talking about God while you don't really believe in him is real tough.

I pick up my bowl and put it in the dishwasher before making my way upstairs. I pick up my phone from the charger and sit on the edge of the bed.

To: [Evan Knight]

From: [Me]

9:45 a.m.

You free? X

I almost feel traitorous as I put the X at the end of my text, as if it doesn't really belong there. Evan shouldn't have to deal with this, but I so desperately want him to, even if it's just for me. And I know that's selfish, but I have grown attached to him and the thought of having to be without him - especially after being married- makes me want to cry.

To: [Me]

From: [Evan Knight]

9:47 a.m.

Sure, u coming right now? X

I look around the room for a second thinking about if I have anything to do. Charlotte will be gone for two hours and then she'll probably stay to chat with some of her friends.

'Alex, I'm going now. I'll see you in a couple of hours.' Charlotte screams from downstairs and I roll my eyes in annoyance. I hate it when people don't just come to you, but scream instead.

'That's OK, see you soon.' I scream back, I don't think I makes sense anymore.

'Love you.' She screams and I just pretend to not hear it anymore. As I hear the door shut I look down at my phone again, remembering that I have to text Evan back.  

To: [Evan Knight]

From: [Me]

9:54 a.m.

On my way X

I simply pull on a pair of pants and an old sweater of mine, not bothering with doing my hair or any of that. The only thing I do is brush my teeth, because I simply can't live with this sour taste in my mouth. I don't even care about the neighbourhood, or the fact that people will recognize me. I just take the car from our garage and drive away.

I don't know how I should tell him. I can't exactly barge in his house and tell him I'm going to marry Charlotte. I don't think there's a good way to bring him the news. I don't even want to bring him the news. How the hell am I supposed to reassure him when I can't even get myself together.